Easy 10
Brain dead MUG SHEEP
Season Ticket Holder: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(McGhee does not respond.)
STH: 'Ello, Miss?
McGhee: What do you mean "miss"?
STH: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
McGhee: We're closin' for lunch.
STH: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Sam Parkin rumour that I heard not half an hour ago from this football club.
McGhee: Oh yes, the, uh, the Parkin deal...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
STH: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
McGhee: No, no, it's, uh, it's resting.
STH: Look, matey, I know a dead deal when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
McGhee: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin' ! Remarkable player, Sam Parkin, isn he, ay ? ! Superb pace.
STH: The pace don't enter into it. The deal is stone dead.
McGhee: Nononono, no, no! Its restin!
STH: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting down the phone) 'Ello, Mister Parkin ! I've got a lovely big contract for you 'ere if you...
(McGhee hits the phone)
McGhee: There, he said yes!
STH: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the phone!
McGhee: I never!!
STH: Yes, you did!
McGhee: I never, never did anything...
STH: (yelling and hitting the phone repeatedly) 'ELLO PARKIN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your new club calling!!!
*silence*
STH: Now that's what I call a dead deal.
McGhee: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
STH: STUNNED?!?
McGhee: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was about to say yes. Ipswich players stun easily.
STH: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That deal is definitely deceased, and when I heard it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to him being a bit tired and shagged out after coming on against Wolves.
McGhee: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Norfolk Broads .
STH: PININ' for the NORFOLK BROADS!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did this deal fall flat on its back the moment I got home?
McGhee: The deals just resting. We're waiting for an answer. Remarkable player, id'nit, squire? Superb pace!
STH: Look, I took the liberty of examining that deal when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it was still in the papers in the
first place was that it had been PLANTED there.
(pause)
McGhee: Well, o'course it was planted there! If I hadn't, people would think I wasn't trying to get some more players in and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!, there goes
another thousand seaston ticket holders.
STH: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this deal wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'Its bleedin' demised!
McGhee: No no! 'E's pining!
STH: 'E's not pinin'! It's passed on! This transfer is no more! It has ceased to be! 'Its expired and gone to meet 'its maker! 'It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it
rests in peace! If you hadn't mentioned it to Naylor it'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'Its off the twig! It's kicked the
bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TRANSFER DEAL!!
(pause)
McGhee: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look at the transfer list, and uh,
they're right out of strikers.
STH: I see. I see, I get the picture.
McGhee: I got a non-league midfielder.
(pause)
STH: Pray, does it score goals?
McGhee: Nnnnot really.
STH: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!??!!?
McGhee: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
STH: Well ?
(pause)
McGhee: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
STH: (looks around) Yeah, all right then. Bring Jake though.
(McGhee does not respond.)
STH: 'Ello, Miss?
McGhee: What do you mean "miss"?
STH: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
McGhee: We're closin' for lunch.
STH: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Sam Parkin rumour that I heard not half an hour ago from this football club.
McGhee: Oh yes, the, uh, the Parkin deal...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
STH: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
McGhee: No, no, it's, uh, it's resting.
STH: Look, matey, I know a dead deal when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
McGhee: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin' ! Remarkable player, Sam Parkin, isn he, ay ? ! Superb pace.
STH: The pace don't enter into it. The deal is stone dead.
McGhee: Nononono, no, no! Its restin!
STH: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting down the phone) 'Ello, Mister Parkin ! I've got a lovely big contract for you 'ere if you...
(McGhee hits the phone)
McGhee: There, he said yes!
STH: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the phone!
McGhee: I never!!
STH: Yes, you did!
McGhee: I never, never did anything...
STH: (yelling and hitting the phone repeatedly) 'ELLO PARKIN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your new club calling!!!
*silence*
STH: Now that's what I call a dead deal.
McGhee: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
STH: STUNNED?!?
McGhee: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was about to say yes. Ipswich players stun easily.
STH: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That deal is definitely deceased, and when I heard it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to him being a bit tired and shagged out after coming on against Wolves.
McGhee: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Norfolk Broads .
STH: PININ' for the NORFOLK BROADS!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did this deal fall flat on its back the moment I got home?
McGhee: The deals just resting. We're waiting for an answer. Remarkable player, id'nit, squire? Superb pace!
STH: Look, I took the liberty of examining that deal when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it was still in the papers in the
first place was that it had been PLANTED there.
(pause)
McGhee: Well, o'course it was planted there! If I hadn't, people would think I wasn't trying to get some more players in and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!, there goes
another thousand seaston ticket holders.
STH: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this deal wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'Its bleedin' demised!
McGhee: No no! 'E's pining!
STH: 'E's not pinin'! It's passed on! This transfer is no more! It has ceased to be! 'Its expired and gone to meet 'its maker! 'It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it
rests in peace! If you hadn't mentioned it to Naylor it'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'Its off the twig! It's kicked the
bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TRANSFER DEAL!!
(pause)
McGhee: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look at the transfer list, and uh,
they're right out of strikers.
STH: I see. I see, I get the picture.
McGhee: I got a non-league midfielder.
(pause)
STH: Pray, does it score goals?
McGhee: Nnnnot really.
STH: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!??!!?
McGhee: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
STH: Well ?
(pause)
McGhee: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
STH: (looks around) Yeah, all right then. Bring Jake though.
Last edited:
