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Best Man Speech
- Thread starter Bez
- Start date
aftershavedave
Well-known member
i'm sure if you google it there is a website dedicated to this subject, can't remember its name though
Man of Harveys
Well-known member
1. Make sure everyone is drunk
2. Don't be too rude about the bride (although I was - didn't like her very much at all, they're now divorced)
3. Don't drink beforehand
2. Don't be too rude about the bride (although I was - didn't like her very much at all, they're now divorced)
3. Don't drink beforehand
Meade's Ball
Well-known member
If i were you, i'd stand, sweat and faint. Once you come round from that sleep, you'll seem hilarious and slightly bloody.
The Wookiee
Back From The Dead
Mention the mother in law and say what a lucky man the groom is knowing that his new wife will look like her in 20 years time 
turienzo's lovechild
New member
- Oct 25, 2003
- 23,964
do impressions of everyone in a really harsh way
like
"i'm steve, look at me, i'm really great, i can't have kids"
or something like that
go down a TREAT
like
"i'm steve, look at me, i'm really great, i can't have kids"
or something like that
go down a TREAT
chez
Johnny Byrne-The Greatest
Ive used this one twice now and both times it's got the biggest laugh. It involves giving marital advice to the bride & groom.
Secondly, Married Life Can Be Compared To Football ... so, Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday. Make sure you change ends at half time and don’t put your tackle in too hard coz it could bloody hurt!
However, "Enter Brides Name" Assures Me That Playing Away From Home Could Result In A Serious Groin Injury, And Is Definitely The Quickest Way Onto The Transfer List.
Secondly, Married Life Can Be Compared To Football ... so, Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday. Make sure you change ends at half time and don’t put your tackle in too hard coz it could bloody hurt!
However, "Enter Brides Name" Assures Me That Playing Away From Home Could Result In A Serious Groin Injury, And Is Definitely The Quickest Way Onto The Transfer List.
Kylies Stunt Arse
What?
Ignore Harveys, he's trying to ruin it for you.
Drink as much as you possibly can before your turn.
Make sure you use any embarrassing stories you have about the groom.
Compliment the bride on how good she looks, but then back it up by saying how rough she normally looks. Make reference to her mother at this point if you want.
Thank the bridesmaids, but then make a lewd comment about thanking the chief bridesmaid properly later.
Propose a toast to the happy couple, then use the wrong names.
Head for the bar.
Drink as much as you possibly can before your turn.
Make sure you use any embarrassing stories you have about the groom.
Compliment the bride on how good she looks, but then back it up by saying how rough she normally looks. Make reference to her mother at this point if you want.
Thank the bridesmaids, but then make a lewd comment about thanking the chief bridesmaid properly later.
Propose a toast to the happy couple, then use the wrong names.
Head for the bar.
Barrel of Fun
Abort, retry, fail
You: Can everyone hear me at the back?
The plant: Yes, but I don't mind switching with someone who can't.
The plant: Yes, but I don't mind switching with someone who can't.
Make sure you apologise for the fact that there are now two more Mother-in-Laws in the world.
This went down well at the weeding I went to on Saturday:
"<bride's name> has organised the wedding with her customery attention to detail. I have been obeying her instructions with a mixture of duty and fear but I had to draw the line this morning, when he asked me to rub vaseline on <groom's name's> ring"
Boom Boom
This went down well at the weeding I went to on Saturday:
"<bride's name> has organised the wedding with her customery attention to detail. I have been obeying her instructions with a mixture of duty and fear but I had to draw the line this morning, when he asked me to rub vaseline on <groom's name's> ring"
Boom Boom
"I've had a wonderful day......................................... but this wasn't it"
Publius Ovidius
Well-known member
It gives me the greatest of pleasure....but we are not here to talk about that...
Boom Boom
Or man goes to the doctors...says..." Doctor, I keep getting these terrible headaches" Doctor says, can i ask you a personal question, " Yes " replies the man...." Do you masterbate?"... Yes says the man......." Great isn't it!!!"
Boom Boom
Or man goes to the doctors...says..." Doctor, I keep getting these terrible headaches" Doctor says, can i ask you a personal question, " Yes " replies the man...." Do you masterbate?"... Yes says the man......." Great isn't it!!!"
METALMICKY
Well-known member
- Jan 30, 2004
- 6,531
The reality is that if you are not comfortable and confident with telling gags don't attempt them. Alternatively just be sincere and it's often more appreciated than jokes told badly that fall flat on their arse either due to poor delivery or content.
If you want to take the gag route the internet is full of sites with nice little one liners and and sayings.
Always remember the audience is on your side and most will be half cut.
If you want to take the gag route the internet is full of sites with nice little one liners and and sayings.
Always remember the audience is on your side and most will be half cut.
The old
You'll be pleased to know "grooms name" slept llike a baby last night, he woke up every hour crying for his mummy
always goes down well.
Think the idea is to be funny without insulting, I've been a best man 3 times now, and the speech has always gone down well, sorry to brag but one of them I had about 4 people come up to me saying it was the best they'd heard, smug bastard
Thing is everyone will be on your side anyway, people would of had a couple of drinks, and been warmed up by the other speeches beforehand.
Another one was I read one card out last time
"I'm only going to read one card today, it's from grooms name old football team. It says dear brides name, after 6 years of trying grooms name, was useless in every postion, heres hoping you have more luck"
If you do want some pointers feel free to pm me
You'll be pleased to know "grooms name" slept llike a baby last night, he woke up every hour crying for his mummy
always goes down well.
Think the idea is to be funny without insulting, I've been a best man 3 times now, and the speech has always gone down well, sorry to brag but one of them I had about 4 people come up to me saying it was the best they'd heard, smug bastard
Thing is everyone will be on your side anyway, people would of had a couple of drinks, and been warmed up by the other speeches beforehand.
Another one was I read one card out last time
"I'm only going to read one card today, it's from grooms name old football team. It says dear brides name, after 6 years of trying grooms name, was useless in every postion, heres hoping you have more luck"
If you do want some pointers feel free to pm me
East Staffs Gull
Well-known member
"This is the second time today that I've got off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand".
It's customary to tell a story or 2 about the groom, however after looking for his skeletons I found he didn't even have a closet, so I shall tell a story about the bride (whilst unravelling a roll of paper).
Now as tradtion states the person who wears the trousers now sys a few words, however today brides name has told me that groom's name is going to do it
Now as tradtion states the person who wears the trousers now sys a few words, however today brides name has told me that groom's name is going to do it
I once had to make a best-man's speech in English and French (I'm not recommending this you understand, this is just what happened to me).
My cousin married a French woman so I had to get my speech translated into French (which I speak a bit but not that well) and say everything twice.
The funny thing was it went down a storm - mainly because I just took the piss out of the English which the French guests loved.
Moral of the story - make sure the gags are directed at yourself and the groom - no one else.
My cousin married a French woman so I had to get my speech translated into French (which I speak a bit but not that well) and say everything twice.
The funny thing was it went down a storm - mainly because I just took the piss out of the English which the French guests loved.
Moral of the story - make sure the gags are directed at yourself and the groom - no one else.
desprateseagull
New member
best to keep it short and fun.
always praise the bride, her parents etc. a gentle ribbing of the groom is expected, but no swearing.
always praise the bride, her parents etc. a gentle ribbing of the groom is expected, but no swearing.
Stumpy Tim
Well-known member
I was told that when <insert brides name> was a baby, her favourite thing in the world was her dummy. And 30 years on, funny how things come around