A-Z of little-known Albion miscellany - for new fans

[Deleted User X18H]

Albion Moan In , The

Is a weekly hospital radio show broadcast live from central Brighton on most match days. It includes features such as 'guess my pie?' 'what shirt am I wearing?' and I think I have poohed myself!'

The show has regular unfunny guest characters such as Huge Bo and Gangster Al who phone in all keyed up to be funny, but get all giggly , shy and ring off.

 

[Garry Nelson's Left Foot]

Robinson, Jake

Short, slender speedster Jake Robinson, who graced the stripes in the mid to late 2000's is the illegitimate offspring of Dustin Hoffman and Mrs Robinson. Jake is unaware of his patriarchial parentage as his mother has never allowed him to watch 'the graduate', the documentary charting Dustin and Mrs Robinson's time together.

Robinson, Miguel

The husband of the above mentioned Mrs Robinson and former goal scoring Brighton Town and Hove City F.C hero. It is not known whether he is aware that he is not the biological father of young Jake. However, it is known that he now lives in Spain and is separated from his wife. Whether this is due to knowledge of his wife's illicit hanky panky with rain man or due to his eternal shame at being a member of the only Brighton team to have not won at Wem-ber-ley is not clear.

 

[skipper734]

Three prospectors turned up at the Clubs luxuriously appointed former ground, having heard it was called The Goldstone. The object of these three rotters was to steal the Club and mine the pitch for the gold stones they thought lay under the pitch.
They must have found something because they then changed the Clubs constitution and bought it for the unbelievable enormous sum of £57 or there abouts. Shortly after this the supply of gold stones must have dried up because the next thing the supporters new was that the ground had been sold for development, because Toys are Us and other large useful stores with not many branches needed the site so much they and the greedy bankers involved were able to offer £11.000.000 for the site. In the meantime some more gold stones must have been discovered because the value of the ground miraculously rose to £34.000.000 give or take a bit. No one knows what happened to the £23.000.000 difference.
There is a lot that happened in between then and now, but thanks to cards, playing and plastic a New Dawn has arrived, it's a Blooming Miracle!
This tale was passed on to me by a fellow old timer with white hair, he told me he was a STH at the time, he liked to partake of strong drink, so some of the above may not be all that accurate.

 

[Easy 10]

Whistles

Owing to an obscure now-defunct local bylaw which banned the use of whistles in Hove, referee's at the Goldstone Ground would have to give two sharp claps in order to stop and restart the game. This led to one famous incident after a goal was scored by mercurial irish Albion centreback Kevin Bremner against Billington Synthonia. The Synthonia keeper Louie Spence (now manager at Wolves), took exception to the referee clapping to indicate a goal. Thinking he was applauding the goal, Spence produced a medium sized breaded cod fillet from behind his shinguard, and hurled it at the referee.

The open exposure of red cards were also banned in Hove at the time though, so Spence escaped with a booking.

 

[Barrow Boy]

A little known fact is that Brighton & Hove Albion were the first League team to have a woman playing regularly in the first team in the late 70's. Although this was totally against both League and FA rules Alan Mullery, Albion's manager at the time, got away with the deception by making the woman dress and act like a man. The one thing that finally led to the deception being exposed was the poor girls obvious lack of footballing talent. Take a bow for championing womens liberation Edwina (Teddy) Maybank.

 

[Mendoza]

Tony Bloom
A horse riding lizard that earned £4billion playing poker against Shane Warne. Later the lizard was kissed by a Jewish woman and turned into a Prince (who is now a second cousin to Hollywood Actor Orlando), they later married and instead of going on honeymoon, paid for a new stadium called the FalMEX Arena Bowl in the South Downs Zooilogical Park

 

[pasty]

Lawrenson, Mark

Despite many Albion fans insisting Mark Lawrenson once played for the club, this is completely fictitious as proven by his constant lack of acceptance of it ever having happened.

 

[pasty]

Kanchelskis, Andrei

Despite his constant lack of acceptance that he ever played for the club, Andrei Kanchelskis has made random appearances for the club over the past 7 or 8 years, scoring a hatrick on every single occasion he played.

 

[Simster]

In 1994, George Parris scored arguably the cheekiest goal ever scored at The Goldstone. When he noticed the Bristol Rovers keeper was throwing the ball on the ground from goal kicks, he decided to lean on the goal post and have a crafty cigarette. The keeper duly obliged, at which point Parris crept up behind the keeper and stubbed the cigarette in the goalkeeper's eye before tapping the ball into an unguarded net. When question about this trick after the match, Parris said that while on loan at Newcastle United, he'd seen Joey Barton put in hours of practice in this technique.

Albion went on to win the game 8-2 and secure promotion back up to division 2 at the first time of asking. And sadly, we'll never see this sort of goal scored again, as cigarettes were barred from the field of play from 1998 onwards.

 

[Tony Meolas Loan Spell]

Fixtures

It is positively encouraged to start a new thread on NSC asking when they are coming out for the new season. The HILARITY that ensues really is first class.

 

[Mendoza]

Rocket Man, The
A cult hero at Withdean Stadium. Everytime Brighton score a goal, he runs around the running track blarring out the Elton John classic via a speaker on his head, whilst LUZZING salad leaves into the crowd.

Rocket man disappeared during Mickey Adams second spell at the club. He was said to be disillusioned with the football, as well as life itself.



Gullys Girls
Young girls sent out by the paedo police to gyrate in short skirts pre kick off, to test the morality of all men over 25 that purchase a ticket to Withdean Stadium.
A 4 year suspended jail sentance is issued to any male deemed to be perving

 

[7:18]

have Palace REALLY never won in Sussex?

 

[Brovion]

7:18 - Brighton slang term for gullible. As in "Don't be so 7:18"

 

[Mendoza]

Jackson, Samuel L
Younger brother of "Black or White" singer, Michael, Samuel was the first celebrity to visit Withdean Stadium. Samuel was famed for his starring role in the OSCAR winning film, Shawshank Redemption which was based on a TV advert set on Brighton beach.

 

[Cullip4]

Glen Thomas

Glen Thomas was a dustman from Hackney who had a £500 bet with his mates that he could get a game in the football league, one phone call later he had convinced Brian Horton that he was the brother of Michael Thomas the Arsenal Midfielder and he in turn pursueded Dick Knght to part with some of the missing cup final cash (which he had found behind the Robbie Fowler signed photo in Belottis office) to secure the signing. When Glen appeared looking nothing like Michael Thomas people were confused but thought it would be rude to question this and put him in for the upcoming game against Brentford, what followed has gone down in history and after he was rumbled Glen collected his £500 and retired to Whitstable where he can still be found in local bars on a saturday telling this story.

 

[The Large One]

Barry Lloyd

<Check with the lawyers first>

 

[house your seagull]

Fran Sandaza

A fawn who played for Albion in two spells either side of the Spanish Civil War

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Atilla the Jockstrap Maker

A shrinking violet on a lifelong crusade to oust gambling and betting from the game of football.

 

[Mendoza]

Binfest
The term was invented in late 1999 and is short for "Festival of Bins" Normally involves one person calling someone a twat, then the other person retaliating by calling them a twat back. Everyone on the outside thinks they are both twats. Normally occurs when discussing anything from Ashley Barnes, to recently deceased race horses, to charity football matches.

 

[Tony Meolas Loan Spell]

Adam Virgo

Legendary right winger who under the triumphant second spell under adams also played centre midfield, striker, left midfield, all across the back 4 and in goal. Sometimes all in one game by himself such as the 1-0 home loss to Wallsall in 2009.