Heffle Gull
JCL since 1979
Whats brown & Sticky?
A Stick
Whats brown & runny?
Kelly Holmes
A Stick
Whats brown & runny?
Kelly Holmes
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tell me a joke
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Wardy
NSC's Benefits Guru
A man goes to his doctors and is told that he is suffering from stress. You need to have a week away from everything, no TV, no computer, no telephone just relaxing.
He goes home and gets out his map, and finds this place in Wales that is in the middle of nowhere, calls the only B&B in the village and books a room for the week. 1 hour later he is on his way with just a small suitcase. He books into the B&B and starts to relax.
After a few hours he decides that it is time for a drink, so sets out towards the only pub in the village, which luck for him seems to sell Harveys on draught. He settles down for the night and has a few drinks.
This carries on for a few days and then one night starting to feel the need for a shag, he points out to the landlord of the pub that he as not seen a single women in all the time that he has been there.
That's because we do not have any the landlord said,
What do you do when you need a shag then? he asks
We use the sheep, replies the landlord.
Your winding me up the bloke says,
Nope in fact we are meeting in the morning if you want to come.
Since he has had a few drinks he agrees and thinks no more of it. The next morning there is a knock at his room door, he opens the door and there is the landlord holding a pair of Wellington's. Still thinking that it is a wind-up the bloke puts on the boots and follows the landlord out the door.
Outside there is a big group of men and they soon start of over the field. They get to the top of a small hill and in the valley below is a large flock of sheep. The man starts to run down the hill but is soon stopped.
Hang on there is one rule, in order to make it fair we all stand in a line and count to 3, then we all run down the hill and the first one there gets the pick of the sheep.
So they all stand in a line and the count to three, the bloke sets off like a bullet and is soon ahead. He gets their first, grabs the nearest sheep, pulls down his trousers and starts shagging it.
A few seconds later the rest of the people run catch up and start laughing at him.
I knew it was a wind-up he says,
No its not that, it's just that you picked the ugly one.
He goes home and gets out his map, and finds this place in Wales that is in the middle of nowhere, calls the only B&B in the village and books a room for the week. 1 hour later he is on his way with just a small suitcase. He books into the B&B and starts to relax.
After a few hours he decides that it is time for a drink, so sets out towards the only pub in the village, which luck for him seems to sell Harveys on draught. He settles down for the night and has a few drinks.
This carries on for a few days and then one night starting to feel the need for a shag, he points out to the landlord of the pub that he as not seen a single women in all the time that he has been there.
That's because we do not have any the landlord said,
What do you do when you need a shag then? he asks
We use the sheep, replies the landlord.
Your winding me up the bloke says,
Nope in fact we are meeting in the morning if you want to come.
Since he has had a few drinks he agrees and thinks no more of it. The next morning there is a knock at his room door, he opens the door and there is the landlord holding a pair of Wellington's. Still thinking that it is a wind-up the bloke puts on the boots and follows the landlord out the door.
Outside there is a big group of men and they soon start of over the field. They get to the top of a small hill and in the valley below is a large flock of sheep. The man starts to run down the hill but is soon stopped.
Hang on there is one rule, in order to make it fair we all stand in a line and count to 3, then we all run down the hill and the first one there gets the pick of the sheep.
So they all stand in a line and the count to three, the bloke sets off like a bullet and is soon ahead. He gets their first, grabs the nearest sheep, pulls down his trousers and starts shagging it.
A few seconds later the rest of the people run catch up and start laughing at him.
I knew it was a wind-up he says,
No its not that, it's just that you picked the ugly one.
Burgess Hill Seagulls
hmmmm...
I got 10/10 
Juan Albion
Chicken Sniffer 3rd Class
I'm confused. Where does Rhys come into it? Did he live on the island? Was he a friend of Jack, Alex and Fred? We need to know. . .
Lankyseagull
One Step Beyond
Before anyone says it, I know Chirac is no longer President of France, but I couldn't be arsed to change it. 
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac! This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Bejeysus!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two muckspreaders a combine harvester, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Holy mackerel!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Mickey McLaughlin's crop duster with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fecking way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac! This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Bejeysus!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two muckspreaders a combine harvester, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Holy mackerel!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Mickey McLaughlin's crop duster with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fecking way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
NMH
Banned
A macho father decides it's time to tell his son Graham about the birds and bees.
The lad sits there gobsmacked at the descriptions of sexual acts.
One evening Graham comes home late, his shirt untucked and hair a mess.
"what happened to you?" asked a worried pater.
"well Dad, tonight I had sex - and I got my first blow job!"
The father is relieved, and beams in approval.
"well done Graham! I'm proud of you lad, so what did you think of it?"
"not much...actually it tasted terrible"
The lad sits there gobsmacked at the descriptions of sexual acts.
One evening Graham comes home late, his shirt untucked and hair a mess.
"what happened to you?" asked a worried pater.
"well Dad, tonight I had sex - and I got my first blow job!"
The father is relieved, and beams in approval.
"well done Graham! I'm proud of you lad, so what did you think of it?"
"not much...actually it tasted terrible"
sod1
New member
Two tramps are walking down the street. One of the tramp's turns round to the other tramp and says "did you fart?"
The other tramp say's "NO".
Walking on down the street, the first tramp say's "are you sure you didn't fart?"
The second tramp says "NO!"
The first tramp says "Did your shit yourself?"
The second tramp says "no, I havn't shit myself".
The first tramp says "pull down your boxers and prove it".
So the second tramp pulled down his boxers and sitting there was a big lump of shit.
"I told you!!! You shit yourself.!!"
The other tramp says "No that was there when I found them"
The other tramp say's "NO".
Walking on down the street, the first tramp say's "are you sure you didn't fart?"
The second tramp says "NO!"
The first tramp says "Did your shit yourself?"
The second tramp says "no, I havn't shit myself".
The first tramp says "pull down your boxers and prove it".
So the second tramp pulled down his boxers and sitting there was a big lump of shit.
"I told you!!! You shit yourself.!!"
The other tramp says "No that was there when I found them"
dan-reilly-1991
Member
A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.
lol
lol
PCBEARDMLORD
Isn't it ?
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a girl who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
PCBEARDMLORD
Isn't it ?
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced,
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."
The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well they always search for the black box first?"
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."
The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well they always search for the black box first?"
