EastEnders tonight....

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

I heard a rumour that Pat's gonna buy Minty's half of the car lot in exchange for Phil's half of the pub but Jack wants to buy it but first needs to sell his 30% in the nightclub and launderette but Ronnie has to raise the cash by selling the youth club only once Janine owns the car lot she's gonna buy off Dot and.......... SNORE

 

[pasty]

Phil "I'm well hard" Mitchell will take up Ian Beales offer of money, then Ian will turf all the Mitchells out of the pub on Christmas Day. This will spell the end of Peggy who will die from a heart attack in the middle of a screaming fit at Ian. Phil will then avenge his mothers death by revealing Grant is upstairs having been in the shower for the past 4 years, and calling him down to beat the living crap out of Ian.

 

[Insel affe]

Grant is upstairs having been in the shower for the past 4 years, and calling him down to beat the living crap out of Ian.

You forgot that Grant & Phil flush Ians head down the bog

 

[Lady Whistledown]

I'm thinking that Mick Shipman, having cunningly plotted to spend Christmas Day between Billericay, Barry Island and Albert Square is dramatically smothered to death between the gigantic breasts of that blonde barmaid who was in it a lot last night, whereby her and Peggy hatch a plan to dispose of his cold but smiling corpse underneath the Square before Pamela, Gavin and Smithy, having rumbled Mick's affair, descend upon the pub for a mammoth game of "ERE! WOS' GOIN' ON?" with the Mitchells.

Unfortunately for Peggy and Funbags, their brilliant plan to bury Mick- with not a soul witnessing the deed- under the tree goes awry when they dig down a few centimetres and find a mysterious rolled up carpet tied with string.

Then it starts to snow.

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

Isn't a Taxi usually involved at Christmas.

I thought burying a body (wrapped up in a carpet) in the middle of the square when a party was going on in the pub was genius. And he did such a neat job as well.

 

[Insel affe]

And he did such a neat job as well.

aaaahhhh but he had a smudge of dirt on his crisp clean white shirt when he got back for his howsyafarther scooby snacks

 

[Lady Whistledown]

To be honest, people disposing of bodies on TV are always useless at it.

In fact, most of the people in real life who do it are too. Most dumped bodies are found within hours, or days, of disposal aren't they? Always by a dog walker (don't call the police if a loved one goes missing: simply mobilise all your local canines).

I don't want to sound like I've thought about this too deeply but I reckon if I had to roll up one of you lot in a carpet and get rid, I could find somewhere much better, and with significantly less chance of getting caught.

 

[Insel affe]

To be honest, people disposing of bodies on TV are always useless at it.

In fact, most of the people in real life who do it are too. Most dumped bodies are found within hours, or days, of disposal aren't they? Always by a dog walker (don't call the police if a loved one goes missing: simply mobilise all your local canines).

I don't want to sound like I've thought about this too deeply but I reckon if I had to roll up one of you lot in a carpet and get rid, I could find somewhere much better, and with significantly less chance of getting caught.

Its your job to think like that is it not Edna

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

That would be a good thread - where would Edna bury the body ?

 

[Lady Whistledown]

Its your job to think like that is it not Edna

Yes, yes that's exactly what I meant

They're nearly always found fairly close to roads, as your average corpse is too heavy for a lone person to carry far from a car. They're usually found by dog walkers because even murderers stick to areas they know and can find (and get in and out of easily), which are thus equally likely to be used by other people. And they're rarely buried very well because carrying a shovel and dragging a rolled up carpet three miles into a patch of woodland tends to attract attention.

I reckon a motorway embankment is your best bet surely. Nobody goes walking along them, they rarely get cleared of scrub, it's handy for transport links, and anyone passing will (a) be doing 70mph and (b) assume you've broken down. Lucas: you have a lot to learn, my son.



Now if you'll excuse me: I have a Ford Escort van to deep clean.

Ahem

 

[Gazwag]

I heard a rumour that Pat's gonna shag Minty's half brother in the car lot in exchange for Phil's Jacking me off but first needs to sell his son for 30% of the nightclub and launderette but Ronnie has to raise the cash by selling herself in the youth club only once Janine owns the car lot she's gonna suck off Dot and.......... SNORE

That's much more like a Danny Seagull post now