Following on from TLO's NSC History thread...

[Commander]

What is the best post ever on NSC? Enter your quotes here.


My personal favourite is:

I used to be a policeman. I had quite a relaxing job. Stern looks at apple-scrumpers and making kids clean their tags from the village's one bus-stop. There was that murder of the old post-master, i suppose, but that was driven by lust and the murderer hung herself, leaving a written admission of guilt on the chair from which she launched herself. Her neck was bleeding by the time i arrived and her eyelids bulged.
Anyway, i digress.
One late summer, i was asked to visit a Scottish island to investigate the disappearance of a local girl. Someone had read the article about my 99% successful arrest rate and decided i was the country's leading bobby. Little did they know. I arrived on a rickety boat that travelled once a day from the mainland. There was a cup on board to scoop out the sea-water that splashed and splooshed upon us as we huddled together for warmth and mutual arousal. Theyd put me up in an inn. I'd not stayed in one before. There were heads on the walls. Anything with antlers. The eyes followed me into bed and watched me as i slept. Like a fairy godmother moose who had designs on my body. I dreamt of a warthog that night. It chased me and made me pledge allegiance to the Emperor of Wild Pigs. I wore horns and an apron and swept the sty of one of his wives.
I awoke that next morning, a little damp from sweat, and ate a huge breakfast. Waffles. Eggs. Bacon. 3 slices of granary toast. Some sort of meat that looked like a snout. And many, many beans. It was served to me by a woman who seemed to only walk backwards. Not sure if her knees were the wrong way round or not. Her hands looked clean though, so i wasn't about to complain. I wiped my mouth on the brown curtain that separated the kitchen from the dining room. As the filthy fabric pulled to one side, i saw a donkey being pulled into what looked like a freezer. It wasn't happy and there appeared to be asparagus sticks in its nostrils.
I'm not the RSPCA, as you know, so i left it. I feel guilty, of course, but i like to think that the £2 a month i pay to a St Mallard's Mule Sanctuary goes some way to making amends for my inaction.

I met many people that day. A man so stricken by grief that he had refused to speak unless God or the Devil returned his wife to him in one piece. This was unlikely as she had been dismantled by a falling overhead fan. A fan her husband had intended to fix that day, just as he had everyday for the previous 6 months.



I've just bored myself with that and have no idea where i'm going with it. Sorry.
Hope everyone enjoys Halloween nonetheless.

Pure genius.

 

[Hoggy]

i can't be arsed to read all of that

 

[Commander]

i can't be arsed to read all of that

In which case you are missing out.

 

[Easy 10]

Too many to remember, but THIS one from Tom Hark Preston Park always stood out for me. From the (first) Public Inquiry.

Bats & Badgers

If there was ever a session that summed up the essential ENGLISHNESS of the Public Enquiry then this was it. As a spectacle, it was just perfect, a microcosm of everything quirky, eccentric and, yup, Pythonesque about the national character. Men in suits and ladies in cardies formally and politely discussing and minuting the mating habits of the common pipistrell, while Albion fans in assorted shapes, stripes and sizes sat bemused in the public gallery wondering what parallel universe they'd suddenly been teleported to. You HAD to be there.

First, the badger. There aren't any sets other than in the railway cuttings. So no impact there. Unless they get hit by a train of course...

Bats were more of a contentious issue. Three seperate surveys were carried out, two months apart. The NIMBYs defence bloke in the bad mullet took issue with the first survey which took place one evening in (I think) March and started 'at dusk' and ended at half-ten due to bad weather.
Bad Mullet asked what time 'dusk' was. Ecology Bloke said it was a standard term. Bad Mullet said yes, but what time. Ecology Bloke didn't know. They left it at that.

And then came the giggles, spreading like a Mexican wave through the public gallery. The question was asked, how are the bat investigations carried out? To which the answer is by visible inspection and by using a 'bat detector'. Oo-er, there was a lot of people in trouble at this point cos shoulders were shaking in unison, faces were going purple, your humble reporter was in tears. As he was when the phrase 'bat vehicle collision' burbled up at some point during a discussion on the implications of parking on the bat population. Some impact there, eh...

On the flora and fauna issue (is plants flora?) a well-fed bloke from the League Of Sussex Woodland Folk or whatever drew himself up to his full weight and asked what the implications would be of the proposal to plant three layers of ecologically-sound woodland plants and trees to replace the existing area which would be disturbed by the building. To which the bemused Ecology Bloke replied with words to the effect that there's nothing there at the moment worthy of the term woodland, it's being used as an unofficial car-park and whatever the proposal, er, proposes, it can only be of ecological benefit to the area. That shut him up quick.

Have to say I would have found the whole episode quite charming in a bumbling, parish-council kind of way, were it not for the fact that the club is being bled dry by the expenses involved in this theatre of the absurd. Superb entertainment mind...

Lovely stuff.

 

[Hoggy]

In which case you are missing out.

i fail to see the genius of it, it has a good build up but like many film these days a poor, if not rushed ending!

 

[Easy 10]

i fail to see the genius of it, it has a good build up but like many film these days a poor, if not rushed ending!

We are fortunate to have the unique, articulate and surreal majesty of Meades Balls posts on here. Don't take them for granted - you'd miss them if they were gone.

 

[Commander]

i fail to see the genius of it, it has a good build up but like many film these days a poor, if not rushed ending!

"I dreamt of a warthog that night. It chased me and made me pledge allegiance to the Emperor of Wild Pigs. I wore horns and an apron and swept the sty of one of his wives"

 

[watsongooal]

By a million miles Kevs trip to Falmer with his mum. Cant be arsed finding it tho

 

[The Large One]

By a million miles Kevs trip to Falmer with his mum. Cant be arsed finding it tho

It's in NSC Gold.

 

[Wilka]

This is mine.....

Ernest after the 1-0 win away to Palace last season:

Where are the Magoo OUT BOO boys today ?

Yes the silence is certainly deafening today from the cretins who have been demanding that Mark McGhee and Bob Booker be sacked.
In fact I may search through every post on NSC and publicly NAME and SHAME all these imbeciles who know NOTHING about football and could not SEE the TREMENDOUS job that Mark McGhee is doing for the ALBION.
Everyone knows that my ARS have always been 150% behind Mark McGhee and I believe it is the IDIOTS behind BISA that have been behind this SHAMEFUL campaign to have McGhee AXED.
Sane, sensible , reasonable FANS like me APPRECIATE the job that Mark McGhee has been doing under the very trying circumstances and the team he has put together with it's BLEND of tried and tested BRITISH bulldogs like Paul McShane and our foreign flair players made it so obvious that someone was going to get SPANKED big time and of course that someone was the Palace.
I hope and it will be UNFORGIVABLE if it doesn't happen but unlike the ARS boys in E block who do it every week but this time the whole of Withdean MUST give Mark McGhee a STANDING OVATION and a 30 minute deafening rendition of Mark McGhees blue and white army.

 

[Everest]

This has got to be in there somewhere, arise Mr Hiney.

Our daughter came home from school and said that one of her classmate's Mums told her to f*** off. They live acroSs the road from us so it's all ready to go off.

This woman has a history of slightly strange behaviour but Mrs Hiney's on the warpath and is NOT to be messed with

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

How did it end anyway?

 

[Theatre of Trees]

Can't quote mine as it's on one of the old boards that no longer exist, but A Day in the Life of Taffy was absolutely hilarious.

 

[watsongooal]

never told anyone this. but one monday morning me and my mum went to nimby land on a visit there with a our FALMER FOR ALL t-shirts on, we went past the field of dreams. then into the farm shop it was quite weird in there the women behind the counter look at us in a way i cant describe so we brought some eggs and then we went into nimbys village, and fed the ducks very delightful i kept singing we want falmer every time i saw a villager and they would just smile and walk away. and then we went over the bypass to their headquarters the swan pub and luckily the barman wasnt in there and a pleasant young lady served us and we just sat there minding our own business with our shirts on. after this we went over the bypass again and we saw plans for the stadium one in black and white outside a village house and the other outside the farm shop. we went back into the farm shop and we got some chicken stuff for them to eat and then we fed the chickens and they where lovely.

so anyone who wants to walk around falmer with their falmer for all T-shirts on then do it you will love it

 

[SussexSpur]

and then we went into nimbys village, and fed the ducks very delightful i kept singing we want falmer every time i saw a villager and they would just smile and walk away.

Lovely stuff.