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I must admit, I found myself Googling “wales bucket hats why” earlier. Something to do with the Manchester music scene, apparently. No, me either.

If you read through the Twitter thread, you will see that ‘dad’ was once on a US reality TV show called Intervention, about coming off crystal meth. Looks like the intervention came too late. Don’t do drugs, kids.

It’s a shame really, as I remember thinking that at its inaugural rollout at the 2018 World Cup it worked really well (despite my reservations), only for us to make a hash of it when we imported it to the Premier League. In my opinion, if it can’t consistently get decisions like that right then...

This will end just as it did for Argentina and Germany. 1-0 up, Belgium f*** it up. I can feel it in my piss.

Ok, maybe not Costa Rica then…

It’s looking increasingly like an England v Costa Rica final, innit…

Yesterday’s performance and result against Iran is looking better by the minute.

Wow.

A positively perfect set of results for us today, in and out of our group. England in absolute pole position to win Group B with the Dutchies equally so in Group A, meaning we’d avoid them and face the considerably weaker Senegal or Ecuador in the 2nd round. Say what you like about Gareth...

Would like a draw in this one. Would mean we’d only need one more win to qualify and increase the chances of us topping the group, which following the Netherlands’ win this evening would likely mean Senegal or Ecuador in the last 16.

Well, little value in getting excited after one group game, but you can’t really argue with that as our opening gambit. That had the potential to be a horrible, turgid game, and yet we made it pretty entertaining. Easy to draw comparisons with our demolition of Panama at the last World Cup but...

Or ease off, kill the game and stay booking and injury-free?

Cracking first-half in general that. It’s worth noting that Iran are 20th in the world by the way; we’re making an alright team look very, very shít. For context, the Iceland team that embarrassed us in 2016 were ranked 34th.

Good goal. Game needed that.

The fact that they are self-policed makes the protocols about as effective as a FIFA corruption investigation. There needs to be an independent doctor on point. Still, you have to feel for the goalkeeper - if you watch closely you can see him explaining to his medical staff that this was the...

That countdown to the kick-off was just awful.

Shades of 1998, when I twagged school to watch England beat Tunisia 2-0 in Marseille. Will I be twagging work for a couple of hours today? I am yet to decide. I don’t think today will be as straightforward for England as it looks on paper, nor the group more broadly. When the draw was made I...

Winners - Argentina England - Semi-finals Dark horses - Mexico Shock exit - Netherlands Golden Boot - Benzema

Thanks again to everyone for their words of advice, particularly those who have shared deeply personal stories. Edna, for the record, no apologies necessary - I read every word. I spoke to my mate today. I don’t think I did a great job; brain flooded with cliches, but I tried. He’s in...

Is this like that time when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry?