blue'n'white
Well-known member
This is one of the best pieces of writing about Christmas i have read in a long while. I laughed . . .lots !!
At this time of year, in the gap between Christmas and new year that we fill with liqueur chocolates, bracing walks and instalments of that DVD box set you got (“All of television! On a billion discs!”), it’s worth reflecting on some of mankind’s greatest technological achievements. And then wondering just how that technology got inside a 6ft festive snow globe that now sits in a neighbour’s front garden looking inexplicably cheerless. How did that conversation in the lab go?
“What shall we do today? Shall we invent a time travel device, find a cure for cancer or come up with some sort of animated globule with a Santa in it that will look stupid outside people’s houses at Christmas?”
“Ooh. Ooh. The third one. I’ll fetch the tinsel.”
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind a Christmas light or two. I’d happily slow down to look at a tasteful white glow here or a splash of tree in a window there, but the ones I’m talking about are those that cling onto the front of people’s houses like flashing, electricity-sucking leeches. You know the ones. You’re driving along of an evening and then suddenly, as you round a corner, it’s like someone’s opened the gates of hell during Satan’s office Christmas party and let the contents pour forth all over the brickwork of a drab semi.
There’s a village near where I live that at this time of year can be seen from space. I firmly believe the residents have had a competition to see whose house can be made the most distracting to passing air traffic. Honestly, it’s like everyone’s rushed down to the remains of Woolworths, gathered up armfuls of anything that glitters, rammed it all down a shoulder-mounted missile launcher and then fired the whole lot at their dwellings like a gaudy bomb.
This year, I’ve noticed that it’s not just reindeer and flashing Merry Xmas signs either. For some reason, there are now various lit-up depictions of Santa using modes of transport with which he’s not normally associated; Santa in a hot air balloon, for example, Santa riding in a train and Santa on a bike.
In exactly what version of the story of St Nicholas did he bring presents on a bike? Is it because he’s trying to set a green example? It simply makes no practical sense because a train, bike or balloon just wouldn’t be able to cope with the rigorous demands of travelling round the world in one night in the same way as a mystical sleigh. Santa would optimistically board the west coast main line with his sack of presents and then get only as far as Nuneaton before he had to pick up the replacement sled service because of engineering works.
Another “decoration” I saw was bolted to a bungalow and had Father Christmas going up and down a flashing ladder. Duh. Santa doesn’t need a ladder. For one thing, he’s magic and for another – it’s a bungalow. All Santa would need to do is stand on the wheelie bin.
Oh, and while I’m being curmudgeonly, can people never send me another round robin, please? Not ever. In the run-up to Christmas we’ve had six. “It’s been a busy year for the Smith family. In August, Samantha, our youngest, got 10 A*s at A-level. Not bad for a two-year-old. William, our middle one, swam the Channel, while James, who turned 10 in October, became the first person to unicycle in space.”
Next year, why not show off by draping your children in lights and gluing them to the side of your house, clutching their exam certificates? That would kill two birds with one stone. Oh, yes. I almost forgot – happy new year.
Give that man a knighthood !!
At this time of year, in the gap between Christmas and new year that we fill with liqueur chocolates, bracing walks and instalments of that DVD box set you got (“All of television! On a billion discs!”), it’s worth reflecting on some of mankind’s greatest technological achievements. And then wondering just how that technology got inside a 6ft festive snow globe that now sits in a neighbour’s front garden looking inexplicably cheerless. How did that conversation in the lab go?
“What shall we do today? Shall we invent a time travel device, find a cure for cancer or come up with some sort of animated globule with a Santa in it that will look stupid outside people’s houses at Christmas?”
“Ooh. Ooh. The third one. I’ll fetch the tinsel.”
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind a Christmas light or two. I’d happily slow down to look at a tasteful white glow here or a splash of tree in a window there, but the ones I’m talking about are those that cling onto the front of people’s houses like flashing, electricity-sucking leeches. You know the ones. You’re driving along of an evening and then suddenly, as you round a corner, it’s like someone’s opened the gates of hell during Satan’s office Christmas party and let the contents pour forth all over the brickwork of a drab semi.
There’s a village near where I live that at this time of year can be seen from space. I firmly believe the residents have had a competition to see whose house can be made the most distracting to passing air traffic. Honestly, it’s like everyone’s rushed down to the remains of Woolworths, gathered up armfuls of anything that glitters, rammed it all down a shoulder-mounted missile launcher and then fired the whole lot at their dwellings like a gaudy bomb.
This year, I’ve noticed that it’s not just reindeer and flashing Merry Xmas signs either. For some reason, there are now various lit-up depictions of Santa using modes of transport with which he’s not normally associated; Santa in a hot air balloon, for example, Santa riding in a train and Santa on a bike.
In exactly what version of the story of St Nicholas did he bring presents on a bike? Is it because he’s trying to set a green example? It simply makes no practical sense because a train, bike or balloon just wouldn’t be able to cope with the rigorous demands of travelling round the world in one night in the same way as a mystical sleigh. Santa would optimistically board the west coast main line with his sack of presents and then get only as far as Nuneaton before he had to pick up the replacement sled service because of engineering works.
Another “decoration” I saw was bolted to a bungalow and had Father Christmas going up and down a flashing ladder. Duh. Santa doesn’t need a ladder. For one thing, he’s magic and for another – it’s a bungalow. All Santa would need to do is stand on the wheelie bin.
Oh, and while I’m being curmudgeonly, can people never send me another round robin, please? Not ever. In the run-up to Christmas we’ve had six. “It’s been a busy year for the Smith family. In August, Samantha, our youngest, got 10 A*s at A-level. Not bad for a two-year-old. William, our middle one, swam the Channel, while James, who turned 10 in October, became the first person to unicycle in space.”
Next year, why not show off by draping your children in lights and gluing them to the side of your house, clutching their exam certificates? That would kill two birds with one stone. Oh, yes. I almost forgot – happy new year.
Give that man a knighthood !!
