Every now and again the world will throw up a story that can only act as a warning in the future to others. This is just such a tale.
Mark (not quite his real name), aged 25, seemed to have it all. An idiliic upbringing in a warm, laid back country in Western Europe, allowed a young Mark to hone his football skills, grow his magnificent locks and begin to eat the national dish, paella, for which he would be celebrated in song as an adult. The hard work paid off as the young adult Mark found employment in sport and, eventually, a young lady to admire his hair. Mark's career was still mostly under the radar, but luckily for him, there was a man in Sussex with the best computer algorithm ever. And it came to pass that this algorithm needed to find a left back, and it settled on Mark, once a couple of lines of rogue code that had been named "the Ben's Grandad theory" had been removed. Mark was on his way to Sussex.
Suddenly, he had it all. Football every week in the biggest league in the world. Games at left back. Games at wing back. Games at centre back. And sometimes all three at once. And he was loved and many fans copied his luxuriant hair and his wife made a baby. And, despite a couple of poor runs, Mark had helped his new club to their best ever season. Surely Europe was just around the corner?
Unfortunately, three characters emerged to change Mark's life. And not for the better. Peppy G, a well known bossman with significant connections to the Middle East fancied using Mark for his own purposes. But the Middle East men said no, not at that price, for they didn't have the algorithm, not even the old versions with the Ben's Grandad code in it. So it seemed Mark would stay put.
Enter The Todd. The Todd, a large brash American with almost unlimited money and the ability to use it only as a reverse Midas Touch, making everything he bought turn to shit, also fancied Mark. The Todd also didn't have the algorithm and, as was his wont, kept putting more and more money on the table until those in possession fell over laughing and said 'ok then'. And Mark suddenly had a lot more money and The Todd had a lot less.
But Mark couldn't settle in his new environment. There were more dressing rooms than Grimsby have goalkeepers, thanks to The Todd buying a squad that was more bloated than Bella Emberg. And Mark didn't really fit in. He kept being shouted at in German in training, while during games, there were befuddling instructions from terraces full of racists, tourists and a woman with a vag like a clown's pocket. They had nothing in common at all with each other except that they all expected to win 5-0 just by turning up. Every game. Oh dear.
The Todd saw this wasn't working and did the only thing possible. He hired Mark's old boss, a meek Geography teacher known only as Graham whose first idea was to play Raheem Sterling at right back.
And so Mark, Graham and The Todd eventually arrived back in Sussex and were so loudly booed that they forgot what they were doing for a while and replaced football with a performance art, heavy on the comedy. The three shell shocked compadres left Sussex with their tails between their legs. Graham was soon to return to Geography teaching. The Todd spent even more of his money on even worse players. The woman with the clown's pocket wailed like a banshee. And Mark? Mark wants to leave. A promising life torn asunder by a bad mistake. A year of nothingness, despised by the racists, the tourists, the banshee and even those who used to wear his wig. A failure we can only hope that is being observed and learned from on the Sussex coast. Pour encourager les autres.
metro.co.uk
Mark (not quite his real name), aged 25, seemed to have it all. An idiliic upbringing in a warm, laid back country in Western Europe, allowed a young Mark to hone his football skills, grow his magnificent locks and begin to eat the national dish, paella, for which he would be celebrated in song as an adult. The hard work paid off as the young adult Mark found employment in sport and, eventually, a young lady to admire his hair. Mark's career was still mostly under the radar, but luckily for him, there was a man in Sussex with the best computer algorithm ever. And it came to pass that this algorithm needed to find a left back, and it settled on Mark, once a couple of lines of rogue code that had been named "the Ben's Grandad theory" had been removed. Mark was on his way to Sussex.
Suddenly, he had it all. Football every week in the biggest league in the world. Games at left back. Games at wing back. Games at centre back. And sometimes all three at once. And he was loved and many fans copied his luxuriant hair and his wife made a baby. And, despite a couple of poor runs, Mark had helped his new club to their best ever season. Surely Europe was just around the corner?
Unfortunately, three characters emerged to change Mark's life. And not for the better. Peppy G, a well known bossman with significant connections to the Middle East fancied using Mark for his own purposes. But the Middle East men said no, not at that price, for they didn't have the algorithm, not even the old versions with the Ben's Grandad code in it. So it seemed Mark would stay put.
Enter The Todd. The Todd, a large brash American with almost unlimited money and the ability to use it only as a reverse Midas Touch, making everything he bought turn to shit, also fancied Mark. The Todd also didn't have the algorithm and, as was his wont, kept putting more and more money on the table until those in possession fell over laughing and said 'ok then'. And Mark suddenly had a lot more money and The Todd had a lot less.
But Mark couldn't settle in his new environment. There were more dressing rooms than Grimsby have goalkeepers, thanks to The Todd buying a squad that was more bloated than Bella Emberg. And Mark didn't really fit in. He kept being shouted at in German in training, while during games, there were befuddling instructions from terraces full of racists, tourists and a woman with a vag like a clown's pocket. They had nothing in common at all with each other except that they all expected to win 5-0 just by turning up. Every game. Oh dear.
The Todd saw this wasn't working and did the only thing possible. He hired Mark's old boss, a meek Geography teacher known only as Graham whose first idea was to play Raheem Sterling at right back.
And so Mark, Graham and The Todd eventually arrived back in Sussex and were so loudly booed that they forgot what they were doing for a while and replaced football with a performance art, heavy on the comedy. The three shell shocked compadres left Sussex with their tails between their legs. Graham was soon to return to Geography teaching. The Todd spent even more of his money on even worse players. The woman with the clown's pocket wailed like a banshee. And Mark? Mark wants to leave. A promising life torn asunder by a bad mistake. A year of nothingness, despised by the racists, the tourists, the banshee and even those who used to wear his wig. A failure we can only hope that is being observed and learned from on the Sussex coast. Pour encourager les autres.
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metro.co.uk
