[Humour] Your favourite one liners

[Icy Gull]

Let’s lift the gloom of coronavirus and Albion’s dire predicament with some of your favourite one liners/comebacks/put downs

I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong

I’m trying my hardest to see things from your perspective but I just can’t get my head that far up my arse

Peter Crouch on being asked what he’d be if he wasn’t a footballer

A virgin

 

[AmexRuislip]

You: You've got something on your chin.

Other: Where? (whilst trying remove said item)

You: No, the other one.......

 

[boik]

I got a vasectomy because I didn't want children any more. When I got home they were still there.

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

My favourite one liner chat up line that always bagged me a filly was;
" I have a purple dome that needs a home"
Knocked em bandy.

 

[Eeyore]

My favourite from last year, although not quite a one liner..(Copied from my diary)

Me: ''I suppose being at Worthing hospital means I've finally reached later life"
Nurse: "I don't get ID'd anymore"
Me "Mm"
Nurse "You're supposed to say 'REALLY ?'
Me: "Especially as you're the one with the needle"
Nurse: "I might struggle to get blood here...."

 

[Blue3]

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead

 

[Jim Van Winkle]

https://youtu.be/Ri791tauGmU

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

Before my prostate examination.
"Good morning Mr Chopper, pop your trousers and pants on that chair, next to mine"

 

[NooBHA]

My favorite line was in the film '' Ghost ''

When Patrick Swazye said to Whoopi Goldberg ''get a pen and write the it down ''

Whoopi Goldberg responds with - ''I aint no God Damned Secretary''

I have used it many time as a '' come back '' when someone asks me to do something in a hurry. Absolute belter of a response.

 

[FIVESTEPS]

George Melly to Mick Jagger"god your wrinkled"

Mick Jagger "they are not wrinkles they're laughter lines"

George Melly "nothings that funny"

 

[One Teddy Maybank]

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead

You can lead a whore to water but you can’t make her think


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Bold Seagull]

The wife threw me out and as I was leaving down the drive she shouted 'I hope you die a slow and painful death'.
I replied 'oh you want me to stay now do you.'

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

My favourite one liner chat up line that always bagged me a filly was;
" I have a purple dome that needs a home"
Knocked em bandy.

Have you any other jolly tales of the 1940s?

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

When dealing derisively with an upstart braggart:

"I was in Baghdad when you was in dad's bag."

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

This one is by Grouch Marx, in reference, I think, to Maralyn Monroe:

"I knew her before she was a virgin"

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Mrs Merton to Debbie McGhee"

"So, Debbie, what first attracted you to the multi millionaire, Paul Daniels?"

 

[Garage_Doors]

If you turn the light off you can put up my arse she said.
With hindsight i should have let it cool down first.

 

[Lyndhurst 14]

Dave: But movies cost millions of dollars to make.

Robert K. Bowfinger: That's after gross net deduction profit percentage deferment ten percent of the nut. Cash, every movie cost $2,184.

 

[marlowe]

George Melly to Mick Jagger"god your wrinkled"

Mick Jagger "they are not wrinkles they're laughter lines"

George Melly "nothings that funny"

That was actually Jack Sheldon to Chet Baker. If you saw Chet Baker's drug ravaged face in later life (he was only 58 when he died) you'd see that Sheldon had a point.

 

[The Clamp]

I’m writing a novel

That’s great. Neither am I.