My 10-point plan for Wimbledon coverage to make it relevant

[Tooting Gull]

I actually like tennis, at its best it is a great sport with two people putting it all out there a bit gladiatorial-like.

But the Wimbledon coverage makes me cringe, and I think probably puts off millions more sporty kids than it attracts. It is the epitome of 'uncool'. The whole aim is targeting middle-class women viewers from the Shires. We know kids from less privileged backgrounds with ability are choosing other sports.

So here it is.

1) Ditch Sue Barker immediately. She isn't that bad a broadcaster, but has come to symbolise the establishment, and is way too twee.
2) Ban all people involved in All England Club (eg Tim Henman) from being involved in punditry while still in that role. Too cosy.
3) Put a rocket up the journalists' arse. What is the biggest story to come out this year - another Centre/No1 Court controversy? They need to remember their job, dig deeper, and ruffle some feathers/create headlines.
4) A major overhaul of Barker's support cast. John Lloyd, Virginia Wade etc. McEnroe puts most to shame with his insight and lack of craven respect for authority.
5) Stop obsessing about British losers in early rounds, and concentrate more on the best players in the world.
6) There is more to talk about than the weather.
7) Clare Balding should stick to horses.
8) I couldn't give a shite which royals are in attendance.
9) Have some better features about success (or failure) of tennis at grass roots
10) Ask some proper questions about how LTA has wasted all the millions it gets.

 

[Everest]

11) If Cliff Richard turns up, he is fair game to anybody with any sort of weapon.

 

[Tricky Dicky]

11) If Cliff Richard turns up, he is fair game to anybody with any sort of weapon.

To be fair, that shouldn't be limited to Wimbledon.

 

[MattBackHome]

12) Remove Virginia Wade's larynx.

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

13) When someone hits an incredible passing shot they have to play the darts theme song over the PA system.

 

[CHAPPERS]

14) Make the players shout 'WHACK', 'BOSH' or 'HAVE THAT' when they hit a ball particularly hard.

 

[Gilliver's Travels]

94) Try sounding a continuous foghorn in the background whenever Andy Murray speaks. Although adding the illusion of interest, it will soon prove impossible to tell them apart.

 

[Oscar]

I'm not much of a tennis fan but one thing I've never got about the coverage on TV is why they show about 10 mins of the players warming up. I can't think of any other sporting broadcast that does this.

 

[Oscar]

They should also eject any spectators who insist on uttering the lame "Come on Tim/Andy/whoever" between every point.

 

[Simster]

14) Ask how the LTA can justify the tens and tens of frequently seen empty seats on the show courts when there are people camping outside just to get into Wimbledon, never mind the show courts. Would be far more interesting than the weather/royalty/plucky Brit bollox they fill in with.

 

[gripper stebson]

Twop Twips ‏@TwopTwips
LIVEN up Wimbledon by imagining that it matters who wins the games.

 

[gripper stebson]

Twop Twips ‏@TwopTwips
LIVEN up Wimbledon by imagining that it matters who wins the games.

Also quite liked...

Twop Twips ‏@TwopTwips
PRETEND you're a professional tennis player by wiping your face on a towel every 30 seconds then throwing it at a child

 

[Gazwag]

I'm not much of a tennis fan but one thing I've never got about the coverage on TV is why they show about 10 mins of the players warming up. I can't think of any other sporting broadcast that does this.

Sky's football broadcasts, whilst talking about the team/certain players etc, ok its puntuated by ad breaks but its similar in length

 

[Lady Whistledown]

I agree about the cloying irritation of Sue Barker, the ever smug Andrew Castle, and Virginia Wade, whose voice carries a permanent note of someone who's just been told her kitten's been run over.

But I can't really see what Clare Balding does wrong, to be honest. She knows her stuff and she doesn't quite kiss Murray's arse to the same embarrassing degree that Barker does.

 

[Tooting Gull]

13) When someone hits an incredible passing shot they have to play the darts theme song over the PA system.

I like that one, just have to find the right time to play it. End of a set?

Maybe for a passing shot it could be THOSE few bars of Blur's Song 2.

 

[pasty]

They should also eject any spectators who insist on uttering the lame "Come on Tim/Andy/whoever" between every point.

This ruling should also be applied in golf to any fuckwit shouting "get in the hole" immediately after a player has just tee'd off on a par 5.

 

[Oscar]

But I can't really see what Clare Balding does wrong, to be honest. She knows her stuff and she doesn't quite kiss Murray's arse to the same embarrassing degree that Barker does.

But Balding does look like a crescent moon and that's just too freaky for TV.

 

[Vegas Seagull]

I actually like tennis, at its best it is a great sport with two people putting it all out there a bit gladiatorial-like.

But the Wimbledon coverage makes me cringe, and I think probably puts off millions more sporty kids than it attracts. It is the epitome of 'uncool'. The whole aim is targeting middle-class women viewers from the Shires. We know kids from less privileged backgrounds with ability are choosing other sports.

So here it is.

1) Ditch Sue Barker immediately. She isn't that bad a broadcaster, but has come to symbolise the establishment, and is way too twee.
2) Ban all people involved in All England Club (eg Tim Henman) from being involved in punditry while still in that role. Too cosy.
3) Put a rocket up the journalists' arse. What is the biggest story to come out this year - another Centre/No1 Court controversy? They need to remember their job, dig deeper, and ruffle some feathers/create headlines.
4) A major overhaul of Barker's support cast. John Lloyd, Virginia Wade etc. McEnroe puts most to shame with his insight and lack of craven respect for authority.
5) Stop obsessing about British losers in early rounds, and concentrate more on the best players in the world.
6) There is more to talk about than the weather.
7) Clare Balding should stick to horses.
8) I couldn't give a shite which royals are in attendance.
9) Have some better features about success (or failure) of tennis at grass roots
10) Ask some proper questions about how LTA has wasted all the millions it gets.

Why don't you go & avoid all 10?

 

[Tooting Gull]

Why don't you go & avoid all 10?

I see. So your suggestion is that, err, millions of us ignore the wall to wall coverage on two channels for a fortnight and all get down to Centre Court every day.

As Blackadder might say, 'It's a brilliant plan. Apart from one, teency, weency flaw. It's bollocks.'

 

[dingodan]

I would like to see them replace all the tennis balls with cricket balls, and the tennis bats with cricket bats. For a laugh.