Welcome back to the Amex Graham! How does it feel?
- Its ok. Not as planned, but it is what it is, no? Just kidding. NOTHING is what it is.
You've signed a five-year-deal. Are you intending to stay for the entire duration this time?
- I'm going to talk to Tony about it. If he can make Graham wake up happy every morning for the next five years, Graham will stay. If Graham wake up unhappy, Graham is probably opting out of this "going to work" thingie you're talking about. But don't worry, you'll notice as I'll update you on my feelings of happiness twice a week. I'm very passionate about sharing my emotional rollercoaster due to the massive size of my testicles.
Some people have been critical of your return. How do you intend to turn that around?
- I spent too much time planning tactics and too little time planning press conferences last time around. Me, and the definitely-not-my-agent lad I'm dragging to every presser from now on, will be choosing our (btw very honest) words wisely from now on to get what we want.
We've picked up a fair bit of lingo from Roberto and will be talking a lot about balls, heart, happiness, passion and other emotional words that make the monkeyminded adrenaline-filled fan relate to us. People like to hear things like 'my passion is like the wave of the oceans, my hunger for the balls is insatiable, if I wake up happy in the morning". We'll be doing a lot of bad Italian poetry.
You're going into this season without the previous exciting Europa League adventure. Will your players find it difficult to find motivation?
- They don't seem awfully motivated right now but thats not really my problem is it, no? I woke up with a sore back, unhappy. And I suffer because I'm hungry. So yeah motivation all around pretty low.
Your predecessor rotated between his two goalies, is this something you're going to continue, and why in that case?
- Different games, different goalies. Games we feel like losing 4-0 we play Jason Steele and we want a decent chance we play Bart Verbruggen, because LOOK AT ME and ASK ME IF IM HAPPY... uh sorry. I meant, because "reasons".
Evan Ferguson is back and fully fit. Do you think he can turn into the player people hoped?
- Nah, he's maybe decent at shooting but this O'Mahony lad is a lot better and I passionately love him with all of my balls and heart and Evan can f*** off.
You recently signed a 19-year-old superstar prospect from France. If he's hearing this, what would you want him to feel when he's walking on to the pitch at the Amex this Saturday?
- That he's not ready. He might as well get used to hearing that because I'm going to say it every week. He's not Caicedo, Alexis or the 31-year-old FC Vaffancolo midfielder I told mr Bloom to buy. Thats how he should feel on the Amex next Saturday. I'm looking forward to screaming in agony and despair when he fucks up, because of how passionate and honest I am.
The injury situation...
- Umm it is what it is, except it isn't: we're going to need eight new Vaffancolo FC players to do anything useful at all, really. Lamptey and Veltman had an unfortunate collision yesterday and both are gone permanently. Then we have Billy G, Pervis, Solly, Dunk all out for the next few months. Except Pervis who we're stuffing with morphine so he can limp around on his broken leg until someone needs to remove it. This non-Vaffancolo FC Barco-guy isn't ready.
Lamine Yamal is reported to be close to a loan deal. Do you think you can help him develop?
- If he does well, it was thanks to me and my passion and balls etc yeah. If he can't do shit, its on Tony and his lack of ambitions.
What will your tactical approach be this season?
- Based on my recent studies on popular tactical trends, we're going to give the ball to Mitoma and his individual skill will do my job for me. If he is hurt during next weeks amputation practice session, I need someone else to do my job for me. We're also leaving a big fat passionate hole between our central defenders and full backs for the next seven months, because why not.
The transfer window is closing in a week. What do you need before the new season?
- Eight new Vaffanculo FC players, each of them handpicked by me based on Youtube highlights and each of them passionate about licking my arse. But the owner... maybe different ideas. But If he can buy me 8 of the players I point at, I will wake up happy until I want 4 new ones in January. I'm gonna talk about it with him later, just thought you lads should know first.
Some of the things you're saying might be considered controversial.
- Well, I'm just entirely honest because as we all know that's entirely compatible with being a grown-up individual living in a functional society. Anyway, look at my hair, hear about my passion, my balls, my hunger, my suffering, my tormented soul, my small football club and listen to my essays on morning happiness... its not like anyone is going to care about the other stuff.
So finally, how do you think it will go this season?
- I'm going to sit and sob about players we've sold and players we didn't buy and tell our players they aren't good enough and tell our fans that the owner lacks the ambition to make me wake up happy in the morning. And then there will be a statue of me in Preston Park.
