[Misc] Midlife crisis

B-right-on · Feb 9, 2025

Happy Exile said:
Age has never bothered me at all, I actually enjoy getting older though for various reasons I don't particularly mark my birthday beyond what I have to do so Mini-Exile doesn't think it's weird when she celebrates hers. I reach 50 in a few weeks though and I'm really, really noticing that the midlife crisis - or as a mate calls it "midlife re-evaluation" is a very real thing for some of us despite me being cynical about it before and not believing it'd happen to me.

I've not gone to get a motorbike or run off with a younger woman or got any regrettable tattoos (yet) but there's definitely an awareness, not morbid though, that I've never had before that time is running down and I've lived most of my life now - a poet, Charles Wright, talks about "one day more is one day less" and I feel that. Not in a depressed way at all, just recognising it and a very strong feeling that I need to do something more with the time left than I have done with the past, say, 10 years (like maybe I should get a motorbike, run off with a younger woman and get some regrettable tattoos).

Also noticing things like I bought a lightbulb yesterday that will almost certainly last longer than I will. I still use the snooker cue I got for my 21st birthday and it's still fine, but I'm treating myself to a nicer one for my 50th and I know on that basis that'll probably outlast me too. Again, it's not morbid, I find that idea of continuity of things reassuring and comforting. I totally understand now why some people I've worked with in the past have reached 50 and older and suddenly started talking about needing to find purpose, or looking for charitable "legacy" work, or thrown everything up in the air and almost started again much more content having rebooted and reshaped their lives.

In the next 3 years Mini Exile will leave home, I'll move house very likely to the one I'll stay in until I can retire at 67 and probably beyond then too, maybe forever, shortly after that it'll be my silver wedding anniversary...there are so many life moments I remember my parents having and them seeming abstract to me that are now becoming my moments.

So wise people of NSC, now I've learned my cynicism of midlife crisis/re-evaluation was misguided, what if anything did you find in your 50s that was common among your peers so I can be ready for it? (And I'll be disappointed if at least some of the answers aren't taking the mickey.)

I'm 61 and we've just been re-evaluating our lives since Xmas. Been self employed pretty much all my life and not paid in any pensions and 'suddenly' I am over 60.

I do manual work so I can't carry on for another 5-10 years. Not in a great financial position due to bad Investments but a lot better than others.

It's better late than never but we've been looking at where we want to be in the next 10-20 years and so we've pretty much decided to downsize which means we'll be able to go almost mortgage free if we downsize enough.

Very fortunately I've got decent health. My dad died at my age, his younger brother died at 50 and neither of his 2 older brothers saw out their 60s, so I've always been health conscious (rarely drink, don't smoke, no drugs)

Aside from that, I skydived for my 60th (bucket list), I have tattoos, had a pony tail for 20+ years and ride motorbikes.

So my thoughts to a 50 year old me (which seems 5 mins ago) would be to look after my health, plan better financially and then DO things I want to. Be less caught up in living life to not enjoy it as the years just fly by.

Bold Seagull · Feb 9, 2025

I’ve played squash most of my life as well as football when younger, bit of cycling. I felt a decline physically into my 40s but made up for that with a bit of guile and experience, however hitting 50, wow, body just seems to be a large set of various warning lights going off, luckily I don’t fixate on one area of the body hurting, because it’s all hurting!

I need to properly get some kind of strengthening / stretching regime going on because this is ridiculous! Pass me the magic pills please!!!

pasty · Feb 9, 2025

Wrong-Direction said:
Has anyone decided to not have kids and regretted it in later life?

Yes. Never wanted children, which with hindsight was most likely why my first marriage broke up, and now regret that no one will ever call me dad.

I do however have a wonderful step-daughter who is due to have a baby in April, so grandad will be the next best thing.

herecomesaregular · Feb 9, 2025

Lyndhurst 14 said:
“We are here on Earth to fart around and don’t let anybody tell you any different” – Kurt Vonnegut

Vonnegut really does have some beautiful lines of wisdom, some utter genius....but I just find his books unreadable, never finished one!

Weststander · Feb 9, 2025

Wrong-Direction said:
Has anyone decided to not have kids and regretted it in later life?

The excellent Shelagh Fogarty on LBC covered this in the past. Yes.

But obviously very tricky for many couple in incredibly expensive southern England in 2025. How to afford a decent home and start a family?

Lyndhurst 14 · Feb 9, 2025

herecomesaregular said:
Vonnegut really does have some beautiful lines of wisdom, some utter genius....but I just find his books unreadable, never finished one!

Agreed - I read Slaughterhouse Five, but it was quite disturbing and difficult to read

Herr Tubthumper · Feb 9, 2025

Wrong-Direction said:
Has anyone decided to not have kids and regretted it in later life?

I’m 56 and have never wanted kids, just doesn’t interest me.

Weststander · Feb 9, 2025

Herr Tubthumper said:
I’m 56 and have never wanted kids, just doesn’t interest me.

That’s incredibly common for males I was told, one reason being not wanting their status quo altered. The female drives it. The love for the nippers comes with their arrival into the world.

dwayne · Feb 9, 2025

Herr Tubthumper said:
I’m 56 and have never wanted kids, just doesn’t interest me.

Same. I have a big family so don't really feel like I'm missing out.

My hobbies are travelling and partying around the world ...at least 10 trips a year and I love my sleep so kids just don't work for me. I think a lot more of the younger generation are thinking the same thing now.

I've also saved a fair amount of money not having a family, and am nearly mortgage free. So plan to move to Dubai for 4/5 years in the next 2 years , me and the Mrs will both work, stash the cash then retire around 50. Will move to the cote d azur as the Mrs has an EU passport, and then spend the winters in Miami and Asia.

That's the plan anyway.

*Think this is the wrong thread and this should be in the retirement one.

dwayne · Feb 9, 2025

Weststander said:
That’s incredibly common for males I was told, one reason being not wanting their status quo altered. The female drives it. The love for the nippers comes with their arrival into the world.

Spot on!

WATFORD zero · Feb 9, 2025

Weststander said:
That’s incredibly common for males I was told, one reason being not wanting their status quo altered. The female drives it. The love for the nippers comes with their arrival into the world.

I think it's becoming more common not to have children. We have three couples that we've been friendly with for 30+ years. Two of us have had children but two decided not to (and both us and the other couple were mid/late 30s before we had kids).

Guess which couples are now loaded :wink:

Lady Whistledown · Feb 9, 2025

Being widowed at 44 has a funny way of making you appreciate what you have and learning not to get too bothered about the little things.

I get over (most!) bad Albion results much quicker than I ever used to, and I tend not to get too caught up in the negative emotions around football or anything else, simply because life has taught me there are a lot worse things that could happen. That's not to say I don't understand anybody else losing their mind over a game: just that my life experience has perhaps given me a bit of extra perspective.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer at 46, we were told it was incurable, and that he could have six months or six years left. At that point, I was all over the place. We humans like certainty, or at least what we perceive to be certainty, which is to say that even on an unconscious level, we tend to imagine the future with us and our loved ones in it. We don't ever stop to think that might not be the case. So when they basically said "yeah, you're screwed" to him, all I could think of was how I was going to cope with the uncertainty of it all. And then I realised, thanks to some words of wisdom from a friend, that tomorrow is promised to none of us. I could get hit by a bus myself the next day, so spending all my hours in turmoil, worrying about when the worst would happen to him was entirely counter-productive.

He lasted three and a half months from diagnosis, so they got that wrong too. It was shit. Really shit. But I see myself as having a choice. With a bit of luck, I have a good few decades left in me yet, and therefore I choose not to be sat around like Queen Victoria, dressed in black, shutting the world off and feeling sorry for myself. I consider myself as having the chance he never got: more time. Time to do the things I want to do when I want to do them (and I do appreciate I'm fortunate enough to be in a position to do that), rather than putting them off and thinking there will always be another year. Because sometimes there isn't, and I don't want to be sat there in my sixties or seventies, wishing I'd done more fun things, or seen more places. I feel like it would be disrespectful to him to waste that chance.

So do things for you sometimes. Do things because you enjoy them. Tell your people you love them while you still can. And buy that ticket for Stoke City away in the FA Cup when we get drawn against them tomorrow, because sometimes, the final whistle comes a lot sooner than you think, and (unless Simon Hooper is refereeing your life) you might not get that nine minutes of added time.

Herr Tubthumper · Feb 9, 2025

Weststander said:
That’s incredibly common for males I was told, one reason being not wanting their status quo altered. The female drives it. The love for the nippers comes with their arrival into the world.

I’d never really thought of it as not wanting my status quo altered but I guess this might be the case, at least partially. I have always travelled light in life, no car*, no kids and all I need for work is my MacBook and I like it like this. The wife is the same. Kids would completely change all of this.

* owned a car for just two years as I absolutely needed one for a particular job I had. But this drove me (pun obviously intended) to quitting the job and only working remotely.

sydney · Feb 9, 2025

Lady Whistledown said:
Being widowed at 44 has a funny way of making you appreciate what you have and learning not to get too bothered about the little things.

I get over (most!) bad Albion results much quicker than I ever used to, and I tend not to get too caught up in the negative emotions around football or anything else, simply because life has taught me there are a lot worse things that could happen. That's not to say I don't understand anybody else losing their mind over a game: just that my life experience has perhaps given me a bit of extra perspective.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer at 46, we were told it was incurable, and that he could have six months or six years left. At that point, I was all over the place. We humans like certainty, or at least what we perceive to be certainty, which is to say that even on an unconscious level, we tend to imagine the future with us and our loved ones in it. We don't ever stop to think that might not be the case. So when they basically said "yeah, you're screwed" to him, all I could think of was how I was going to cope with the uncertainty of it all. And then I realised, thanks to some words of wisdom from a friend, that tomorrow is promised to none of us. I could get hit by a bus myself the next day, so spending all my hours in turmoil, worrying about when the worst would happen to him was entirely counter-productive.

He lasted three and a half months from diagnosis, so they got that wrong too. It was shit. Really shit. But I see myself as having a choice. With a bit of luck, I have a good few decades left in me yet, and therefore I choose not to be sat around like Queen Victoria, dressed in black, shutting the world off and feeling sorry for myself. I consider myself as having the chance he never got: more time. Time to do the things I want to do when I want to do them (and I do appreciate I'm fortunate enough to be in a position to do that), rather than putting them off and thinking there will always be another year. Because sometimes there isn't, and I don't want to be sat there in my sixties or seventies, wishing I'd done more fun things, or seen more places. I feel like it would be disrespectful to him to waste that chance.

So do things for you sometimes. Do things because you enjoy them. Tell your people you love them while you still can. And buy that ticket for Stoke City away in the FA Cup when we get drawn against them tomorrow, because sometimes, the final whistle comes a lot sooner than you think, and (unless Simon Hooper is refereeing your life) you might not get that nine minutes of added time.

That deserves more than one emoji , I'm so sorry to hear about your husband , that is indeed really shit....

sorry for your loss and all the best for the coming decades...

been thru the c mill myself , I know what you mean about football..x

Weststander · Feb 9, 2025

WATFORD zero said:
I think it's becoming more common not to have children. We have three couples that we've been friendly with for 30+ years. Two of us have had children but two decided not to (and both us and the other couple were mid/late 30s before we had kids).

Guess which couples are now loaded

The same with the Pink Pound, the bastards are rich and always travelling

.

[Other than those with kids].

Weststander · Feb 9, 2025

Herr Tubthumper said:
I’d never really thought of it as not wanting my status quo altered but I guess this might be the case, at least partially. I have always travelled light in life, no car*, no kids and all I need for work is my MacBook and I like it like this. The wife is the same. Kids would completely change all of this.

* owned a car for just two years as I absolutely needed one for a particular job I had. But this drove me (pun obviously intended) to quitting the job and only working remotely.

I didn't want the change, I was happy to plod on with meals out, nights out with a mate/s, skiing etc. Then the little ones stole my heart.

Vicar! · Feb 9, 2025

MTSeagulls said:
I run off to Brazil at 54 and hit 60 back in November.
I never had any hobbies other than watching and going to football but since I got here I have a smallholding and started raising pigs and chickens. I'm not good at growing stuff the Mrs does that. I also now make smoked bacon, salamis and other charcuterie plus wines from different fruits. I took up fishing too which I enjoy.
I was never a car person but I suppose I went down the younger wife route in my mid forties (although I was already separated when I met my current wife) and I did a couple of tattoos.
I have no burning desires for any bucket list type of things, there were some countries I wanted to visit but that doesn't seem to bother me anymore.
I am aware of time running out as I am starting to get some arthritis in my hands and wrist., I already had some in my knee, but the warm climate reduces the effects a bit but it does feel as if my body is breaking down a bit, so this year I need to look after my health a bit better as I seem to be losing muscle, especially in my legs.
Family history suggests I have another 15 to 20 years which is not long at all really but I'm not panicking yet.

Congratulations. That is very place I would run too if I had to disappear. Somewhere near Pipa would be ideal. I really need to get back, but how do you top a week in Salvador in the middle of the World Cup.

Monkey Man · Feb 9, 2025

Just stumbled upon this thread and skimmed some posts. A lot of thoughtful NSC wisdom being dispensed and plenty of empathy.

I'm 56 this year and lucky enough to be healthy and doing a job I like and which gives me the things in life I want (which is just as well as I'll need to work for another 12 years minimum).

I do miss the feeling I had in my teens, 20s, 30s and some of my 40s that something huge and exciting could be just around the corner, whether that's to do with relationships, kids, travel, job, houses etc. I have settled into a pattern that my younger self may well have considered boring. But I'm very comfortable and would never complain about any aspect of my life. I think I'm incredibly lucky – and that's usually what it comes down to, however much we pride ourselves on good decisions and hard work.

MTSeagulls · Feb 9, 2025

Vicar! said:
Congratulations. That is very place I would run too if I had to disappear. Somewhere near Pipa would be ideal. I really need to get back, but how do you top a week in Salvador in the middle of the World Cup.

Cheers. We are actually in central Brazil in a very rural area.
Every few months we try to visit a coastal city, as we have an airport less than 1 hour from us, but Salvador would be bottom of the list as we just find it so dangerous.
I'm guessing there was a heavy police presence during the WC?

Bry Nylon · Feb 9, 2025

dwayne said:
My hobbies are travelling and partying around the world ...at least 10 trips a year and I love my sleep.

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