Best man speech

[Dez]

I'm sure this has ben covered a number of times before but nethertheless i'm counting on NSC to help!

I've got the dubious honour of the best man speech in 4 weeks time and could do with a bit of inspiration. I've got some cracking stories that should go down really well but i'm still pretty worried! Has anyone done or seen any original best men speeches. Any ideas or one liners would be much appreciated!

 

[REDLAND]

I once laughed when someone pulled a brick out from under the table and announced he had found it in the grooms toilet earlier !!!

 

[Marshy]

Marraige is all about love and honour......once you get on her stay on her...

 

[Nibble]

Your'e the best man, which means you must know him pretty well. Why don't you think of something?

 

[Easy 10]

I was Best Man a couple of weeks back for a chap I dont actually know all that well (only known him about a year !). Anyway, heres what I cobbled together, and it went down very well:

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen - For those of you who don\'t know me, my name is Dave Wotchadrinking, and if I speak to anyone later at the bar, I must insist you use my full name. Can I begin by saying how lovely Phyllis is looking today. Mark looks great as well, although he could at least have been original and not copied what I’m wearing.
Firstly Phyllis, just to reassure you, I made sure mark was well looked after last night, and I am happy to report that he slept like a baby. By that I mean he wet the bed twice and kept waking up crying, but apart from that, no problem whatsoever.
Next I would like to propose a toast to the beautiful bridesmaids ##### & #####, as I am sure you’d agree outshone only by Phyllis herself. “The Bridesmaids”.
You really have done a fantastic job, especially getting Phyllis to the Registry Office – I understand she put up quite a fight.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the Best Man, so in time-honoured tradition, I will do my best to give Mark the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Phyliss\'s life will be coming later on tonight, courtesy of Mark.
Now, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible. So where do you begin for ideas? The obvious place seemed to be the Internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I began searching the web.
After a couple of hours of searching I came across some really, REALLY good stuff…but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for some Best Man tips. But if anyone is interested, I’ve still got the other stuff on a disk in the car.
In all honesty I am a little bit nervous doing this, but I do feel comforted by the fact I have already rehearsed this speech in front of an audience. It was actually down the local nursing home, and I think it went down quite well – by the end, three of the residents had pissed themselves.

Now I didn’t have the privilege of knowing Mark when he was younger or at school, but in order to find out the kind of guy he was and is today, I took it upon myself to do a bit of digging around on Mark…or should I say “Hamish”.

According to reports, Mark / Hamish had some rather unusual sleeping habits when he was younger. Such as the time he got drunk and fell asleep in a bus stop on Christmas Eve, missing the last bus home. Or the time for some reason he decided to spend the night asleep under a car at Bristol waterfront. And the curious fact that until the age of 25, Mark apparently would not go to bed unless he was accompanied by his faithful cuddly toy, the Pink Panther. And Mark, just in case of any problems getting off to sleep tonight, here is old Pinky for you.
During this digging around, I managed to obtain one of Mark’s old school reports, and found this comment:
“Mark was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects”.
Oh no. Sorry, that should be: “Mark was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.”
I also caught up with one of his work colleagues had to say about him:
”Working with Mark is like working with God. He’s never seen, he’s holier than thou, and if he does any work it’s a bloody miracle.”

Before I finish, I would like to give some general advice on the ingredients to a long and happy marriage so here are a few hints.
Something that my wife, Joanne and I, have done to keep the magic and romance alive in our marriage is this. Twice a week we make a point of getting all dressed up and going out to a nice restaurant for a little wine, some good food and pleasant company. She goes on Mondays, I go on Fridays.
Mark – some things to remember.
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is boss…and then just do everything Phyllis says
Secondly, never be afraid that Phyllis will leave you – she’s spent a lot of time training you, she’s not going to throw that away lightly
Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words, every day, for the rest of your life: - “ok, you’re right”

And finally, on a serious note, you don’t marry someone who you want to live with. You marry someone who you cannot live without. And in that respect, Mark and Phyllis, I can see you are both undoubtedly marrying the right person, you really do make a fantastic couple.
Now if you will all join me in a toast, wishing Mark and Phyllis health, happiness and a long and successful marriage.
To Mark and Phyllis

 

[Easy 10]

Oh, and I was told by the missus to leave this one gag out:

\\\"I was a little worried that some of Marks ex-girlfriends might turn up to todays proceedings, which would have made things a little awkward. However, thankfully I understand the recent outbreak of foot and mouth has taken care of that concern\\\".


Wish I;d done it now.

 

[Nibble]

Give yourself a biscuit.

 

[Easy 10]

I prefer crisps. Can I have crisps ?

 

[Nibble]

I prefer crisps. Can I have crisps ?

Yes. But the hoops are mine.

 

[Falmer Flutter ©]

Oh, and I was told by the missus to leave this one gag out:

\\\"I was a little worried that some of Marks ex-girlfriends might turn up to todays proceedings, which would have made things a little awkward. However, thankfully I understand the recent outbreak of foot and mouth has taken care of that concern\\\".


Wish I;d done it now.

I was at my brother's wedding a few weeks back and the best man (not me, think I've mentioned before I was surprisingly overlooked for that honour) must have looked at the same websites as you as it's almost identical in structure and gags. Oh, and he included the bit above about foot and mouth and the laughter it got almost took the roof of the marquee off. In fact it was so good, that when the best man lost his place in the speech and was trying to regain his composure, someone (ok, it was me) shouted out that he should just tell the foot and mouth gag again.

And there's me thinking you're one of life's originals...

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

Use visuals.

One I thought was good was where, at the start of his best mans speech, the guy unveiled a giant photo of the groom at about age 7 in a school photo, you know the one we all have with the missing teeth and wonky hairdo, everyone was pissing themselves and all the girls were giving it the "ahhh isn't he sweet" the groom was in pleats as well, I will definitely pinch this idea if called upon again.
Also powerpont can be used to make a funny presentation using movie and still photos, always a good idea if you want to make a lasting impression.

 

[Hiney]

http://www.northstandchat.biz/showthread.php?t=84509&highlight=speech

 

[Blue&WhiteSea]

Oh, and I was told by the missus to leave this one gag out:

\\\"I was a little worried that some of Marks ex-girlfriends might turn up to todays proceedings, which would have made things a little awkward. However, thankfully I understand the recent outbreak of foot and mouth has taken care of that concern\\\".


Wish I;d done it now.

Best man at my cousins wedding used that a few weeks back!

 

[Staypuft]

Start off with the immortal classic

"Well, here we are again then"

 

[Easy 10]

And there\'s me thinking you\'re one of life\'s originals...

Well YOU try writing a best man speech for a bloke you hardly know ! I did not have ONE anecdote with the fella that I could turn into any kind of story, so I unashamedly trawled the net for some general wedding gags.

 

[Easy 10]

Also powerpont can be used to make a funny presentation using movie and still photos, always a good idea if you want to make a lasting impression.

I can just see that happening at MYOBS wedding.

 

[tedebear]

Use visuals.

One I thought was good was where, at the start of his best mans speech, the guy unveiled a giant photo of the groom at about age 7 in a school photo, you know the one we all have with the missing teeth and wonky hairdo, everyone was pissing themselves and all the girls were giving it the "ahhh isn't he sweet" the groom was in pleats as well, I will definitely pinch this idea if called upon again.
Also powerpont can be used to make a funny presentation using movie and still photos, always a good idea if you want to make a lasting impression.

Powerpoint? At a wedding? What ever next...

 

[Nibble]

Powerpoint? At a wedding? What ever next...

I think all wedding speeches should be presented on PP. I also think the whole ceremony should be conducted via a weblink to guests sitting in their own homes with no-one present except the happy couple. they should all be wearing fancy, ibiza style ear plugs so no-one can hear the un-original rehashed jokes and virtual wedding gifts should be given on Facebook rather than real ones.

What a day to remember, thanks for coming everyone, you have been great!

Pardon?