Common everyday misconceptions that drive you mad

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Number 1) If you like football, you must be good at playing it: According to most people I know, just because I can name the 4 Champions League qualifiers from the EPL last season, I must be some kind of footballing god incarnate. My colleagues recently nearly choked on their Man United waterbottles during the second minute of a 5 a side kick about (it's just for fun, don't you know) when I collapsed to the floor and turned a deep shade of mauve.... "Oh wow you're awful.... but I thought you liked football?? Why can't you play better?" Now if only being able to name all FA Cup Winners from circa 1952 gave me a new pair of knees or returned me to fitness levels before I discovered £1.50 a drink night at my regular haunt, maybe we could finally abandon the NHS.

2) (This applies to you womenfolk) If I'm quiet, I'm in a bad mood. No, maybe I just have nothing to say. Not plotting how I'm going to stab you through the pulmonary arteries with a screwdriver anytime soon. Although if you keep asking me, I may reconsider.

3) If you don't understand modern art, you're an ignorant, ill-educated dinosaur. No it's just shit.

4) If you've been silly enough to drop a bit of food down the front of your clothing, you already feel a bit of a tit. So why oh why do people assume I Haven't noticed and feel the need to point it out. Not just one or two, but everyone. Ooh I'm sorry, is this morning's broccoli and salmon quiche going to sprout legs, jump off my shirt and violently attack you then? You FUCKERS.

 

[Questions]

When women say no and then you have to drug them when all along they obviously meant yes.

 

[pasty]

Because I work on a computer all day, every day people automatically assume I can fix their computer.

I'm a data programmer ffs, I HATE I.T. with a passion and generally know f*** all about how computers work.

 

[Danny-Boy]

5) People who come to me and tell me my shoe-laces are undone.

Am I bovvered? And if I break them then they'll be too short to trip over next time.

6) People who say in a kind of chant "Are you alright"? That ought to be a plea in mitigation of assault.

Was Michael Barrymore "Alwight"?

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Because I work on a computer all day, every day people automatically assume I can fix their computer.

I'm a data programmer ffs, I HATE I.T. with a passion and generally know f*** all about how computers work.

Yes, when meeting girlfriends dads for the first time they always start bleating on about formula one and their cars engine on the basis of erm, I'm male. Even when I'm quite clearly struggling to reciprocate the conversation with polite "Hmm...a-ha.....yes" and the like, they still have to continue to bore me to a comatose like state with tales of their fuel injected turbines.

 

[The Grockle]

If you find slender women attractive you are in the minority and only fancy them because the media has brainwashed you.

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

5) People who come to me and tell me my shoe-laces are undone.

Am I bovvered? And if I break them then they'll be too short to trip over next time.

YES! I had some mentalist CHASE me down St James St the other day patting me on the shoulder shouting EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME?? He scared the living soul out of me man. "YES? WHAT? WHERE'S THE FIRE??"
"Your shoelace is undone"
He then stood and WATCHED to make sure I bent down and tied them up. I felt humiliated and sordid.


And yes the possible motive of some strange old man getting me to bend over in St James St was very apparent to me.

 

[pasty]

Because I come from Brighton, wear pink shirts occasionally, and refer to Mrs P as "my partner" because we're not actually married, people in my office in London assume I'm gay.



*My Freddie Mercury tattoo doesn't help much either mind

 

[turienzo's lovechild]

the football one is interesting

i mean, no-one expects you to be a musical genius if you like listening to music do they?

 

[Danny-Boy]

YES! I had some mentalist CHASE me down St James St the other day patting me on the shoulder shouting EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME?? He scared the living soul out of me man. "YES? WHAT? WHERE'S THE FIRE??"
"Your shoelace is undone"
He then stood and WATCHED to make sure I bent down and tied them up. I felt humiliated and sordid.


And yes the possible motive of some strange old man getting me to bend over in St James St was very apparent to me.

My sympathies..sounds like that trick in the gay bar of sticking a pound coin on the ground (allegedly).

 

[Danny-Boy]

Because I come from Brighton, wear pink shirts occasionally, and refer to Mrs P as "my partner" because we're not actually married, people in my office in London assume I'm gay.



*My Freddie Mercury tattoo doesn't help much either mind

Is it on your arse? Then you have SERIOUS explaining to do. Especially with the signature underneath...

 

[Garage_Doors]

Why is because i have a full equipped garage for my own use and pleasure (i do actually like plaything with mechanical things ) "mates" assume i actually want to repair their bikes or cars.

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Black men have big willies - I call bullshit.

I got a peek at my Senagalese mate's meat and two veg at the urinals last night. It looked like a burnt toadstool.

 

[hillbilly]

A cracker here from work. 2 of us are season tickets holders, but his is at Arsenal.
So a chap from work said the Arsenal fan knows more about football than I do! Fair play to the Arsenal fan, who corrected him and spoke about some of the Arsenal fans around him who clearly did not understand the game.

 

[pasty]

A cracker here from work. 2 of us are season tickets holders, but his is at Arsenal.
So a chap from work said the Arsenal fan knows more about football than I do! Fair play to the Arsenal fan, who corrected him and spoke about some of the Arsenal fans around him who clearly did not understand the game.

Oh God yeah - that and the "Well okay you support Brighton but you must surely support a big club as well though"

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Oh God yeah - that and the "Well okay you support Brighton but you must surely support a big club as well though"

"No seriously though - what Premiership team? So is that why you're not very good at football? And there's a stain on your Brighton shirt"

 

[Rookie]

Oh God yeah - that and the "Well okay you support Brighton but you must surely support a big club as well though"

Does my nut, 'so who is your premiership team?'

 

[upthealbion1970]

i used to manage a tyre/exhaust place and because to jo public it was a "garage" obviously we did everything from bodywork to ofering a courtesy car, and when politely informed that we did not do bodywork etc - "who does it and how much will it cost" :US:

 

[upthealbion1970]

but the one misconception that really pisses me right off is this - my 25 yr old mrs suffers with relapse remitting and secondary progressive MS and her legs are pretty much f***ed so she has a mobility scooter through motability so she can still keep some independance, and the number of people (ALL ages) that give her shit because "you're too young for one of those" never ceases to amaze me.

 

[Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon]

Just because Great Uncle Alf won the World Cup in 1966 people think I can get them Geoff Hurst's autograph.

I keep telling them that if they want it they can normally find him selling them for £5 outside Argos in Southend every weekend, but they just ignore me and ask can me what I was doing on the day of the match. I'm 24 FFS.