Your favourite, Viz Top Tips.

[maffew]

Place a chocolate button between your wife/girlfriends bum cheeks while she is asleep. When she wakes up she'll think that she has 'followed through'.

top advice

 

[The Large One]

WOMEN When making apple pie, save money on apples by using onions instead.

 

[Stat Brother]

Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

 

[Staypuft]

Telephone directories make excellent address books. Simply cross out the names of the people you dont know.

 

[magoo]

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing in the first place, you fat b******s.

 

[magoo]

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

 

[Moshe Gariani]

Telephone directories make excellent address books. Simply cross out the names of the people you dont know.

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Get that expensive gravel driveway feeling by glueing rice krispies to your car's tyres.

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

Used tampons make perfect teabags for vampires.

 

[Eggmundo]

Users of premium rate sex lines. Save hundreds of pounds by phoning the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk to you in a sexually explicit manner.

Voyeurs. Sit on your cock and your hand untill they are both numb. Hey presto,it looks and feels like someone else wanking someone else off.

 

[Mr Blobby]

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

 

[Northstander]

Annoy your neighbours by buying the exact same tv and using the remote, change their channels through the front window!

Hours of fun!!

 

[Cian]

Annoy your neighbours by buying the exact same tv and using the remote, change their channels through the front window!

Hours of fun!!

I have a TV-B-Gone, you can actually do this (well, turn it off)

 

[smelly]

Thai Prostitute, Top Flat 174 Dyke Road. Appear remotely interested in your client's exertions and repeat bookings are a distinct possibility!!!!!!

 

[Stat Brother]

Make bathtime as much fun for the kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, and a dog t8rd into the bath.

Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock your cycle securely inside the horse box.

Tie a fish on a piece of string, climb up onto your neighbour's roof, and dangle the fish in front of his window. He'll think his house is underwater.

 

[scarby]

save money on buying expensive carpets by simply glueing carpet tiles to your slippers.............