EXCLUSIVE by Jenny Taylia:
December 25: Received a Christmas present from Michel Kuipers, what a nice man he is. Opened the box to find a new pair of football boots, they are from a new manufacturer called Fyffes, he assures me Fyffes is a much cooler brand than Adidas or Nike. Not sure about the bright yellow colour though. I will wear them in for a week and debut them at Bournemouth on New Year's Day.
My girlfriend Sinead bought me the latest James Galway CD for Christmas, along with a new hat and a pig to carry under my arm. I tell her that I love her and that she so reminds me of that singer from my favourite Irish band.
"Andrea Corr", she asks smiling
"No, Bono", I reply
For some reason she does not talk to me for the rest of the day.
Went to her parents house for Christmas dinner, I offer to carry the turkey from the oven to the table, but both of Sinead's parents rush with alarm to stop me picking it up.
December 26th
Home to Yeovil today, the crowd greet me with chants of "Netherland's, Netherland's number one". I am worried about their geography skills.
Lose 3-1, I save a penalty but they score from the rebound. Don't understand why I did not catch the ball, Michel had given me some lucky goose grease from his Christmas meal to smear on my gloves.
December 28th
Mum emails me across a copy of the Galway Times, which lists the 100 most important people in Ballybumsex, the village where I was born (population 87).
I appear in it at number 88, just behind Father Michael , the local priest and paedophile, and Henry O'Toole, whose father runs the brothel on Sligo Road (£40 for an all in, 10% of for Sinn Fein members).
I am indeed a very famous person.
December 30th
Carlisle at home, Michel has given me some tips about coming for crosses, but I tell him that I have a new policy of carrying a set of rosary beads, and saying three Hail Mary's and one How's Your Father at every corner whilst on my knees at the back of the net whilst the corner is being taken.
He mutters something about "Thick as pighsit for sure", which I believe is Dutch for "Good Luck"
I put my gloves on before my boots, Michel helps out by tieing my shoelaces together, he tells me it will prevent me from losing my boots at the end of the match. It seems to work, although it slows me down, preventing me coming outside the six yard box for the whole 90 minutes.
We win the first half 1-0, which means three points for that one, but lose the secong half 2-0. Never mind, three points is better than none, but less than six, by about two I think.
December 31st
Sinead and I go to what she calls a "Fetish party", I am dressed in my best Riverdance outfit, out proudly show off my best Irish dancing, after all I won the Ballybumsex Under-11 jig competition in 1995, and Father Michael gave me what he called a Curly Wurly afterwards as a prize, it hurt my bottom a bit though.
Sinead must have thought the party was something to do with The Sound of Music, silly girl, as she turns up wearing a latex all in one nun's outfit, dog collar, and spiked thigh high boots.
Later at the party I see her doing something unusual with two men who are naked apart from Dale Winton masks and rings through their nipples. She assures me that she is merely practicing for a week away on the piste, and that she was pretending to play with two ski poles.
January 1st 2007
Happy New Year everyone!
I am wearing my new lucky boots today from Michel. They are great, especially the wheels on the bottom of them, which Michel assures me will help me reach the ball faster.
In the first half Adam El Abd helps me when I forget to call for a ball.
"Call for it you f***ing thick bogtrotting ponce" he cries, which I think is Egyptian for "mine"
At the end of 90 minutes the score is 0-0, so when one of their players kicks the ball to me, it does not matter that I fall over and give it to their centre forward, who pretend to the crowd that the match is still continuing and pops it in the net. I thought the referee would give him a yellow card, but he is in on the joke too, and we pretend to kick off again.
I go across to the crowd to receive my acclaim (as one would expect from an INTERNATIONAL goalkeeper)
"Booze, Booze" they all cry, I wave back, touched that so many of them want to buy me a drink.
Some others amongst them are shouting "Dodgee Keeper", so I practice dodging in front of them, a bit like when I was an altar boy and Father Michael would chase me round after mass with his trousers round his ankles.
One of the fans, with a funny 1970's page boy haircut, was shaking his fist at me and turning red in the face in the stands shouting. I am proud of the way I in harmony with such super supporters.
January 6th
We are in the FA Cup today against West Ham, who I believe are nicknamed "The Baggies". At half time the match is 0-0, so I have completed another clean sheet, and we will be in the draw for the fourth round on Monday lunchtime.
January 13th
We are at home to Millwall today. Michel has brought me another present today back from Amsterdam. He says that they are lucky pants. They are made of rubber, and have what looks like a large rubber willy built into the back of them, that vibrates when Michel presses a button on a remote control. He tells me that they will help me to concentrate, and he will buzz me every time I should come off my line for a through ball.
In the first half a long ball comes over the defence, I wait for the signal, but it is about five seconds too late and Millwall score. Michel explains after the match that Sarah Watt's vibrating love balls were jamming the remote control signal, but although disappointed he seems to be smiling a lot.
January 20th
Manager Wendy Wilkins tells me that I have been working too hard in goal recently taking the ball out of the net, and that I need a rest.
What a nice guy he is. The Albion win 1-0, Michel has an easier game than me as he had no ball removing to do.
January 30th
Dick Knight calls me into his office, he has accepted an offer for me to join Preston. I immediately accept, as I have always wanted to sing with the Ordinary Boys, and if I am lucky I might get Chantelle's autograph. I feel as if I have won the X-Factor!
I say goodbuy to the lads, Michel is really upset that I am going. He gives me a cushion to sit on, as he says that the bench at Preston is very cold. I don't quite understand, but assume that is something to do with the rock and roll lifestyle that I will now be entering.
December 25: Received a Christmas present from Michel Kuipers, what a nice man he is. Opened the box to find a new pair of football boots, they are from a new manufacturer called Fyffes, he assures me Fyffes is a much cooler brand than Adidas or Nike. Not sure about the bright yellow colour though. I will wear them in for a week and debut them at Bournemouth on New Year's Day.
My girlfriend Sinead bought me the latest James Galway CD for Christmas, along with a new hat and a pig to carry under my arm. I tell her that I love her and that she so reminds me of that singer from my favourite Irish band.
"Andrea Corr", she asks smiling
"No, Bono", I reply
For some reason she does not talk to me for the rest of the day.
Went to her parents house for Christmas dinner, I offer to carry the turkey from the oven to the table, but both of Sinead's parents rush with alarm to stop me picking it up.
December 26th
Home to Yeovil today, the crowd greet me with chants of "Netherland's, Netherland's number one". I am worried about their geography skills.
Lose 3-1, I save a penalty but they score from the rebound. Don't understand why I did not catch the ball, Michel had given me some lucky goose grease from his Christmas meal to smear on my gloves.
December 28th
Mum emails me across a copy of the Galway Times, which lists the 100 most important people in Ballybumsex, the village where I was born (population 87).
I appear in it at number 88, just behind Father Michael , the local priest and paedophile, and Henry O'Toole, whose father runs the brothel on Sligo Road (£40 for an all in, 10% of for Sinn Fein members).
I am indeed a very famous person.
December 30th
Carlisle at home, Michel has given me some tips about coming for crosses, but I tell him that I have a new policy of carrying a set of rosary beads, and saying three Hail Mary's and one How's Your Father at every corner whilst on my knees at the back of the net whilst the corner is being taken.
He mutters something about "Thick as pighsit for sure", which I believe is Dutch for "Good Luck"
I put my gloves on before my boots, Michel helps out by tieing my shoelaces together, he tells me it will prevent me from losing my boots at the end of the match. It seems to work, although it slows me down, preventing me coming outside the six yard box for the whole 90 minutes.
We win the first half 1-0, which means three points for that one, but lose the secong half 2-0. Never mind, three points is better than none, but less than six, by about two I think.
December 31st
Sinead and I go to what she calls a "Fetish party", I am dressed in my best Riverdance outfit, out proudly show off my best Irish dancing, after all I won the Ballybumsex Under-11 jig competition in 1995, and Father Michael gave me what he called a Curly Wurly afterwards as a prize, it hurt my bottom a bit though.
Sinead must have thought the party was something to do with The Sound of Music, silly girl, as she turns up wearing a latex all in one nun's outfit, dog collar, and spiked thigh high boots.
Later at the party I see her doing something unusual with two men who are naked apart from Dale Winton masks and rings through their nipples. She assures me that she is merely practicing for a week away on the piste, and that she was pretending to play with two ski poles.
January 1st 2007
Happy New Year everyone!
I am wearing my new lucky boots today from Michel. They are great, especially the wheels on the bottom of them, which Michel assures me will help me reach the ball faster.
In the first half Adam El Abd helps me when I forget to call for a ball.
"Call for it you f***ing thick bogtrotting ponce" he cries, which I think is Egyptian for "mine"
At the end of 90 minutes the score is 0-0, so when one of their players kicks the ball to me, it does not matter that I fall over and give it to their centre forward, who pretend to the crowd that the match is still continuing and pops it in the net. I thought the referee would give him a yellow card, but he is in on the joke too, and we pretend to kick off again.
I go across to the crowd to receive my acclaim (as one would expect from an INTERNATIONAL goalkeeper)
"Booze, Booze" they all cry, I wave back, touched that so many of them want to buy me a drink.
Some others amongst them are shouting "Dodgee Keeper", so I practice dodging in front of them, a bit like when I was an altar boy and Father Michael would chase me round after mass with his trousers round his ankles.
One of the fans, with a funny 1970's page boy haircut, was shaking his fist at me and turning red in the face in the stands shouting. I am proud of the way I in harmony with such super supporters.
January 6th
We are in the FA Cup today against West Ham, who I believe are nicknamed "The Baggies". At half time the match is 0-0, so I have completed another clean sheet, and we will be in the draw for the fourth round on Monday lunchtime.
January 13th
We are at home to Millwall today. Michel has brought me another present today back from Amsterdam. He says that they are lucky pants. They are made of rubber, and have what looks like a large rubber willy built into the back of them, that vibrates when Michel presses a button on a remote control. He tells me that they will help me to concentrate, and he will buzz me every time I should come off my line for a through ball.
In the first half a long ball comes over the defence, I wait for the signal, but it is about five seconds too late and Millwall score. Michel explains after the match that Sarah Watt's vibrating love balls were jamming the remote control signal, but although disappointed he seems to be smiling a lot.
January 20th
Manager Wendy Wilkins tells me that I have been working too hard in goal recently taking the ball out of the net, and that I need a rest.
What a nice guy he is. The Albion win 1-0, Michel has an easier game than me as he had no ball removing to do.
January 30th
Dick Knight calls me into his office, he has accepted an offer for me to join Preston. I immediately accept, as I have always wanted to sing with the Ordinary Boys, and if I am lucky I might get Chantelle's autograph. I feel as if I have won the X-Factor!
I say goodbuy to the lads, Michel is really upset that I am going. He gives me a cushion to sit on, as he says that the bench at Preston is very cold. I don't quite understand, but assume that is something to do with the rock and roll lifestyle that I will now be entering.
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Nice one El Pres 
