whenever i go to the loo......

[Brighton till i die]

....i always seem to flush the f***ing thing before i've even started...what is THAT all about? dont do it at home but everywhere else i do. its like i have to flush away the stinky arse who was in there previously!!

this is even before i start laying out the loo roll around the seat to sit on (3 squares at the back, and 2 down each side)

Anyone else do this flush business or do i have to add it to my growing OCD list!!

 

[British Bulldog]

Strange things happen in loo's, I was having a dump at work one day when half the toilet bowl fell off. We knew it was cracked but did'nt think that would happen. Having congratulated myself for getting off the loo without personal injury I made the mistake of flushing it!!! It made hell of a mess of my shoes.

 

[crodonilson]

When I have a wee I start flushing half way through and see if I can finish before the end of the flush.

 

[Man of Harveys]

At work, I always seem to hear someone who is peeing in short, roughly one second-long spurts - splash, pause, splash, pause, and so on. There's no urinal, only cubicles, so I've no idea if this is being done manually - potentially messy - or by a not unimpressive display of bladder control, but either way I can't see the point.

 

[Meade's Ball]

A german woman of Turkish origin with the surname Okoko lived in a room in the house i partly rent. She ate 10 eggs a day and claimed of poisoning by ovary companies. She called me Buddy as she couldn't remember my name. One day she saw my face crumple as i walked near her up the stairs and caught a whiff of her steaming, unpearled clam. Every day, she would drop a few vulturous weetabix in the toilet. They were newborn foul and 82% helium and oily enough to forever rest atop pond.

 

[Common as Mook]

Strange things happen in loo's, I was having a dump at work one day when half the toilet bowl fell off. We knew it was cracked but did'nt think that would happen. Having congratulated myself for getting off the loo without personal injury I made the mistake of flushing it!!! It made hell of a mess of my shoes.

My first NSC chuckle of the day!

 

[cheese sarnie]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2006 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

[captainmorganrum]

[Bthis is even before i start laying out the loo roll around the seat to sit on (3 squares at the back, and 2 down each side)
[/B]

I'm a bit puzzled why you need to put 3 squares on the back of the seat, surely if your arse cheeks touch the back of the seat enough to need loo roll there you've got a good chance of missing the water with your 'outpouring'?
Just wondering like?

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

I always put TWO layers of 3 squares on each side

When I go clubbing (booze always makes me wanna shit) I sometimes put even more down, and when I get up off the seat often there are lots of bits of toilet paper stuck to my thighs and arse cheeks and I have to stand there shaking my hips to get them off, not easy when you're severely drunk & drugged I add.

 

[Napper]

....i always seem to flush the f***ing thing before i've even started...what is THAT all about? dont do it at home but everywhere else i do. its like i have to flush away the stinky arse who was in there previously!!

this is even before i start laying out the loo roll around the seat to sit on (3 squares at the back, and 2 down each side)

Anyone else do this flush business or do i have to add it to my growing OCD list!!

yep . standard mate

1,wrap hands in paper and lift seat up
2,wipe lip of loo , put down lid and wipe seat.
3,new bit of roll and use to flush loo
4,more paper in bottom of loo to stop spalsh back
5,pad loo seat , use 1 sheets to join corners
6,do your business


when leaving toilet , also use little finger to open any doors and locks

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Re: Re: whenever i go to the loo......

yep . standard mate

1,wrap hands in paper and lift seat up
2,wipe lip of loo , put down lid and wipe seat.
3,new bit of roll and use to flush loo
4,more paper in bottom of loo to stop spalsh back
5,pad loo seat , use 1 sheets to join corners
6,do your business


when leaving toilet , also use little finger to open any doors and locks

ah, but how do you flush?

 

[Napper]

Re: Re: Re: whenever i go to the loo......

ah, but how do you flush?

i forgot to say its a fine line as often

9, get the toilet brush involved to do some plunging due to blocked loo



this kinda does the whole paranoid germs thing completly . So be careful

 

[Easy 10]

At work, I always seem to hear someone who is peeing in short, roughly one second-long spurts - splash, pause, splash, pause, and so on. There's no urinal, only cubicles, so I've no idea if this is being done manually - potentially messy - or by a not unimpressive display of bladder control, but either way I can't see the point.

Perhaps the miscreant is "milking" the piss out of his knob.

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

My dad does that (the milking his knob thing)

 

[Easy 10]

You dad has milked his knob in front of you ?

 

[Rangdo]

I carefully remove and flush the first couple of sheets of bog paper in case the previous occupant has contaminated them with his shitty fingers.

 

[jonny.rainbow]

At work, I always seem to hear someone who is peeing in short, roughly one second-long spurts - splash, pause, splash, pause, and so on. There's no urinal, only cubicles, so I've no idea if this is being done manually - potentially messy - or by a not unimpressive display of bladder control, but either way I can't see the point.

I read in a mens mag a few years ago that by urinating then holding a few seconds before urinating again you strengthen the penile muslcles. This can increase the distance you can ejaculate.

 

[Brighton till i die]

I carefully remove and flush the first couple of sheets of bog paper in case the previous occupant has contaminated them with his shitty fingers.

i NEVER use the paper hanging, EVER!!

 

[Muzzman]

I read in a mens mag a few years ago that by urinating then holding a few seconds before urinating again you strengthen the penile muslcles. This can increase the distance you can ejaculate.

Apparently it helps to strengthen the prostate and prevent cancer there.. although that could be an old wive's tale

 

[Brighton till i die]

Re: Re: whenever i go to the loo......

I'm a bit puzzled why you need to put 3 squares on the back of the seat, surely if your arse cheeks touch the back of the seat enough to need loo roll there you've got a good chance of missing the water with your 'outpouring'?
Just wondering like?

mate you always gotta line a public loo.....its the LAW!!

i feel like the 2 squares down the sides of the loo by my arse and thighs is sufficient, and then 3 squares along the back so it over laps the 2 squares in the corner thus giving you less chance of ever touch the seat itself!!