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4314.180 miles Nanaimo. Which sounds like Japan or Africa, but is in fact Vancouver Island, Canada.

Exactly. She's a witch, and this is a hunt for justice. What's her problem?

Did you ever have the pleasure of meeting David Bellotti?

Sadly for Bobby, no. His best Premiership season was 2010, but injuries deprived him of the chance to shine in Fulham's Europa Cup final, or be in the England squad for the ill-fated World Cup (probably a blessing in disguise). Unfortunately those increasingly look to have been his best...

Not sure they actually left the ground "with five minutes to go". They might just have been ticketless fans who wanted to get as close as they could to the action. After all, a fair few turned up to the last game at the Goldstone just to be around the ground, even if they couldn't get in.

Get some tippex and change it to Pompey charade?

Nope. Canadian tennis starlet Carling Bassett. Once got to the final of the US Open but lost to Chris Evert. As a 16 year old, I had her home address and she sent me free tickets to the Eastbourne Tennis Week. Sadly that was as close as I ever got. Ah well.

Still no takers, so to speak. That's fine, I'll keep her all to myself....

Here's mine. Anyone able to guess who she is? (Have obscured the autograph for that reason!)

And don't forget Katrina & the Waves won Eurovision that night too. It truly was a momentous day.

Right now, I'd be on the Gulls Eye coach to Hereford. We stopped at a pub, and sat in the garden cheering any Brighton cars that passed by. Then someone put porn on the coach video, which seemed just... inappropriate, really, for the mood of the day. Picked up some folk whose car had broken...

Roy should just say "The Sun's sales rankings aren't my concern" in his next press conference. Gives him the moral high ground, but also plays a wonderful joke at their own expense.

"Which 'Celebrities' Could Do Without?" Without What? Food? The Oxygen of Publicity?

B+ too. 10th is a great result, and I think Gus has worked hard this year – some people's expectations need a slight reality check. My only reasons for edging him down from A- are: – as others have said, perhaps a touch much tinkering – a few slightly odd personnel decisions (signing Harley...

Crikey, that's impressive. I'm assuming you mean the meteorological effect usually only seen at the poles, where luminous bands of colour appear in the sky, caused by the bombardment of the atmosphere with charged solar particles that are being guided along the earth's magnetic lines of force?

I'd heard it was £25 BILLION, he's so good.

NIce idea, but I kind of think the moment to do it has passed – maybe if it had been arranged for the Donnie game, or something. Anyway. 15 years. Jesus. Still remember that last day at the Goldstone in every detail.

Hover round al fresco cafes and scoop up any leftovers before table staff can clear them. Make free appointments with banks, estate agents etc. Talk nonsense and generally waste their time for ten minutes – but get a free cup of coffee and (if you're lucky) biscuit out of it.

Quality headline from the Scummers' programme.

Messi would be, what, £100m? Unlikely (but possible, if Tony won every poker game in the world!). However there's someone worth even more than that. Lots lots more. Like nine or ten times more, at least £1bn just for the basics, never mind additional clauses. Maybe £2bn is a more realistic...