Best man speech

[New Carpet?]

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am the Best Man, so in time-honoured tradition I will do my best to give *groom* the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of *bride*'s life will take place later on tonight, courtesy of *groom*"

Please don't use that, I've heard it at about six weddings in the past couple of years. It's almost as bad and predictable as the "suffer-ring" gag.

If you want to avoid the straight forward stand-up and having to look anybody in the eye and have a bit of time and material on your hands, may I suggest a slide show? I conducted a slide show for a Best Man speech two years ago, and simply narrated jokes around the photos. It went far better than I could ever expect, especially for what was technically a cop-out.

Also, if you're really hard-pushed, you could always ad-lib some of the jokes that the comics have come out with on Channel 4's fantastic Comedy Roast series this week. If you've not seen any of them, they're basically an hour's worth of Best Man speeches.

 

[little al]

Also, if you're really hard-pushed, you could always ad-lib some of the jokes that the comics have come out with on Channel 4's fantastic Comedy Roast series this week. If you've not seen any of them, they're basically an hour's worth of Best Man speeches.

Don't do this, the shows were cringeworthy.

 

[dennis]

I did one once but I must admit I knicked from someone else’s.

I said something along the lines of …

I didn’t really understand what was expected of me today so I bought a dictionary with me ( at which point you open it up.)

Looking in it you go onto say the definition of marriage is

“the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments”

you wait for everybody to say ah and nod.

You then say what about the definition of wedding, you then open up the dictionary again and you say

“ A sparkling union between two bodies”

you again wait for people say ah and nod at which point you say

“Sorry everyone, I've made a mistake, I’ve looked up welding”

 

[tinytears]

' i am very nervous about doing this speech, but the groom says if I make a good job of it I can do his next one'

 

[Cecil]

Mine done and dusted Saturday.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be once I got up there.

However, about 40 mins before I was due to do it I thought I was going to pass out !

One thing I would say is learn it off by heart. I did this but still managed to miss a couple of gags out.

Good luck !

 

[Sheebo]

I heard one of the best ever best Man Speaches on Saturday...
































It was on you tube - I then had to put up with Cecil's drivel in the afternoon

You did everyone proud Cecil 'More breaks than Ronnie O'Sullivan'

 

[Scanny]

I heard one of the best ever best Man Speaches on Saturday...
































It was on you tube - I then had to put up with Cecil's drivel in the afternoon

You did everyone proud Cecil 'More breaks than Ronnie O'Sullivan'

Lol!

 

[User removed 4]

Strange wedding that. Half his mates were top blokes, the other half (including his best man) were absolute geeky gimps.

no need to ask which group you fell into

 

[Barrel of Fun]

I winged it without much preparation and no hint cards and it went down a treat or so I was told.

I did not realise there was a sweepstake for the length of the 3 speeches. A good friend of mine won £140 for the 43 minute guess. If I had known, I could have been in cahoots with the Father of the Bride and the Groom!

 

[Grassman]

I did my first best man speech last saturday in Edinburgh, apparently it went well! Have to say I was about as nervous as I've ever been, did 6mins, got a good number of laughs and finished off with the "it's been an emotional day, even the cake's in tiers" line, but as I know it is a crap gag, I distanced myself from it by saying a dozen people had told me to tell it.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Now another to prepare for. Some repeat people in the audience, so I shall have to work on something original or just go with the flow again.

 

[NMH]

I performed an actual marriage, and was cringingly given the speech to say about the couple by the groom!

It made me more nervous to have to say all that stuff, and was automatically disingenuous.

It was a Jewish couple with 'semi traditional' features like the breaking of the wine-glass....though I think I recall it breaking in more than 4 or five pieces, the marriage only lasted about that many years!

Though I remain pleased to have that one as an experience in life, I'd have preferred it if the outcome was a bit more successful.
A best man speech sounds easy-peasy, by the way, in comparison.

 

[Tony Towner's Fridge]

Suggest the best one to start a fight is the old classic:

'Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Welcome! It is with great pleasure and quite a unique priveledge that I am standing here today doing my 'best man's' speech. I say unique priveledge because I am lucky enough to have slept with the bride and all the bridesmaids (p.s. limit this if any are under 16!).
Best man? Yep that's what they all said. So **groomsname** old chap, you have a lot to live up to , according to ** bridesname**'. Nice nipples by the way!!

Guaranteed to start the proceedings on the wrong foot that one; and then deteriorate fast!

TNBA

TTF

 

[Bring back Bryan wade!!]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is only the second time I’ve been a best man. I hope I did a good job that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they’re not actually talking to each other, but I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with me. Apparently, she knew he'd slept with her younger sister before I mentioned it in my speech. The fact that he slept with her mother came as a surprise.

...and so on.

not really a good idea to plagurise 'Four weddings and a Funeral' in my opinion......

 

[ali jenkins]

I did one in december and was quite nervous until i got going, as soon as you get the first laugh the nerves start to fade and, like i was told be everyone i spoke to who has done it before, just try to enjoy it!

Find out some things about the groom from their childhood, these are almost certanly going to be news to the majority of the people there and should bring a laugh or two.

Be flexible with it, there might be something funny that happened during the day that everyone would find funny, like the bride getting lost on the way, or something at the ceremony going wrong.

My final speech was almost totally diffrent from the first draft so dont be afraid to change it, but when you get it right then leave it alone, its easy to put TOO much work into it.

And last of all, dont spend ages doing it on the day, 5mins would be a good time, give or take.

Good luck if your doing one soon, it will be both the best and worst experiance but hopefully you will end up enjoying it.

 

[NMH]

There is an alternative, easy way out. Have a few large stiff drinks and ......

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[DarrenFreemansPerm]

Well then, It's my turn to the do the BM speech on Saturday and in time honoured tradition I am absolutely terrified!! I'm an absolutely appalling public speaker and tend to turn a horrible blotchy red when doing so, I also become temporarily dyslexic to boot The groom is my brother(older) and our little sister (14yrs) is a bridesmaid which limits lurid gags aimed the plethora of 'maids

I thought I was making a good fist of it until I read this thread, I'm now really at a loose end. The majority of people are my brothers mates and have known me since I was a little scrote, so the thought of capturing their attention and straining a laugh is doing me no favours at all. :thud:

 

[Pevenseagull]

Bride and groom on their feet, hold hands, stare lovingly into each others eyes ...... statistically you are looking at the person most likely to murder you .....