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Man went to the doctor
- Thread starter Questions
- Start date
Don Quixote
Well-known member
- Nov 4, 2008
- 8,362
is that the worst joke i have ever heard? No this is:
what is red and can't get through corridors?
A baby with a harpoon through it's head!
HAHAHAHAHAH! how do i do it?!
what is red and can't get through corridors?
A baby with a harpoon through it's head!
HAHAHAHAHAH! how do i do it?!
NMH
Banned
Definition of agony - teethmarks on the toilet door.
the old ones are always the best, what?
the old ones are always the best, what?
dougdeep
New member
What's green, has 6 legs and will kill you if it falls onto you from a tree?
A snooker table.
A snooker table.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other: 'how the hell do you drive these f***ing things?'
Man "Doctor Doctor, There's a lettuce sticking out of my arse"
Doctor "It's just the tip of the iceberg"
Doctor "It's just the tip of the iceberg"
Nemesis
SERIOUSLY!
Damn was I drunk the other night-went down on this woman I met in the pub, fell asleep drunk and woke up in the morning with a lump in my throat...and a bit of string hanging out of the corner of my mouth.
The old ones aren't always the best...
The old ones aren't always the best...
Zesh Rehman
New member
that was f***ing shit
Shizuoka Dolphin
NSC M0DERATOR
Superphil
Dismember
What do you call a Fish with no eyes...
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.
.
.
Fsh
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.
Fsh
Gully
Monkey in a seagull suit.
....or a pig with four eyes?
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.
.
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.
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piiiig!
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piiiig!
"Doctor I think I'm Tom Jones"
Doctor "It's not unusual"
Doctor "It's not unusual"
Trufflehound
Re-enfranchised
...or a deer with no eyes?
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No idea.
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No idea.
jevs
Well-known member
Man goes to the doctors with a strawberry growing on his head....
"Can you help me" the man asks
Doctor replies "i'll get you some cream to put on it"
"Can you help me" the man asks
Doctor replies "i'll get you some cream to put on it"
I think these are taken from Tim Vine's act...not sure, apologies if you've seen them.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
smudge
Up the Albion!
Man goes to the Doctor & says "Doctor, I keep thinking I can see into the future".
Doctor asks, "When did the symptoms start?"
Man replies, "Next Wednesday!"
Doctor asks, "When did the symptoms start?"
Man replies, "Next Wednesday!"
Paxton Dazo
Up The Spurs.
- Mar 11, 2007
- 9,719
Doctor, Doctor..i only have 59 seconds to live...
"Ok, i'll be with you in a minute"
"Ok, i'll be with you in a minute"
Twinkle Toes
Growing old disgracefully
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'!
'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'!
'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.