todays crap joke thread

[Publius Ovidius]

2 English tourists drivin through Wales.
At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogog they stop 4 lunch.. 1 of the tourists asks the waitress, "B4 we order, could u settle an argument. Can u pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?" The girl leans over & says "burrr-gurrr-king"

 

[surrey jim]

I tried to speed up my racing snail by removing his shell.... all to no avail though... If anything it's made him more sluggish!

 

[Beach Hut]

I'll raise you:

A lady goes into surgery to have some cosmetic surgery done to her bits down below.

When she wakes up there are three cards as follows:

Husband sends one with a note saying hope it all went OK and get well soon.

Surgeon sends one advising everything went OK.

Brian from the burns unit sends one saying thanks for the new ears....................

 

[seagullsdaz]

I have promised to never let my girlfriend down.

Especially as it took me over an hour to pump her up!

 

[CHAPPERS]

2 English tourists drivin through Wales.
At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogog they stop 4 lunch.. 1 of the tourists asks the waitress, "B4 we order, could u settle an argument. Can u pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?" The girl leans over & says "burrr-gurrr-king"

I like it!

 

[Gazwag]

2 English tourists drivin through Wales.
At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogog they stop 4 lunch.. 1 of the tourists asks the waitress, "B4 we order, could u settle an argument. Can u pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?" The girl leans over & says "burrr-gurrr-king"

Shouldn't that be Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

 

[Barrel of Fun]

I'm not sure an employee of Burger King could be described as a waitress. I am sure they would be called something like a Meal Distributor. I was going to say nourishment, but that would be as far from the truth as one could get.

 

[lucky007]

Sent my girlfriend some snow in the post the other day, just spoke to her and she didnt mention it so dont think she got the drift...........

 

[sam86]

No matter how much I try to move my pen, it's still stationery...

 

[Gazwag]

An angry man walks into a pub "I just stepped in some dog shit" he moans
"I just did that" said a man standing at the bar
So the angry man walks over and hits him

 

[Poyetry In Motion]

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Dr
Dr Who?
Yes, that's me

Edit: you have to assume someone like David Tennent / Tom Baker / Matt Smith telling this joke for it to work

 

[steward 433]

I tried to speed up my racing snail by removing his shell.... all to no avail though... If anything it's made him more sluggish!

Winner so far!!!

 

[Biscuit]

I raised the alarm at work the other day...

The midgets were furious.

 

[BrickTamland]

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?


Because chickens weren't invented yet.

*gets coat*

 

[pasty]

I phoned my dealer yesterday but got the answering machine. It said "If you want to buy some marijuana, press the hash key"

 

[Iamapen15]

I told a long, distasteful joke whilst in the lift at work today. It was wrong on so many levels.

 

[Huple]

An angry man walks into a pub "I just stepped in some dog shit" he moans
"I just did that" said a man standing at the bar
So the angry man walks over and hits him

i hope he was banned after that cos there is no need for violence like that

 

[Publius Ovidius]

I told a long, distasteful joke whilst in the lift at work today. It was wrong on so many levels.

 

[Shifty89]

Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other, 'do you smell carrot?'

 

[fruitnveg]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.