*MASSIVE transfer news & LATEST news on VINCENTELOT*

[Mr Everyone]

NOTHING to me is as PLEASURABLE as a FULL English in the CLIFTONVILLE whilst WAITING for my SAUCE to turn up and TODAY was no EXCEPTION. I was just having the last NIBBLE of a SAUSAGE and contemplating ORDERING another when MY sauce turned up BREATHLESS with EXCITEMENT.

I asked HIM what the BIG news was and HE said it WAS unbelievable but Wayne BIRDGE was singing a SEASONS loan and would be ANNOUNCED later but it was 100% CAST iron DONE deal. I nearly FELL off my CHAIR in shock and I feel HONOURED that I am the FIRST to know all these SCOOPS in advance.

BEFORE my SAUCE departed into the THRONGING masses of GEORGE Street I asked him the latest NEWS on VINCENTELOT and my SAUCE said it was COMPLICATED. Apparantly what HAD upset Mr V was that he was in MARBELLER and in his 5* hotel and some OLD English bloke with a GOATEY beard and his SUNGLASSES on a piece of STRING on the SUNBED next to him STARTED boasting how he was the CHAIRMAN of a football club and HOW he had used the money from the 1983 FA Cup Final and the PROCEEDS of the sale of BOBBY Zamora to QPR to fund his LIFESTYLE in the COSTA del Sol. Vincentelot then REALISED with horror that this was the potless pillock Dick Tight WHO he had been WARNED about and Vincentelot GOT onto his agent to TELL the Albion he WOULDN'T return UNTIL the TINPOT twat had been REMOVED from the club including that manky bar NAMED after him.

There was some FRANTIC talks until it was all RESOLVED and the good news is that from the FIRST home game Dicks BAR is NO more and is now 'ERNESTO'S' and is a SPANISH tappers bar SERVING pieller and SANGREER and NONE of that Harveys PISS water and the entertainment WILL not be ATILLA and his LICKERS thinking it is STILL 1977 but FLAMINGO music and TRADITIONAL Spanish DANCING.

VINCENTELOT now is TOTALLY focussed on the NEW season and with his amigo's BURNO and INDIGO has promised to BANG in a hat TRICK against CARDIFF and will CELEBRATE by DIVING into the FAMILY stand to HUG his number ONE supporter.

I must ADMIT I was overcome with JOY at such news and to me VINCENTELOT is the BIGGEST Albion LEGEND ever.

Funniest shit since your last scoop, mate!!!! Could this be a regular Friday fixture throughout the close-season?? This sort of thread is what sets NSC apart from the others!!

 

[Hungry Joe]

If the following didn't raise at least a small smile at the corner of your mouth then I guess you just need to accept Ernest isn't your cuppa and leave his threads well alone....

"There was some FRANTIC talks until it was all RESOLVED and the good news is that from the FIRST home game Dicks BAR is NO more and is now 'ERNESTO'S' and is a SPANISH tappers bar SERVING pieller and SANGREER and NONE of that Harveys PISS water and the entertainment WILL not be ATILLA and his LICKERS thinking it is STILL 1977 but FLAMINGO music and TRADITIONAL Spanish DANCING."

 

[Shooting Star]

Dick Tight comment tickled me up something silly.

 

[El Presidente]

Did your SAUCE reveal if BRUNO was going to fight David HAYE at the Amex Ernest?

 

[Motogull]

I had a proper giggle at work reading this at lunchtime.

 

[Mental Lental]

Ok, I'll dip out here, just wondering what was funny about it, that's all!

Ok.......

The OP has created a character, called Ernest, who regularly meets a trusted source for transfer (and other) gossip in The Cliftonville. As The Cliftonville is a cheap and cheerful Wetherspoon's pub full of sad skint alcoholics and quite the last place you would want to meet to wine and dine a trusted source within the club, this makes it FUNNY.

NOTHING to me is as PLEASURABLE as a FULL English in the CLIFTONVILLE whilst WAITING for my SAUCE to turn up and TODAY was no EXCEPTION.

"Waiting for my sauce to show up" is a play on words the word "sauce" has been kindly capitalised to make it clear that this the word of focus. The sentence has two meanings. One, is that Ernest likes a Full English breakfast in the Cliftonville while waiting for his trusted source on transfer gossip to show up. As a Full English breakfast in the Cliftonville is probably a bit shit, this makes it quite FUNNY.

The second meaning is that Ernest has to wait a long time for his tomato sauce to show up for his breakfast. The image of a sad skint Cliftonville punter sadly waiting for the sauce to go with his cheap and cheerful breakfast is FUNNY.

I asked HIM what the BIG news was and HE said it WAS unbelievable but Wayne BIRDGE was singing a SEASONS loan and would be ANNOUNCED later but it was 100% CAST iron DONE deal. I nearly FELL off my CHAIR in shock and I feel HONOURED that I am the FIRST to know all these SCOOPS in advance.

The character of Ernest regularly gets the names wrong of Albion players. In this case Wayne "Birdge" is clearly supposed to mean Wayne "Bridge". This is FUNNY because it fits in with his persona of a stupid Cliftonville regular. The loan deal to Brighton for Wayne Bridge from Man City happened weeks ago and is not a "scoop" at all. This is FUNNY.

BEFORE my SAUCE departed into the THRONGING masses of GEORGE Street I asked him the latest NEWS on VINCENTELOT and my SAUCE said it was COMPLICATED.

"The thronging masses of George Street" is FUNNY because George Street is actually a slightly busy pedestrianised shopping area in Hove and not "thronging" at all. VINCENTELOT is an extraordinarily FUNNY play on words involving two Albion players with similar names. The confused Ernest character has mixed these two players up in his mind and thinks they are some kind of Gestalt entity known as VINCENTELOT. This is very, very FUNNY.

Apparantly what HAD upset Mr V was that he was in MARBELLER and in his 5* hotel and some OLD English bloke with a GOATEY beard and his SUNGLASSES on a piece of STRING on the SUNBED next to him STARTED boasting how he was the CHAIRMAN of a football club and HOW he had used the money from the 1983 FA Cup Final and the PROCEEDS of the sale of BOBBY Zamora to QPR to fund his LIFESTYLE in the COSTA del Sol. Vincentelot then REALISED with horror that this was the potless pillock Dick Tight WHO he had been WARNED about and Vincentelot GOT onto his agent to TELL the Albion he WOULDN'T return UNTIL the TINPOT twat had been REMOVED from the club including that manky bar NAMED after him.

"some OLD English bloke with a GOATEY beard and his SUNGLASSES on a piece of STRING on the SUNBED next to him STARTED boasting how he was the CHAIRMAN of a football club" This is an Ernest reference to the ex-chairman of Brighton Dick Knight, who most supporters recognise as a man who did a lot of fine work with regards to saving the club from the hands of Archer and Bellotti, but ultimately didn't have the finances to take the club forward. The character of Ernest refers to our ex-chairman as Dick "Tight", a play on words based on the fact Mr Knight didn't have bottomless pits of money and as such ran the club with a pretty tight purse. The Ernest character is obviously deluded with the idea that every chairman of a football club should be a rich oligarch who thinks nothing about throwing away millions on dodgy transfers. This is FUNNY.

and HOW he had used the money from the 1983 FA Cup Final and the PROCEEDS of the sale of BOBBY Zamora to QPR to fund his LIFESTYLE in the COSTA del Sol.

Mr Knight wasn't in charge of the club in 1983 and Bobby Zamora was in fact sold to Tottenham. Both of these mistakes help keep up Ernest's thick, deluded, Cliftonville regular persona. This is FUNNY.

Vincentelot then REALISED with horror that this was the potless pillock Dick Tight WHO he had been WARNED about and Vincentelot GOT onto his agent to TELL the Albion he WOULDN'T return UNTIL the TINPOT twat had been REMOVED from the club including that manky bar NAMED after him.

The absurd idea that Vicente might not return to play for The Albion due to the AMEX bar being named after our former chairman is FUNNY.

There was some FRANTIC talks until it was all RESOLVED and the good news is that from the FIRST home game Dicks BAR is NO more and is now 'ERNESTO'S'

"ERNESTO'S" is a FUNNY name for the AMEX bar based on the "Spanishification" of the character's own name.

and is a SPANISH tappers bar SERVING pieller and SANGREER

tappers is a slightly funny mis-spelling of TAPAS and SANGREER is a very FUNNY play on words mixing the Spanish drink of Sangria with our defender Gordon Greer.

and NONE of that Harveys PISS water and the entertainment WILL not be ATILLA and his LICKERS thinking it is STILL 1977 but FLAMINGO music and TRADITIONAL Spanish DANCING.

The reference to Harvey's being "piss water" and Atilla and his lickers is a pop at a well established NSC clique who are quite close to the club and quite partial to a pint of Harvey's pale ale. Having a little tongue in cheek pop at these guys is FUNNY. FLAMINGO music is an extremely funny play on words mixing up the bird "flamingo" with the Spanish dance "flamenco" and conjures up an image of Ernesto's being full of people drinking Sangria and dancing with flamingos. This is pant-wettingly FUNNY.

VINCENTELOT now is TOTALLY focussed on the NEW season and with his amigo's BURNO and INDIGO has promised to BANG in a hat TRICK against CARDIFF and will CELEBRATE by DIVING into the FAMILY stand to HUG his number ONE supporter.

BURNO and INDIGO are FUNNY mis-spellings of our other two Spanish players and the image of Vicente jumping in to the home crowd to hug Ernest personally is FUNNY.


Hope this clears up which parts of the OP that you should be finding FUNNY.

 

[Mackenzie]

Ok.......

The OP has created a character, called Ernest, who regularly meets a trusted source for transfer (and other) gossip in The Cliftonville. As The Cliftonville is a cheap and cheerful Wetherspoon's pub full of sad skint alcoholics and quite the last place you would want to meet to wine and dine a trusted source within the club, this makes it FUNNY.



"Waiting for my sauce to show up" is a play on words the word "sauce" has been kindly capitalised to make it clear that this the word of focus. The sentence has two meanings. One, is that Ernest likes a Full English breakfast in the Cliftonville while waiting for his trusted source on transfer gossip to show up. As a Full English breakfast in the Cliftonville is probably a bit shit, this makes it quite FUNNY.

The second meaning is that Ernest has to wait a long time for his tomato sauce to show up for his breakfast. The image of a sad skint Cliftonville punter sadly waiting for the sauce to go with his cheap and cheerful breakfast is FUNNY.



The character of Ernest regularly gets the names wrong of Albion players. In this case Wayne "Birdge" is clearly supposed to mean Wayne "Bridge". This is FUNNY because it fits in with his persona of a stupid Cliftonville regular. The loan deal to Brighton for Wayne Bridge from Man City happened weeks ago and is not a "scoop" at all. This is FUNNY.



"The thronging masses of George Street" is FUNNY because George Street is actually a slightly busy pedestrianised shopping area in Hove and not "thronging" at all. VINCENTELOT is an extraordinarily FUNNY play on words involving two Albion players with similar names. The confused Ernest character has mixed these two players up in his mind and thinks they are some kind of Gestalt entity known as VINCENTELOT. This is very, very FUNNY.



"some OLD English bloke with a GOATEY beard and his SUNGLASSES on a piece of STRING on the SUNBED next to him STARTED boasting how he was the CHAIRMAN of a football club" This is an Ernest reference to the ex-chairman of Brighton Dick Knight, who most supporters recognise as a man who did a lot of fine work with regards to saving the club from the hands of Archer and Bellotti, but ultimately didn't have the finances to take the club forward. The character of Ernest refers to our ex-chairman as Dick "Tight", a play on words based on the fact Mr Knight didn't have bottomless pits of money and as such ran the club with a pretty tight purse. The Ernest character is obviously deluded with the idea that every chairman of a football club should be a rich oligarch who thinks nothing about throwing away millions on dodgy transfers. This is FUNNY.



Mr Knight wasn't in charge of the club in 1983 and Bobby Zamora was in fact sold to Tottenham. Both of these mistakes help keep up Ernest's thick, deluded, Cliftonville regular persona. This is FUNNY.



The absurd idea that Vicente might not return to play for The Albion due to the AMEX bar being named after our former chairman is FUNNY.



"ERNESTO'S" is a FUNNY name for the AMEX bar based on the "Spanishification" of the character's own name.



tappers is a slightly funny mis-spelling of TAPAS and SANGREER is a very FUNNY play on words mixing the Spanish drink of Sangria with our defender Gordon Greer.



The reference to Harvey's being "piss water" and Atilla and his lickers is a pop at a well established NSC clique who are quite close to the club and quite partial to a pint of Harvey's pale ale. Having a little tongue in cheek pop at these guys is FUNNY. FLAMINGO music is an extremely funny play on words mixing up the bird "flamingo" with the Spanish dance "flamenco" and conjures up an image of Ernesto's being full of people drinking Sangria and dancing with flamingos. This is pant-wettingly FUNNY.



BURNO and INDIGO are FUNNY mis-spellings of our other two Spanish players and the image of Vicente jumping in to the home crowd to hug Ernest personally is FUNNY.


Hope this clears up which parts of the OP that you should be finding FUNNY.

Would you mind running through those few points again.

 

[Hillian1]

Ok.......

The OP has created a character, called Ernest, who regularly meets a trusted source for transfer (and other) gossip in The Cliftonville. As The Cliftonville is a cheap and cheerful Wetherspoon's pub full of sad skint alcoholics and quite the last place you would want to meet to wine and dine a trusted source within the club, this makes it FUNNY.



"Waiting for my sauce to show up" is a play on words the word "sauce" has been kindly capitalised to make it clear that this the word of focus. The sentence has two meanings. One, is that Ernest likes a Full English breakfast in the Cliftonville while waiting for his trusted source on transfer gossip to show up. As a Full English breakfast in the Cliftonville is probably a bit shit, this makes it quite FUNNY.

The second meaning is that Ernest has to wait a long time for his tomato sauce to show up for his breakfast. The image of a sad skint Cliftonville punter sadly waiting for the sauce to go with his cheap and cheerful breakfast is FUNNY.



The character of Ernest regularly gets the names wrong of Albion players. In this case Wayne "Birdge" is clearly supposed to mean Wayne "Bridge". This is FUNNY because it fits in with his persona of a stupid Cliftonville regular. The loan deal to Brighton for Wayne Bridge from Man City happened weeks ago and is not a "scoop" at all. This is FUNNY.



"The thronging masses of George Street" is FUNNY because George Street is actually a slightly busy pedestrianised shopping area in Hove and not "thronging" at all. VINCENTELOT is an extraordinarily FUNNY play on words involving two Albion players with similar names. The confused Ernest character has mixed these two players up in his mind and thinks they are some kind of Gestalt entity known as VINCENTELOT. This is very, very FUNNY.



"some OLD English bloke with a GOATEY beard and his SUNGLASSES on a piece of STRING on the SUNBED next to him STARTED boasting how he was the CHAIRMAN of a football club" This is an Ernest reference to the ex-chairman of Brighton Dick Knight, who most supporters recognise as a man who did a lot of fine work with regards to saving the club from the hands of Archer and Bellotti, but ultimately didn't have the finances to take the club forward. The character of Ernest refers to our ex-chairman as Dick "Tight", a play on words based on the fact Mr Knight didn't have bottomless pits of money and as such ran the club with a pretty tight purse. The Ernest character is obviously deluded with the idea that every chairman of a football club should be a rich oligarch who thinks nothing about throwing away millions on dodgy transfers. This is FUNNY.



Mr Knight wasn't in charge of the club in 1983 and Bobby Zamora was in fact sold to Tottenham. Both of these mistakes help keep up Ernest's thick, deluded, Cliftonville regular persona. This is FUNNY.



The absurd idea that Vicente might not return to play for The Albion due to the AMEX bar being named after our former chairman is FUNNY.



"ERNESTO'S" is a FUNNY name for the AMEX bar based on the "Spanishification" of the character's own name.



tappers is a slightly funny mis-spelling of TAPAS and SANGREER is a very FUNNY play on words mixing the Spanish drink of Sangria with our defender Gordon Greer.



The reference to Harvey's being "piss water" and Atilla and his lickers is a pop at a well established NSC clique who are quite close to the club and quite partial to a pint of Harvey's pale ale. Having a little tongue in cheek pop at these guys is FUNNY. FLAMINGO music is an extremely funny play on words mixing up the bird "flamingo" with the Spanish dance "flamenco" and conjures up an image of Ernesto's being full of people drinking Sangria and dancing with flamingos. This is pant-wettingly FUNNY.



BURNO and INDIGO are FUNNY mis-spellings of our other two Spanish players and the image of Vicente jumping in to the home crowd to hug Ernest personally is FUNNY.


Hope this clears up which parts of the OP that you should be finding FUNNY.

You absolute bastard, I thought it was ALL real. Reading your post reminds me of how I felt when I found out Santa Clause was not a real person.

i hope you're happy.

 

[Mental Lental]

You absolute bastard, I thought it was ALL real. Reading your post reminds me of how I felt when I found out Santa Clause was not a real person.

i hope you're happy.

I'm sorry! Many posters were asking for an explanation as to why Ernest is FUNNY. I felt the urge to explain.

 

[Greg Bobkin]

You absolute bastard, I thought it was ALL real. Reading your post reminds me of how I felt when I found out Santa Clause was not a real person.

i hope you're happy.

But HE is real. Isn't he SINGING from Man City, following BIRDGE, imminently?