Novel by trying to be published girl - please take time to read or help vote for.

[garethjamesuk]

My sisters and I watch Mama’s casket being lowered into the tomb that is to become her resting place. The gears and cranks of the lowering device hiss and whine until the casket is finally settled at the bottom. The groundskeepers quickly remove the straps from Mama’s casket before they methodically begin sifting dirt from the massive mound on to the top of Mama’s casket.

Cynthia-the sister above me-runs over to the mound of dirt and begins furiously thrashing around. The dirt is wet, and it looks more like coffee grounds than the cement that is to seal Mama away. The groundskeepers turn to us. They obviously don’t know what to do so Clair-the oldest-just nods and they give Cynthia space.

The above, edited:

My sisters and I watch Mama's casket as the gears and cranks of the lowering device hiss and whine until the casket is finally lowered into the tomb which will be her final resting place. The ground-keepers deftly remove the straps from her casket before methodically shifting earth from the massive mound to cover it.

Cynthia, my elder sister, runs over to the mound of soil and begins thrashing around in it. It is wet and looks more like ground coffee than the earth which is to seal Mama away. The ground-keepers turn to us wondering what to do. Clair, the eldest sister, just nods to them. They understand, and they leave Cynthia be.

Remember she is American and also Writers have a different way to writing to make things more dramatic than you would in anything else, but thanks for reading it Hovagirl

 

[Barrel of Fun]

I'm currently working my way through it.

Personal opinion, she is trying to be far too descriptive, when it doesn't necessarily need it. I'm not sure why she is so keen on using hyphens as opposed to commas, but that is not a huge issue. It doesn't read very well.

“Did she sound concerned about something?” asks Clair, placing a stray tendril behind her ear.

A bit of a plant or is she talking about her hair?

I'm by no means an expert. Merely an amateur trying to write my first book.

 

[Lush]

I suggest you get her to read some of Meade's Ball's posts.

 

[garethjamesuk]

I understand comments by people but remember that she is American and sometimes do write and describe things very differently to we do, but for her to be awarded the editors choice that shows she must be doing something write as they get a lot of writers on this website so a lot of competition.
But thanks to everyone for even giving a chance, books is one of them things what is perfect for one person is boring to another, why such a tough industry to crack.

 

[Fungus]

Maybe she should have a look at this recent article about publishing:
How to publish your own Kindle eBook | Analysis | Features | PC Pro

 

[garethjamesuk]

Maybe she should have a look at this recent article about publishing:
How to publish your own Kindle eBook | Analysis | Features | PC Pro

Thanks LE2, i will pass on.

 

[rbridd]

Hey, If JK Rowling can get published there's hope for this girl.

 

[Waynflete]

My sisters and I watch Mama’s casket being lowered into the tomb that is to become her resting place. The gears and cranks of the lowering device hiss and whine until the casket is finally settled at the bottom. The groundskeepers quickly remove the straps from Mama’s casket before they methodically begin sifting dirt from the massive mound on to the top of Mama’s casket.

Cynthia-the sister above me-runs over to the mound of dirt and begins furiously thrashing around. The dirt is wet, and it looks more like coffee grounds than the cement that is to seal Mama away. The groundskeepers turn to us. They obviously don’t know what to do so Clair-the oldest-just nods and they give Cynthia space.

The above, edited:

My sisters and I watch Mama's casket as the gears and cranks of the lowering device hiss and whine until the casket is finally lowered into the tomb which will be her final resting place. The ground-keepers deftly remove the straps from her casket before methodically shifting earth from the massive mound to cover it.

Cynthia, my elder sister, runs over to the mound of soil and begins thrashing around in it. It is wet and looks more like ground coffee than the earth which is to seal Mama away. The ground-keepers turn to us wondering what to do. Clair, the eldest sister, just nods to them. They understand, and they leave Cynthia be.

I've not read this book, just the passages posted here, but in my opinion the edited version sounds like something that has been 'corrected' by a teacher. Nothing wrong with it but it's bland.

The original version seems much more interesting to me as it still has some rough edges and sounds like it was written by an author with an individual voice; much better for a work of fiction, not trying to be too perfect. Just my opinion, of course.

 

[garethjamesuk]

I've not read this book, just the passages posted here, but in my opinion the edited version sounds like something that has been 'corrected' by a teacher. Nothing wrong with it but it's bland.

The original version seems much more interesting to me as it still has some rough edges and sounds like it was written by an author with an individual voice; much better for a work of fiction, not trying to be too perfect. Just my opinion, of course.

Exactly the whole point of books is to put across a thought may it be extreme or over the top, but its to make people react or think about further, thanks for your input and its nice to see that you think Tessa's version is better as like said not trying to be perfect just trying to get people to maybe understand her or the characters or story trying to put across.
Its the fun of books each person has a different opinion on what works better for them.

 

[Colossal Squid]

I suggest you get her to read some of Meade's Ball's posts.

Spot on. Now there's a writer

 

[garethjamesuk]

What type of books do you all like reading ? do you read novels ? or books only published by well known authors ?
Interesting to see how people get into something and how, as internet has opened us upto the chance to read books and novels off want to be writers, i think its great that girl i know has this chance and i really hope she does well.

 

[HovaGirl]

Remember she is American and also Writers have a different way to writing to make things more dramatic than you would in anything else, but thanks for reading it Hovagirl

Her writing style makes it quite clear she is American. She uses a lot of colloquialisms in her descriptive paragraphs, where they would be better-placed within dialogue. For example: "they give Cynthia space". That is not fine writing. The word "earth" is better than "dirt", because it reflects the burial process, as in "earth to earth, dust to dust". Writers use particular words deliberately, for a particular effect - sometimes dramatic, sometimes poetic, sometimes funny. That is what writing is all about. It's not just about banging out a story just because some words are rattling around your head. The same is true of punctuation. Hyphens without spaces are not correct punctuation, unless part of a compound word, such as "ground-keepers". "Cynthia-the sister above me-runs" should have two commas to make the clause, but the phrase "above me", does not suggest age. It suggests subservience on the part of the writer, or that she lived in the flat or apartment above.

 

[HovaGirl]

I understand comments by people but remember that she is American and sometimes do write and describe things very differently to we do, but for her to be awarded the editors choice that shows she must be doing something write as they get a lot of writers on this website so a lot of competition.
But thanks to everyone for even giving a chance, books is one of them things what is perfect for one person is boring to another, why such a tough industry to crack.

It's nigh-on an impossible industry to crack. A multi-book best-selling author is my cousin, but even they have found it exceedingly difficult to get a publisher for their latest work. Another author has been writing a series of books for more than 20 years, but the publishers don't want to publish any more. Before you find a publisher, these days, you have to have an agent. But agents don't want to know you, until you have been published! Congratulations to your friend for making it to Editor's Choice.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

There was a wonderful article in a paper, fairly recently, saying the key to cracking the market was to gain a 'Richard and Judy' seal of approval.

 

[BeeGee]

My daughter Vikki gained a two book deal last year here in Australia. This has transformed her in so many marvellous ways, her confidence especially, having had many hidden doubts that she could crack what is a tough, tough market.

She is now receiving accolades for her first novel, a Young Adult book, called "All I Ever Wanted", which was published about a month ago.

She is always happy to correspond with other authors, giving and getting tips, support systems, etc. That seems to be what authors spend a large portion of their time doing, so perhaps have someone PM me and I will see if I can hook both parties up.

I can’t post a link to Vikki’s pages (not enough NSC posts yet) so just Google

Vikki Wakefield
All I Ever Wanted

p.s. I don't know how it happened, but she became a closet Spurs supporter when she was about 15, because she liked the "Cockerel" logo........

 

[Waynflete]

Her writing style makes it quite clear she is American. She uses a lot of colloquialisms in her descriptive paragraphs, where they would be better-placed within dialogue. For example: "they give Cynthia space". That is not fine writing. The word "earth" is better than "dirt", because it reflects the burial process, as in "earth to earth, dust to dust". Writers use particular words deliberately, for a particular effect - sometimes dramatic, sometimes poetic, sometimes funny. That is what writing is all about. It's not just about banging out a story just because some words are rattling around your head. The same is true of punctuation. Hyphens without spaces are not correct punctuation, unless part of a compound word, such as "ground-keepers". "Cynthia-the sister above me-runs" should have two commas to make the clause, but the phrase "above me", does not suggest age. It suggests subservience on the part of the writer, or that she lived in the flat or apartment above.

It's written in the first person and the present tense, so in my opinion it's entirely appropriate to use colloquialisms in descriptive paragraphs. That's what gives the language its texture. It would, I think, be wrong to sterilise the language to make it 'proper English'. You wouldn't criticise Steinbeck for using American phrases.

Saying the use of 'earth' is better than 'dirt' as if it's an objective fact is also strange. The narrator is an American, so presumably the language reflects that and the word 'dirt' is the word that would be used by the character who is telling the story.

I tend to agree with you on the hyphen issue, but I guess they're supposed to be dashes not hyphens, which is something that can be changed if necessary.

Either way, it doesn't seem to me that the author has just banged out a story because some words are rattling around in her head. I expect she has made deliberate choices about how to tell the story.

 

[garethjamesuk]

It's written in the first person and the present tense, so in my opinion it's entirely appropriate to use colloquialisms in descriptive paragraphs. That's what gives the language its texture. It would, I think, be wrong to sterilise the language to make it 'proper English'. You wouldn't criticise Steinbeck for using American phrases.

Saying the use of 'earth' is better than 'dirt' as if it's an objective fact is also strange. The narrator is an American, so presumably the language reflects that and the word 'dirt' is the word that would be used by the character who is telling the story.

I tend to agree with you on the hyphen issue, but I guess they're supposed to be dashes not hyphens, which is something that can be changed if necessary.

Either way, it doesn't seem to me that the author has just banged out a story because some words are rattling around in her head. I expect she has made deliberate choices about how to tell the story.

Interesting comments, i have passed some of these onto her as i think its good to get feedback, like both of you have made comments, it proves that writing is done very differently from book to book, author to author, i think she has potential to do it and has received some nice comments off people regarding this novel and others she has done.
I hope she gets given the chance and like hovagirl said some people cant get published purely because of who know and also maybe what they looking for at that time etc, its properly one of the hardest industries to make a career in, as the people in charge of website on, said to make the most out of that she is editors choice as this has given her the limelight, they think she has potential and giving her opportunity to get followers and also poss publishing, which is nice of them.

 

[garethjamesuk]

My daughter Vikki gained a two book deal last year here in Australia. This has transformed her in so many marvellous ways, her confidence especially, having had many hidden doubts that she could crack what is a tough, tough market.

She is now receiving accolades for her first novel, a Young Adult book, called "All I Ever Wanted", which was published about a month ago.

She is always happy to correspond with other authors, giving and getting tips, support systems, etc. That seems to be what authors spend a large portion of their time doing, so perhaps have someone PM me and I will see if I can hook both parties up.

I can’t post a link to Vikki’s pages (not enough NSC posts yet) so just Google

Vikki Wakefield
All I Ever Wanted

p.s. I don't know how it happened, but she became a closet Spurs supporter when she was about 15, because she liked the "Cockerel" logo........

Love Australia, your daughter is very lucky to be given the opportunity and im pleased to hear she is doing so well, where abouts in australia you based ? i have spent about 3 years in australia, worked over there for a while.
My fav place is sydney, but also soft spots for Tasmania and Perth.
I will pass what you said onto Tessa and i will then contact yourself as all help get appreciated and its nice that other writers help eachother, i think that shows stick together as know how hard it is and remember what they went through before gettng published, your daughters deserves all success she gets.

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Cynthia-the sister above me-runs over to the mound of dirt and begins furiously thrashing around.

“Mama, why?” begs Cynthia, brushing off her pants and standing up in defeat.

Right on the opening page, too.

I just came so hard