The official Christmas cracker joke thread 2011

[Bozza]

First crackers of the season have been pulled Chez Bozza and this is the pick so far, I think...

What did Bob Marley say when his wife left him and took the satellite dish?

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No Woman No Sky

 

[Voice of Reason]

What is the difference between light and hard?

It is possible to go to sleep with the light on................

 

[Conkers]

What beats it's chest and swings from christmas cake to christmas cake?










Tarzipan

 

[Embrace]

What do you call a man with no shins?












Tony....

 

[The Peanut Roaster]

Did you hear about the Christmas party with lots of fireworks, balloons and crackers?

It went with a bang!

 

[GoldWithFalmer]

Found this and thought it was brilliant!! typical,but brilliant.

 

[Garage_Doors]

What do you call a woman with 4 pints on her head ?

Beatrice.

 

[Garage_Doors]

Just come back from my mates funeral who died after being hit by a tennis ball.

It was a great service.

 

[finlaych]

I went a zoo yesterday and the only animal it had was a dog





It was a shitzu

 

[GoldWithFalmer]

Why is snow and sex so similar?


You never know how much you will get or how long it will last.

 

[catfish]

What colour is a belch?



Burple.

 

[The Peanut Roaster]

Just come back from my mates funeral who died after being hit by a tennis ball.

It was a great service.

Just got back from the wedding of two aerials.

The wedding was ok, but the reception was crap.

 

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright Noooooowwwwwwwwwww

 

[Publius Ovidius]

Went to the doctors, complaint that I felt like a pair of curtains.

He told me to pull myself together

 

[The Large One]

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes

 

[Gwm]

I was in tesco's with the Mrs today when she said ..' wow your one lazy twat you are!' I was so shocked i nearly fell out of the trolley !

 

[Bad Ash]

Some of you must order your crackers from Viz, the jokes in mine are always very tame.

 

[seagullsdaz]

At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise,
so he gave me a cushion to sit on

 

[birthofanorange]

What lives in the sea and loves Dean martin?

That's a moray.

 

[seagullsdaz]

My girlfriend said she's dumped me because of my obsession with plants,
so I asked, "where's this stemming from petal"