[Humour] Worst first dates

[Bry Nylon]

Inspired but this gem from [MENTION=24502]81jamie[/MENTION] on another thread, this MUST be rich theme, surely?

The best way to get over the disasters and humiliations is to share them. I'm sure I must have a few of my own so I'll pop back in a bit and add to the roll of shame.

But in the meantime, a snippet from the post below that can't be allowed to just pass by. WTF?!

She had magnificent hair and I was hoping to take some home as a trophy

She had magnificent hair and I was hoping to take some home as a trophy but there was, and I can't stress this enough, absolutely zero chemistry.

When we initially met we had a good laugh etc, which is what set up the initial date. God know what happened in the few days between meeting and the date because it was a horrendous time at the table. Obviously, I have to shoulder 50% of the blame but Christ almighty.

 

[GREASED WEASEL]

Took a young lady to see Indecent Proposal

In the queue I asked for 2 tickets for Indecent Exposure

Then to make matters worse with a nervous laugh I said to her

I haven't been knicked for it honest

 

[Icy Gull]

I don’t know if it was a first date but someone once told me that after a drunken one night stand he woke up to find the girl gone and a big turd on her pillow. Thinking about it, as it was a one night stand I guess it was a first date

Not sure it can get much worse than that tbh

 

[Bry Nylon]

Took a young lady to see Indecent Proposal

In the queue I asked for 2 tickets for Indecent Exposure

Then to make matters worse with a nervous laugh I said to her

I haven't been knicked for it honest

Oh God, you've just reminded me of an experience from my student days that I think embarrassment had srcubbed from my memory.

I had fancied this girl for ages and after a night in the Students Union bar getting her pissed I persuaded her to come back to my house. All was good on the bus back and then we passed the 24 hour petrol station at the bottom of my road and we decided to get some snacks and fags and stuff. It was late, so you had to shout to the cashier through the window and he passed what you wanted through a serving hatch. It was all going okay until I asked for some crisps. "What flavour, mate?" he asked.
"Salt and vagina please," was my shouted response.

 

[gripper stebson]

30 odd years ago I asked a girl from work out when I was 17. She was 23. Got to her front door and she was wearing black heels, a little black dress and an expensive looking trench coat. I was wearing a oversized and dirty old Levellers hoody, ripped baggy jeans and sweaty old converse.

Took her to see Gremlins 2.

What a catch.

 

[Mr Bridger]

Took a woman out once for a drink or few, she turned up in a lovely short dress, lovely long legs.
Later on that evening, when the drink had suitably circulated we were sitting side by side I noticed a peanut on her thigh , which I rather gallantly flicked off.

Said peanut, just wobbled and didn’t fly off like I intended as it was a peanut sized wart.

I didn’t see her again.

 

[Papak]

30 odd years ago I asked a girl from work out when I was 17. She was 23. Got to her front door and she was wearing black heels, a little black dress and an expensive looking trench coat. I was wearing a oversized and dirty old Levellers hoody, ripped baggy jeans and sweaty old converse.

Took her to see Gremlins 2.

What a catch.

I hope you are still happily married

 

[GREASED WEASEL]

Not exactly a date but on holiday

Nearly there,in the bag,on the slow dance

Suddenly I can feel the whole room spinning (totally ratarsed)

Then I'm over,like a boxer in the last round of a gruelling encounter

Fell into about half a dozen people

Cue loads of abuse and she was gone

 

[GREASED WEASEL]

I don’t know if it was a first date but someone once told me that after a drunken one night stand he woke up to find the girl gone and a big turd on her pillow. Thinking about it, as it was a one night stand I guess it was a first date

Not sure it can get much worse than that tbh

Not quite as bad as that but I did have one piss the settee

Took some cleaning I can tell you!

 

[The Clamp]

Took a girl from college on a lunchtime date to the pub for a drink and a bite to eat. On our walk back to college she got hit by a car and spent two weeks in a coma. Which was nice.

 

[Butch Willykins]

Around 2004-ish. So pre-internet dating and tinder, when you really had to graft to get a date.

Took a very nice young lady on a date which was all going well. Then about 11pm, walking together back down the hill from Seven Dials to the Station, I managed to trip over my own feet, clatter into her and send her flying arse over tit down the hill.

She was on the floor screaming in pain so I tried to assist her up. At this moment a group of 3 guys appear around the corner and assume that I've knocked her out.

After plenty of pushing, shoving and arguing I managed to convince the group of guys that I'm not a women beater and we simply fell over. My date is still screaming in agony on the floor, but luckily backs up the story, whilst screaming her "knee is broken". She's unable to stand so an ambulance is called.

The ambulance turns up and the paramedics discover my date has dislocated her knee - so off to A&E we go. The mood in the ambulance is tense. The paramedics clearly think I'm a women beater. I also get a bollocking for using the gas & air.

After several hours in A&E (and assumptions from everyone we saw in hospital that I'm a woman beater) she was released so we shared a taxi back to hers. Its about 4am now.

Luckily for me her pain killers were really kicking in and remarkably she didn't hate me. You can guess what we got up to for the next few hours (which is quite tricky when one of the participants has a recently dislocated knee).

Things fizzled out soon after that and I've not seen her since, although I do think of her every time I see a woman with a limp.

 

[gripper stebson]

Took a girl from college on a lunchtime date to the pub for a drink and a bite to eat. On our walk back to college she got hit by a car and spent two weeks in a coma. Which was nice.

To be fair mate I've been on a few drinks with you and the idea of throwing myself into passing traffic has never been far from my thoughts.

Let's meet up for a beer soon. x

 

[The Clamp]

To be fair mate I've been on a few drinks with you and the idea of throwing myself into passing traffic has never been far from my thoughts.

Let's meet up for a beer soon. x

Ha! She dodged a bullet there. Yes mate, definitely. It's been a while. I'll Whatsapp you

 

[albionalex]

I went for drinks with a girl, date was going great. Asked her if she would like to come back to mine, to which she said yes.

When we get back to mine, my roommate was on the couch playing Fifa, so I introduce her to him.

I introduced her as Breanna.

After a pause she looks at me and says 'what did you say my name was'?.

I repeat Breanna.

She says 'I'm leaving' and promptly walks out.

Tuns out her name was Deanna.

 

[Gwylan]

Isn't "first" here redundant? If they were that bad, they'd be only dates.

 

[Poojah]

When I was sixteen, I took a girl to see Moulin Rouge at the cinema (Ewan McGregor, Nicole Kidman). I went to loads of effort to ensure I came across as the smooth operator I very much believed myself to be; wangled £20 off my dad, shaved off my bumfluff, slapped on some mid-range aftershave and stashed not one but two ribbed johnnies in my back pocket - my old scout leader would have been proud of me had he not been serving time for some unmentionable crime.

No expense was served, I paid for her bus fair, her cinema ticket, large popcorn AND a drink. I felt like a pretty big player that night, especially with my fake TAG Heuer watch, fresh from a recent family holiday in Turkey. I opened every door for her, reinforcing the fact that I really was a true gentleman.

Anyway, we went through to the relevant screen, found some decent seats (no fancy reservation systems in those days) and sat ourselves down. As the film began, I decided to make things a little more intimate, stretched over, placed my arm around her, my hand on her shoulder, and snuggled in. It wasn't an entirely comfortable position, but again I was going to every length to ensure she knew that not only was this man a real smooth customer, but warm and affectionate too.

It was in that position that I remained for, ooh I don't know, perhaps the first half hour or so of the film. It was only then, for reasons I do not recall, that I glanced to the right to take a look at my date. Slight problem. My hand was resting not, as I had thought, on her right shoulder, but rather her right breast. The poor girl was either too polite or too terrified to point out my misplacement.

Honestly, I was absolutely mortified as the evening quickly shifted in my mind from a pleasant date to a potential date in court. I apologised profusely and she did, to her credit, laugh it off.

After a few minutes, my embarrassment subsided and I decided to try and forget about it and enjoy the rest of the evening. I was just about managing it too, before things quickly took an even more sinister turn. This was an old, now derelict cinema in the heart of Grimsby. It was November, and it wasn't particularly warm. I begin to feel a bit of a breeze in my nether region. As I looked down to investigate, I was absolutely horrified to see the sight of my bare penis hanging out of my trousers. It would appear that as I had assumed my stretched position to put my arm round her, the crotch in my jeans had ripped and given I was a somewhat excited sixth-former on a first date, the old fella had quite literally wormed his way out.

I had no idea whether she had noticed my wardrobe malfunction, but I was also conscious that if she had (and again been too embarrassed to say anything) then the sight of me wrestling with my groin area in an attempt to put everything back in place would not likely have helped my cause. I eventually managed it, as cautiously as I could, and to this day I don't know whether she spotted it.

We did happen to go on another couple of dates, but from that night on my confidence was actually shot and there was never much chance of it going anywhere. I am just grateful that I happened to be sixteen and in this predicament in 2001 and not 2021 - I dread to think what the consequences could be for my innocent but highly embarrassing mistakes nowadays.

 

[Coldeanseagull]

Took a girl from college on a lunchtime date to the pub for a drink and a bite to eat. On our walk back to college she got hit by a car and spent two weeks in a coma. Which was nice.

You pushed her in front of a car? what is wrong with you!!

 

[Seagullroyal]

Read this story, so not sure how true it is.
Woman out on a night on the town meets a nice lad, fancies him, and then agrees to go home with him for a 'coffee'.
Nice house, well impressed with her catch, decides that she'll sleep with him.
Next morning, he's up early as he has to go to work, tells her to lay in, and let herself out later.
Drifts off to sleep, only to be woken by three people standing by the bed and asking what she is doing there?
She tells them what happened.
Turns out that it is actually an estate agent and his clients, who are looking around a show home!!

 

[AlbionBro]

Years ago when I was then dating girls only, I took a pretty young thing home to her doorstep, things were warming up even though it was -5 outside, so we grabbed her father's car keys from her kitchen and jumped in their frozen Morris traveller. At this point, things were going rather well, until father scraped off the ice from the side window to see who was in his car. I had just hit the point of no return as he shouted 'get out of my morris now'. I'd thought he had said, Doris, as that was his daughter's name!
I had a near-death experience that night and worse still I ended up with a substantial bill for a new leaf spring as we broke it, apparently.

I will never forget Doris.

 

[Perkino]

As a 25 year old I had just finished my teach training and embarking on my NQT year, I met a girl at the Amex and arranged a date for a drink. Whilst in a pub in Brighton having this drink it transpired she had just finished college and was only 18. A mere 18 months older than some of the students I was teaching at the time, it felt very weird just being out for a drink and being a gentleman I hadn't considered asking her age previously but in my defence she looked older than she was.