25 Years of Viz ...

[ManOnTheRun]

Simon Donald and Alex Collier, two of the creators of Viz magazine, appear at the Pavilion theatre tomorrow. They are publicising a new book called ’25 Years of Viz’ and will be talking about the magazine, its characters and apparently they are going to explain ‘why farts are funny’.

So in celebration of 25 years of Viz here are a few classic ‘Top Tips’. Any of you got any personal faves from over the years …?

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
Patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa.

Les Barnsley, Barnsley



So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do
they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Tim



They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last
edition of High School An*l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing
a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be
an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts



IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the
heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way
to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of
my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
ca! rpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol



I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh



The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield



I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's
prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God,
has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be
given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens
can only dream of.

Mrs Close, Headingley



I drank three litres of white cider, a bottle of red wine and then a
couple of cans on Friday night. Despite this, I had the sh*ttest
Saturday of my life. Can any of your readers explain why, because I am
at a loss.

Patrick Bateman, e-mail



Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail





It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but
why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast



I have just spent three hours making custard using Delia's recipe and
it's a triumph, in that it tastes just like Bird's Instant.

A.W. Thompson, Email



I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not com! ing to Australia with
Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi



Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

 

[Northstander]

When buying Viz, its "Letterbox" and "Top-tips" I make sure tor ead first. Still find em bloody hillarious now!!

The small advertisements for strange contraptions too such as
"The Quimm Trim" handy scissors!!

 

[Brovion]

My all-time favorite Top Tip is still:

"Fellas! Play 'Rodeo Sex'! Take your missus doggie-style and then half way through say some other bird's name. See how long you can stay on for!"

 

[gripper stebson]

i may have nicked these off NSC in the first place. Apologies if i did!!!

Viz Top Tips

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing in the first place, you fat b******s.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink.

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

24. Spice up your s*x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

32. "Saxo boy". Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a f*****g dodgem car, so it may as well look like one

 

[Ex Shelton Seagull]

Save money on personalised number plates. Simply change your name by deed poll to match that of your current registration plate.

Mr PW14 ZTY, Lincoln

 

[Biscuit]

Sorry, but what the fcuk is Viz?

 

[Blackadder]

Dear Sir

Don't waste money on expensive personalised number plates.

Simply change your name by deed poll to that of your registration!

Yours faithfully

M603 DUF

 

[caz99]

Sorry, but what the fcuk is Viz?

 

[Blackadder]

Blimey Shelton. Great minds eh?

 

[Jam The Man]

Anyone see the brilliant feature story in Viz which was a play on the John Wayne Bobbit story...entitled "John Thomas Choppin's Chopped John Thomas" ..?

I'm still crying with laughter.

 

[Ex Shelton Seagull]

Blimey Shelton. Great minds eh?

Yeah! Couln't remember what the actual numberplate code was. I think i've just used someones postcode instead. Been reading the history of Viz book, "Rude Kids", and Chris Donald said that was his favourite top tip!

 

[Blackadder]

Yeah! Couln't remember what the actual numberplate code was. I think i've just used someones postcode instead. Been reading the history of Viz book, "Rude Kids", and Chris Donald said that was his favourite top tip!

It's the one that sticks out for me as well!

I couldn't remember the numberplate either, so I used one of my old ones!

 

[finbar]

I stopped buying it for about 5 years until about 6 months ago. What a joy it is. I love the articles, favourite one recently was about how "Murder Cameras" were being installed in parking spots to stop lorry drivers dumping hitchhikers rolled up in carpet there. And how the otherwise 'law abiding' murderer lorry drivers were up in arms about it, pointing to a case where a lorry driver had recently been charged with murdering someone but was not guilty as he had in fact been committing a rape at the time 260 miles away in a laybay in near leeds.

And the of book of Sexist World Records is utter genius.

Im off to buy the latest issue NOW!!

 

[ManOnTheRun]

Sorry, but what the fcuk is Viz?

Thats just made me feel really old ...

I'm assuming that;

A) You are a mere whippersnapper

or

B) You've been trapped in a parallel dimension for the last 25 years, a place where humour, irony and Billy The Fish don't exist ...

Get hold of a copy today ...

 

[Man of Harveys]

I'm addicted to it...the recent Monkey Book Club advert ("All these top titles available for an oo oo aa aa low price") was possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. I was retching on the train, much to the annoyance of my fellow commuters.

Viz is also about the only publication that takes a satirical swipe at the brainless crap that's in the tabloids.

 

[Soul Finger]

Isn't swearing just the best? You f***ing *****.

 

[ManOnTheRun]

Some classics from Roger Mellie’s Profanisaurus …

dancers lance n . an unwelcome erection that appears when dancing closely with a member of the opposite sex.

spinning plates euph . An old fashioned novelty act in which the performer attempts to keep both of the lady volunteers nipples erect at the same time.

 

[Sonic The Hedgehog]

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

I normally achieve this by wearing an Albion shirt and drinking copious amounts of cider at an unfeasibly early hour of the morning.

 

[alan partridge]

Although it "isn't as good as it used to be" TM it is always worth the money for a few of the top tips/letters


paraphrasing a few recent ones

Dear Sir

I have recently started masturbating whilst fantasising about little Jimmy Krankee. My dilemma is, am I straight, gay or a paedophile?

and

Dear Sir

Recently I had a packet of Fox's classic Crunch biscuits. I noticed that Fox claim to make 'a biscuit for every occasion', which got me thinking. A male friend of mine was recently gang raped by a couple of chinese chefs at a restaurant he works out. I wonder what kind of biscuit Fox would make for this occassion?

 

[Theatre of Trees]

My favourite toptip

"Save buying new address books each year by getting a copy of last years phone box and crossing out all the people you don't know."