How to bath a cat

[Icy Gull]

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely,

The dog

 

[Lady Whistledown]

 

[Locky]

Excellent

 

[MikeySmall]

Surely that should be for dogs??

 

[Wozza]

Talking of cats...

 

[Brovion]

Actually that makes a lot of sense. I think I'll try it tonight. Cheers Icy!

 

[Italiaseagull]

 

[Reading Posh]

And in a similar vein:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.


INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR DOG A PILL

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

 

[Brixtaan]

i've copied both those to my girlfriend who has two.

Do you have methods to take a cat to the vets via London underground?

 

[Theatre of Trees]

Don't under any circumstances say you are going to Barking.

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

theyre the funniest things ive read for days!!

 

[Hunting 784561]

Don't under any circumstances say you are going to Barking.

...via the Isle of Dogs

 

[looney]

kittens flush though.

 

[The Large One]

Is Catford OK?

Personally, I would stand in the shower, pick the cat up by the tail and swing it around. Provided there is enough room to swing it, of course.

 

[Braders]

METHOD FOR DRYING CAT
1. open microwave door
2. take dvd out
3. insert cat
4. shut microwave door
5. chose 20 seconds








(joke)
as if i would

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

METHOD FOR DRYING CAT

2. take dvd out

 

[Yorkie]

I've got 3 cats

Perhaps a jacuzzi to save time?

 

[Captain Pugwash]

bathing my cat 2night

 

[bhaexpress]

How do you make a cat bark ?

Pour a can of petrol over it

Throw on a lighted match and it goes ........





WOOF !!!!!

 

[NMH]

kittens flush though.

I'll try that next time some stupid arsehole slapper tries giving me one as a 'love token' (like my ex-fiance did without asking me before she killed it when she folded up the sofabed and crushed its' skull)