Crispy Ambulance
Well-known member
Best news I've heard in ages. Good riddance to the evil tosser. The world's a better place without him.
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Bernard Matthews DEAD
- Thread starter Brighton Breezy
- Start date
East Staffs Gull
Well-known member
Kindly show some respect for the man who had an FA Cup Final named after him in the 1950's.
Pavilionaire
Well-known member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 31,114
You'd love to be the Undertaker about to embalm his body. The temptation to insert a little bit of Sage & Onion would be too much to bear...
Crispy Ambulance
Well-known member
Kindly show some respect for the man who had an FA Cup Final named after him in the 1950's.
And who had a lovely daughter called Karen. Probably.
And who had a lovely daughter called Karen. Probably.
Caaaash-back
Pavilionaire
Well-known member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 31,114
Norfolk's finest will no doubt be at the funeral - Delia Smith, Stephen Fry, the Coleman's Mustard heiress and maybe Alan Partridge (in his black Castrol GTX bomber jacket, of course)...
Mendoza
NSC's Most Stalked
Best Before 24/11/10
Twinkle Toes
Growing old disgracefully
Bloody typical! I've only just seen this thread & all the wonderfully weedy puns have already been gobbled up. 
Pavilionaire
Well-known member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 31,114
"Once in the oven, please remember to baste regularly until the tweed jacket has turned a lovely golden brown..."
Pavilionaire
Well-known member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 31,114
THE POPE VISITS EAST ANGLIA
The Pope vists East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help."
The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will".
Bernard says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I'll be sorted.
The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years"
The pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."
Bernard gets desparate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
The pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.
The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million pounds a year..."
A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The pope replies, "We've lost the Hovis account."
The Pope vists East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help."
The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will".
Bernard says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I'll be sorted.
The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years"
The pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."
Bernard gets desparate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
The pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.
The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million pounds a year..."
A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The pope replies, "We've lost the Hovis account."
glasfryn
cleaning up cat sick
maybe they will have a BOGOF on the turkey slices to celebrate his life
my cats love them
my cats love them
Trufflehound
Re-enfranchised
Was it Coleman's Mustard, on the turkey farm, with the lead piping?
Oh hang on, I may be thinking of someone else...
The Peanut Roaster
Banned
Pete Doherty has asked for the biggest, cheapest, dirtiest piece of crack to be delivered to his cell... The wardens brought Karen Matthews to him.
Sussex Nomad
Well-known member
Did he tweet this?
The Wookiee
Back From The Dead
franks brother
Well-known member
died from salmonella
If Bernand could see these poor puns he'd be turning in his grave-y.
Tom Hark Preston Park
Will Post For Cash
- Jul 6, 2003
- 71,982
NMH
Banned
Wattle we do next Thanksgiving?
I need to know beakause I want to keep abreast of the US tradition.
I need to know beakause I want to keep abreast of the US tradition.