Limericks

[Martinf]

There was a young man called Ghandi
Who went to the pub for shandy
He used his loin cloth
To wipe off the froth
And the barman said: "Blimey, that's handy!"

 

[Bwian]

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ear was a cunt I would f*** it".

 

[Horses Arse]

there was a young man from China
who wasn't a very good climber
he slipped on a rock,
smashed his cock
and now he's got a vagina!

 

[Muhammed - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

there was a young man from dundee
who got stung on the neck by a wasp
when asked 'did it hurt'
he said 'no, not much'
'it can do it again if it likes'

 

[siclean]

there was a young man from dundee
who got stung on the neck by a wasp
when asked 'did it hurt'
he said 'no, not much'
'it can do it again if it likes'

hi dave ..hows it going..you going southampton ...good crack on train awaits

 

[Martinf]

there was a young man from dundee
who got stung on the neck by a wasp
when asked 'did it hurt'
he said 'no, not much'
'it can do it again if it likes'

This is the best one yet. Are you pissed Guinness?

 

[withdeanwombat]

There once was a women from Taunton
Who had one big tit and one shorten
But to make up for that
She had a ruddy great crack
And a fart like a 650 Norton

Oi ! You leave my girlfriend out of this.

 

[withdeanwombat]

There was an old man from Darjeeling
Who got on a bus to Ealing.
It said on the door
Don't spit on the floor
So he got up and spat on the ceiling.

Another old man came from Cosham
Who took out his false teeth to wash 'em
His wife said "Jack
If you don't put 'em back
I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em".

 

[Albalbion]

there was a young man from dundee
who got stung on the neck by a wasp
when asked 'did it hurt'
he said 'no, not much'
'it can do it again if it likes'

seagull, thats quality

 

[Lord Bracknell]

There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One man was so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There was a young lady of Bude
Who went for a swim in a lake.
A man in a punt
Stuck his oar in her earhole
And said "You can't swim here, it's private".

 

[Cian]

There was a young lady of Bude
Who went for a swim in a lake.
A man in a punt
Stuck his oar in her earhole
And said "You can't swim here, it's private".

This one requires FAR too much thinking for 3am, Lord B...

 

[Porky]

There was a young man from Ghent,
Whose Dick was exceedingly bent.
To save himself trouble,
He bent it up double,
But instead of comming, he went.

 

[Porky]

There was a young Lady from Hitchin,
Who was scratching her Puss in the kitchen.
Her Mother said "Rose,
Pox I suppose",
She said "Bollocks,get on with yer knitting"

 

[mindyjaja]

There was a young lady from Stroud
Who got f**ked by a gent in a crowd
The man in front said "I smell c**t!"
Just like that, not too loud

There was a young lady from Leith
who rolled foreskins with her teeth
It wasn't for pleasure
She was after the treasure
The cheese that lay beneath

There was a young lady from Aberystwyth
And tales of the man she played whist with
She was willing and able
And under the table
She tickled the thing that he pissed with

 

[withdeanwombat]

You've all missed the vicar from Birmingham
Who raped girls instead of confirming 'em
To tremendous applause
He would rip off their drawers
And inject his episcopal sperm in 'em.

 

[sydney]

ahh brings back memories of the " posh spice is a slapper thread"

there once was a brass from berlin
who had a gigantic qwuim
it wasn't the size that attracted the flies
but the jelly that stuck to the rimm

 

[GT49er]

A gay man who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian back to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, with what, to whom.

There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When asked if they rhymed,
He replied, "Every time"...


But always have to try and squeeze as many words in the last line as I possibly can.

..and one last golden oldie from the memory banks -

There was a young lady from Ryde
Who ate a green apple and died
The apple fermented
Inside the lamented -
Made cider inside 'er inside.

 

[withdeanwombat]

WELL.......if it's antiques you want.................


There was a young man from the manor
Who'd do any trick for a tanner*
His favourite trick
Was to stand on his dick
And tighten his balls with a spanner.

(*sixpence in the old money,2.5 new pence.Said it was antique.)