tell me a joke

[steward 433]

OK all I need cheering up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell me your best joke and i will rate them

 

[Withdean Wanderer]

John Arne Risse has just been arrested on the M62. Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction.

 

[steward 433]

John Arne Risse has just been arrested on the M62. Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction.

7/10 good start

 

[Jake Manthorpe]

Bloke goes 2 buy a talking dog. he gets there, dog says "alright mate?" guy says " fuckin hell, seen in all now" dog says" i've won crufts 5 times, been on t.v, in films. sniffed out explosives in iraq and run 8 marathons" guy says 2 owner " why you sellin him then?"owner says " cos he's a lying ****!"

 

[steward 433]

Bloke goes 2 buy a talking dog. he gets there, dog says "alright mate?" guy says " fuckin hell, seen in all now" dog says" i've won crufts 5 times, been on t.v, in films. sniffed out explosives in iraq and run 8 marathons" guy says 2 owner " why you sellin him then?"owner says " cos he's a lying ****!"

6/10 good effort

 

[1234andcounting]

A girl walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

 

[steward 433]

A girl walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

A very poor 4/10

If i had a quid everytime i have heard that i could have a very good night out

 

[Frutos]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. while he is waiting for the drink to b served, he notices that on the end of the bar, there is a very small man playing an even smaller piano. Curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the barman what's going on.

The barman replies "I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else. I have a genie who lives in a beer bottle behind here. You rub the bottle and he'll grant you one wish, although you have to whisper it to him so that no-one else hears what you wished for." "Can I have a go?" asks the man "I'll pay you". The barman thinks about it for a while and agrees, lifting a bottle from behind the bar.

The customer rubs it and out pops the genie in a cloud of smoke, the guy whispers into the genie's ear what he'd like, the genie claps his hands and then disappears again. As he disappears, an ostrich and a Siamese cat appear in the bar next to the man, who looks at them in a very confused manner.

"What's the matter?" said the barman. "Well", says the customer "this isn't exactly what I wished for". The barman thinks this over for a second and then says "I knew there was something else I should have told you, that genie is a little hard of hearing. What exactly did you ask for?"

The guy says "I asked for a bird with long legs, and a nice pussy", to which the barman replies, pointing in the direction of the man with the piano "You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

*coat*

 

[Jake Manthorpe]

Mr.khan & Mr.jones live next door to each other in identical houses.
Their homes are valued by an estate agent. Mr.Khans house is worth £200,000 an Mr.Jones' is worth £150,000. Mr.Jones asks the estate agent why this is so. the estate agent replys "simple, Mr.Khan doesnt have a ***** living next door!"

 

[steward 433]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. while he is waiting for the drink to b served, he notices that on the end of the bar, there is a very small man playing an even smaller piano. Curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the barman what's going on.

The barman replies "I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else. I have a genie who lives in a beer bottle behind here. You rub the bottle and he'll grant you one wish, although you have to whisper it to him so that no-one else hears what you wished for." "Can I have a go?" asks the man "I'll pay you". The barman thinks about it for a while and agrees, lifting a bottle from behind the bar.

The customer rubs it and out pops the genie in a cloud of smoke, the guy whispers into the genie's ear what he'd like, the genie claps his hands and then disappears again. As he disappears, an ostrich and a Siamese cat appear in the bar next to the man, who looks at them in a very confused manner.

"What's the matter?" said the barman. "Well", says the customer "this isn't exactly what I wished for". The barman thinks this over for a second and then says "I knew there was something else I should have told you, that genie is a little hard of hearing. What exactly did you ask for?"

The guy says "I asked for a bird with long legs, and a nice pussy", to which the barman replies, pointing in the direction of the man with the piano "You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

*coat*

No a very creditable 7/10

Am i sad i don't ever recall hearing that before?? :thud:

 

[steward 433]

Mr.khan & Mr.jones live next door to each other in identical houses.
Their homes are valued by an estate agent. Mr.Khans house is worth £200,000 an Mr.Jones' is worth £150,000. Mr.Jones asks the estate agent why this is so. the estate agent replys "simple, Mr.Khan doesnt have a ***** living next door!"

8/10

 

[Jake Manthorpe]

Paddy and Murphy staggered out of the zoo pouring with blood. "Bollocks to that" said Paddy. "that's the last time i go f***ing lion dancing!"

 

[Legend]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods.'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.'

 

[steward 433]

Legend 7/10 good effort

 

[steward 433]

Paddy and Murphy staggered out of the zoo pouring with blood. "Bollocks to that" said Paddy. "that's the last time i go f***ing lion dancing!"

7/10 again keep them coming guys

 

[Fixtures]

No a very creditable 7/10

Am i sad i don't ever recall hearing that before?? :thud:

Then double your pleasure by reading it again here

 

[Jake Manthorpe]

I went to my first muslim birthday party the other day.. Musical chairs was a bit slow, but f*** me was pass the parcel quick!!!

 

[steward 433]

Then double your pleasure by reading it again here

FIXTURES Frutos

 

[Wardy]

Mr Smith and Mr Ahmed live next door to each other. Mr Smith buys some chickens in order to have fresh eggs each day. One day he gets up and one of his hens has laid a egg in Mr Ahmed's garden. He goes to get the egg but Mr Ahmed says no it's my egg because it is in my garden. After they have been arguing for a few minutes Mr Smith says I have an idea, we will take turns to kick each other in the balls, who ever gets up quickest can keep the egg.

Mr Ahmed thinks about it and says okay. So Mr Smith takes a 5 garden run up and kicks Mr Ahmed in the balls, he goes down like a sack of potatoes and takes 10 minutes to get up.

Right my go says Mr Ahmed, sod it says Mr Smith you can keep the bloody egg.

 

[steward 433]

I went to my first muslim birthday party the other day.. Musical chairs was a bit slow, but f*** me was pass the parcel quick!!!

5/10 old joke now !!!!!!!!!!