Good evening everybody. Stop me if you think you've heard this one before...
Yes, the World's Hardest Creature is back. What is 'hard' I hear you ask and it's a very good question. Well I'm here to help by walking you through this spectacular showcase of some of the world's meanest, toughest, hardiest, angriest, cleverest creatures. All of them are hard in their own special way. An attack from any one of these could lead a bystander past the cemetery gates and leave their girlfriend in a coma... Yeah? well I'd like to see you do any better Michaela... now, where was I.
This little fellow right here didn't get past the nominations stage but I imagine that he, like many of you, will be cheering on his African namesake in this year's tournament. This time last year literally hundreds of you were sat at home thinking please, please, please let me get what I want. And finally, improbably, incredibly it happened and the Honey Badger brought home the WHC crown. Then he tried to eat it. Then he tried to hump it but that was before the watershed.
So 36 creatures were both nominated and seconded. They've been in training for months and this is their moment. They're all in the WHC paddock, ready for action and raring to go. I've just seen a Colossal Squid oscillate wildly with excitement. Four lucky losers join them in this, the first of the four group stages. The top four in each group will go through to the knockout stages. All that remains now is to introduce you to the competitors and then it's over to you. Don't panic and don't sit there thinking I want the one I can't have. Get involved. Pick a favourite. Argue your case. It's up to you.
Pull up a chair and get comfortable. Here we go...
Asian Giant Hornet - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_swallower
Our first denizen of the deep. It has a habit of roaming the deep and eating prey larger than itself. It has been known to eat fish so large that it has lost the digestion/decomposition race: the subsequent build up of gasses forcing the party fish to the surface.
Wolverine - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolverine
Another carnivore and one that occupies colder regions people can't be arsed to live in much. Although primarily a scavenger they are known to be more than useful in a scrap. Powerful for their size and known to defend their kills from larger predators. There is at least one recorded incident of a wolverine attempting to steal a black bear's lunch.
Tortoise - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tortoise
Tortoises are literally hard. They are protected from predators by their signature shell. While they are not noted for their fortitude in fight, the fact that they are the longest living land animal on earth must count for something. An Aldabra giant tortoise is thought to have lived to 255 years old. And here's a personal take. I once tried to stare out a Nigerian tortoise while lying in my garden. The little bugger charged at me and cracked me on the bridge of my nose with its carapace. Tougher than you might think.
Siberian Tiger - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siberian_tiger
The star of the Esso ads from the 70s and a part of our childhood that hasn't been tarnished yet. Inhabiting inhospitable terrain, Siberian tigers spend there days mating all year round. In winter when many species are taking it easy or shedding their summer fat, the ST ups its game and kills larger prey more often. Some tigers have been known to imitate the call of bears in order to attract them.
Poison Dart Frog - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poison_dart_frog
Actually the common name for a group of frogs sharing the same notable feature. Small and often weighing no more than an ounce, these amphibians wear their hardness on their sleeves; their bright markings warning predators away. Not only do they sit around full of poison but there is a hypothesis that they accumulate their toxicity through their diet: they eat their own poison.
Grizzly Bear - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grizzly_bear
Not just overgrown salmon eaters; grizzlies have acquired their reputation through many run-ins with mankind over the years. Not given to any tree climbing nonsense they stand their ground. It is said that the force of their bite is such that they could crush a bowling ball.
Mongoose - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongoose
At first glance, cute and cuddly but a dyed in the wool carnivore. Australia, New Zealand and the United States have banned the import of these little rascals, as even semi-domesticated rat killers have the side effect of ripping up the terrain. The Indian variety like to pick fights with cobras.
Australian Box Jellyfish - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Box_jellyfish
As Billy Connolly once remarked, 'these ******** are gift wrapped'. They don't waste their time just drifting. They get a shift on and hunt their prey. However, their fame in the Hall of Hard has been acquired after countless rumbles with humans. Transparent and with some species toxic enough to bring death within minutes, these things are nasty enough to render miles after mile of pristine beach off limits. Buggers.
Jaguar - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaguar
A carnivore partial to any one of the 87 different types of unfortunate that might cross its path, including caimans and anaconda. Its American edition has been known to polish off black bears. It has a hunting trick unique among the cat clan, whereby it pierces the prey of its brain when biting. While human fatalities are rare this beast isn't averse to mixing it with mankind.
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