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[Humour] Joke Du Jour







Insel affe

HellBilly
Feb 23, 2009
24,696
Brighton factually.....

Larry, the carpenter, was using his table saw and to close whilst checking he was following his marker line on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When Larry tells him what happened Joe starts searching too.

Suddenly Joe pulls a bloody left ear from the sawdust, "Is this it Larry?", he asks.

Larry takes a look and then goes back to searching.

"Nah, mine had a pencil behind it."
 


Is it PotG?

Thrifty non-licker
Feb 20, 2017
26,123
Sussex by the Sea

Larry, the carpenter, was using his table saw and to close whilst checking he was following his marker line on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When Larry tells him what happened Joe starts searching too.

Suddenly Joe pulls a bloody left ear from the sawdust, "Is this it Larry?", he asks.

Larry takes a look and then goes back to searching.

"Nah, mine had a pencil behind it."
Surely the pencil would have been parted from the ear when it was severed, unless some form of adhesive was preventing such.
Was the pencil nearby?
 


Is it PotG?

Thrifty non-licker
Feb 20, 2017
26,123
Sussex by the Sea
A bloke goes to the local timber yard. He walks up to the desk and says to the guy serving:
"Six bits of four by two please!"
"Sure", said the assistant, "How long do you want them?"
"Ooooh, quite a while I should think. I'm building a shed!"
If the more accurate 'How long do you want them FOR?' was asked then there would have been less ambiguity.
 


hart's shirt

Well-known member
Jul 8, 2003
11,279
Kitbag in Dubai
A bloke goes to the local timber yard. He walks up to the desk and says to the guy serving:
"Six bits of four by two please!"
"Sure", said the assistant, "How long do you want them?"
"Ooooh, quite a while I should think. I'm building a shed!"
The gentleman in question is probably worrying unduly as the typical wooden shed lasts 15-20 years with regular maintenance.

Rather than solely concentrating on the wood lifespan, it goes without saying that he should invest in a preservative before applying weatherproof paint.
 




Greg Bobkin

Silver Seagull
May 22, 2012
16,640
A bloke goes to the local timber yard. He walks up to the desk and says to the guy serving:
"Six bits of four by two please!"
"Sure", said the assistant, "How long do you want them?"
"Ooooh, quite a while I should think. I'm building a shed!"
What would happen if he got the six bits of four after 2pm?
 


Bodian

Well-known member
May 3, 2012
15,212
Cumbria
A bloke goes to the local timber yard. He walks up to the desk and says to the guy serving:
"Six bits of four by two please!"
"Sure", said the assistant, "How long do you want them?"
"Ooooh, quite a while I should think. I'm building a shed!"
He's not going to get much of a shed from six bits of wood though.
 


nickbrighton

Well-known member
Feb 19, 2016
2,263

Larry, the carpenter, was using his table saw and to close whilst checking he was following his marker line on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When Larry tells him what happened Joe starts searching too.

Suddenly Joe pulls a bloody left ear from the sawdust, "Is this it Larry?", he asks.

Larry takes a look and then goes back to searching.

"Nah, mine had a pencil behind it."
Too not to.
First reading I read it as "to close "as in to shut, rather than "too close" as in not far enough away.
 




the wanderbus

Well-known member
Dec 7, 2004
2,994
pogle's wood

Larry, the carpenter, was using his table saw and to close whilst checking he was following his marker line on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When Larry tells him what happened Joe starts searching too.

Suddenly Joe pulls a bloody left ear from the sawdust, "Is this it Larry?", he asks.

Larry takes a look and then goes back to searching.

"Nah, mine had a pencil behind it."
Weird , that exact same thing happened to Paddy and Mick a few years back.
 


Titanic

Super Moderator
Helpful Moderator
Jul 5, 2003
40,076
West Sussex
A bloke goes to the local timber yard. He walks up to the desk and says to the guy serving:
"Six bits of four by two please!"
"Sure", said the assistant, "How long do you want them?"
"Ooooh, quite a while I should think. I'm building a shed!"

This must have been some time ago... timber is sold in metric measurements.
 






US Seagull

Well-known member
Jul 17, 2003
5,050
Cleveland, OH
A bloke goes to the local timber yard. He walks up to the desk and says to the guy serving:
"Six bits of four by two please!"
"Sure", said the assistant, "How long do you want them?"
"Ooooh, quite a while I should think. I'm building a shed!"
Timber generally comes in standard lengths. The lumber yard might offer to cut them for you, but you are probably better off doing it on-site so you can check and double check you are cutting to the correct length.

I question whether this bloke is really up to the job of building a shed.
 


Badger

NOT the Honey Badger
NSC Patron
May 8, 2007
13,306
Toronto
This must have been some time ago... timber is sold in metric measurements.

Not in North America. Everything is still sold in stone-age measurements. Also, a 2x4 piece of wood isn't actually 2x4 inches, it's about 1.5x3.5 inches.

I've been doing DIY on my house recently and get annoyed every time I have to buy things from the hardware shop. Buying a 3/16 inch drill bit and a packet of 19/32inch screws.
 






alanfp

Active member
Feb 23, 2024
178
An old lady went to a greengrocers market stall and asked for three pounds of potatoes.
The stall-holder replied "Get with it, grandma, it's all kilos now - has been for years!"

"Oh, I'm sorry - I'll have a three pounds of kilos then.'
 


Eeyore

Colonel Hee-Haw of Queen's Park
NSC Patron
Apr 5, 2014
26,794
I love these threads and the deadpan replies. I always read to my work colleague in Scotland each time they come up. He thinks they're hilarious.
 




Bry Nylon

Test your smoke alarm
Helpful Moderator
Jul 21, 2003
20,775
Playing snooker
An old lady went to a greengrocers market stall and asked for three pounds of potatoes.
The stall-holder replied "Get with it, grandma, it's all kilos now - has been for years!"

"Oh, I'm sorry - I'll have a three pounds of kilos then.'
A customer is within their rights to request loose goods by the pound but the vendor must weigh them using metric scales.

You’d think the market trader would be aware of this instead of coming over all billy big bollocks with a pensioner.
 






ConfusedGloryHunter

He/him/his/that muppet
NSC Patron
Jul 6, 2011
2,455
It is strange that someone so comfortable with the general timber yard terminology that they request "four by two" should completely misunderstand that the sales assistant also required the physical length of the wood too.

It is also unusual to expect the purchase of building materials to be a rental transaction.

In short the hero of this story is a fool, or a complete plank, if you will pardon the pun.
 


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