ali jenkins
Thanks to Guinness Dave
I got the sack from my job at the local swimming pool today. Aparantly tapping the 'No Bombing' sign while a family of Muslims walks past is against the rules!
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todays crap joke thread
- Thread starter Publius Ovidius
- Start date
EastbourneGull
New member
- Oct 1, 2008
- 427
I bought a doormat the other day. Very nice it was too - it had WELCOME written on it.
And what do people do? They wipe their f***ing feet all over it.
And what do people do? They wipe their f***ing feet all over it.
seagullwedgee
Well-known member
- Aug 9, 2005
- 3,008
I see habitat have launched a new range of corduroy pillows.
Apparently they're making headlines already.....
Apparently they're making headlines already.....
Guy Fawkes
The voice of treason
- Sep 29, 2007
- 8,273
I got fired on my first day working at Tescos. I was working in the wines and spirits aisle when a Polish guy came up to me and asked me if i could recommend a good port - I said yes, Dover now f*ck off
Guy Fawkes
The voice of treason
- Sep 29, 2007
- 8,273
Mickey Mouse is in court trying to get a divorce from his wife
.
“Now look here, Mr Mouse” says the judge “I am NOT going to grant you a divorce merely on the grounds that your wife has unfortunate dental problems, and that you’re uncommonly impolite about.”
“No no no” squeaks Mickey “I didn’t SAY she had dental problems. I said she was f***ing Goofy”
.
“Now look here, Mr Mouse” says the judge “I am NOT going to grant you a divorce merely on the grounds that your wife has unfortunate dental problems, and that you’re uncommonly impolite about.”
“No no no” squeaks Mickey “I didn’t SAY she had dental problems. I said she was f***ing Goofy”
Guy Fawkes
The voice of treason
- Sep 29, 2007
- 8,273
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt.
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores."
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt.
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores."
Guy Fawkes
The voice of treason
- Sep 29, 2007
- 8,273
A sandwich walks into a bar.
Barman says “Sorry mate, we don’t serve food”.
Barman says “Sorry mate, we don’t serve food”.
Guy Fawkes
The voice of treason
- Sep 29, 2007
- 8,273
Some B-roads are having a quiet drink in the pub when the A38 and the M6 walk in. The pub quietens and the atmosphere becomes tense. They step up to the bar and place an order and the other roads relax - there isn’t going to be trouble today.
As the A38 and the M6 are sipping their drinks, the pub doors open again and a very thin green road walks in. The M6 immediately leaps nehind the bar and cowers in fright. The A38 looks at the M6 and says, “what’s wrong? He’s only little, you’re a motorway, you can take him.”
To which the M6 replies:
“I may be a motorway, but he’s a f*cking cyclepath!”
As the A38 and the M6 are sipping their drinks, the pub doors open again and a very thin green road walks in. The M6 immediately leaps nehind the bar and cowers in fright. The A38 looks at the M6 and says, “what’s wrong? He’s only little, you’re a motorway, you can take him.”
To which the M6 replies:
“I may be a motorway, but he’s a f*cking cyclepath!”
Guy Fawkes
The voice of treason
- Sep 29, 2007
- 8,273
While watching the Football the other night my wife and I were discussing life and death.
I told her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smart bitch
I told her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smart bitch
Lush
Mods' Pet
^ shouldn't you be out this evening burning something?
Guy Fawkes
The voice of treason
- Sep 29, 2007
- 8,273
I was supposed to be a part of a fireworks display, but they decided to let me off early
User Removed
New member
I bought a dog off a locksmith the other day.
First thing it did when I got it home was make a bolt for the door.
First thing it did when I got it home was make a bolt for the door.