Works funniest moments.

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

What's the stuff that gets you through the day. Have you ever had a David Brent boss? What colourful characters brighten up your day? Or what people have made a tit of themselves?
Couple if weeks ago at my new place of work a bloke thought he'd get a colleague back while he was having a poo, so he started making zombie groans and banging on the cubicle door. Then for good measure threw wet paper towels over, only to find it was a company director.
And when i worked in retail I found a couple having sex in the changing rooms and another time someone had taken a crap in the changing room and wiped there arse on the curtain.

 

[Jack Straw]

Both of these stories are absolutely true. Nothing added, nothing taken away.

When I was a gardener in Preston Park in the early '70s, we had just finished planting Polyanthus under a small urn in the centre of the Rose Garden pond island. We then pushed in several small bamboo canes, protruding about nine inches out of the soil, to which we meshed loads of black cotton to make a web to prevent birds eating the buds.
As we carried on working a little way away from there, we saw that a coach load of pensioners were making their uncertain way in to the rose garden down the steps from the bowling green area. It was unusal to see such a large mob of people staying so tight as a group.
One of the last old buggers in the parade suddenly stumbled forward and the domino affect followed.
A little old lady who was leading the charge at the front fell straight in to our newly planted Pollies.
A colleague and I raced over to help, only to find that she had impaled one of her legs on one of the bamboo canes.
"Are you OK?" I asked the poor old dear.
She responded as only an old person would. She sweetly smiled and uttered the classic line, "I'm eighty three!".

In the same garden on another day, we heard a strange "tap, tap, tap" sound. We looked round to see a blind person using his stick to negotiate his way across the stepping stones of the very same pond. He seemed to be doing OK, so we carried on working.
The tapping continued but then came a "splash". The poor man had fallen in to the pond. Once again, we ran over to help. When we got to the pond, the man was completely submerged and we were greeted with the site of just a white stick poking out of the water. It was like the St.Dunstans version of Excalibur.

On both occasions I can say that neither of the victims came to any great harm, although we didn't hear what happened to the lady after the ambulance took her away.

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

A guy I work with in a wheelchair driving face first into a holly bush, incredibly slowly, and painfully unintentionally.

 

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

Both of these stories are absolutely true. Nothing added, nothing taken away.

When I was a gardener in Preston Park in the early '70s, we had just finished planting Polyanthus under a small urn in the centre of the Rose Garden pond island. We then pushed in several small bamboo canes, protruding about nine inches out of the soil, to which we meshed loads of black cotton to make a web to prevent birds eating the buds.
As we carried on working a little way away from there, we saw that a coach load of pensioners were making their uncertain way in to the rose garden down the steps from the bowling green area. It was unusal to see such a large mob of people staying so tight as a group.
One of the last old buggers in the parade suddenly stumbled forward and the domino affect followed.
A little old lady who was leading the charge at the front fell straight in to our newly planted Pollies.
A colleague and I raced over to help, only to find that she had impaled one of her legs on one of the bamboo canes.
"Are you OK?" I asked the poor old dear.
She responded as only an old person would. She sweetly smiled and uttered the classic line, "I'm eighty three!".

In the same garden on another day, we heard a strange "tap, tap, tap" sound. We looked round to see a blind person using his stick to negotiate his way across the stepping stones of the very same pond. He seemed to be doing OK, so we carried on working.
The tapping continued but then came a "splash". The poor man had fallen in to the pond. Once again, we ran over to help. When we got to the pond, the man was completely submerged and we were greeted with the site of just a white stick poking out of the water. It was like the St.Dunstans version of Excalibur.

On both occasions I can say that neither of the victims came to any great harm, although we didn't hear what happened to the lady after the ambulance took her away.

Lovely stuff, both made me chuckle. You can't beat a laurel and hardy type pratfall. The shop I used to work in a women slipped on a dropped chip and fell head first into a pile of jumpers.

 

[albion534]

on a raceday up brighton racecourse, this 1 guy was so drunk at the bar, he was leaning on it, and he sneezed, at which point the force of the downward sneeze forced him to smack his head on the bar, and he managed to knock himself out with the force of the sneeze

also, we locked a worker in a cage for half hour and kept poking him with sticks.....

 

[Meade's Ball]

There's a squeaky floorboard in my office beneath a stained grey carpet that's been trod on for years. We haven't been able to trace it's location exactly, this board, because the force of a step can never be deliberate and accepted, it seems. So often someone will say "pardon me" upon it when it goes off. I do that a bit. The other week, i thought it would be amusing to let an actual fart go loose whilst i walked on the floorboard's general area, hoping the two noises would be equally high-pitched and disappear into each other, a mellifluous whiff released. Sadly, in some ways, i was wrong, and my anus, perhaps a little stretched thanks to some huge bready ploppers dropped in recent times, can only be described as baritone at best. Out flew a rather vast table-shaker that completely hid the squeak that i had actually caused in perfect unison that only i could hear. There were only a couple of lads left behind in the office at that time, so my shame was relatively low, but it still existed and it was only later that evening that i found the scenario hilarious. Only yesterday, though, as a nasty pong seemed to come through the aircon i was blamed for the odour, so it seems my gagging gag might have backfired on me in the longrun and has me forever to be labelled the doer when any odd aroma approaches a nose i am within 10 metres of. The olfactory witnesses of my guttural humour have obviously spread word.

 

[happypig]

In the eighties, I was out mending phones and I went to a place in Hollingbury. The woman opened the door and asked me in. When I got inside I noticed she was a bit upset and I asked her if she was ok. She said no, she had been filling her lighter and she'd had a bit of a blowback, and the lit cigarette in her mouth had ignited the gas cloud, giving her a sunburned look and removing her eyebrows at a stroke.
Unlike the admirable [MENTION=259]Jack Straw[/MENTION] above, I was less compassionate and started laughing at her stupidity. She said "It's not f***ing funny" but I replied "it is from here".
She then threw me out and complained to my boss.

 

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

There's a squeaky floorboard in my office beneath a stained grey carpet that's been trod on for years. We haven't been able to trace it's location exactly, this board, because the force of a step can never be deliberate and accepted, it seems. So often someone will say "pardon me" upon it when it goes off. I do that a bit. The other week, i thought it would be amusing to let an actual fart go loose whilst i walked on the floorboard's general area, hoping the two noises would be equally high-pitched and disappear into each other, a mellifluous whiff released. Sadly, in some ways, i was wrong, and my anus, perhaps a little stretched thanks to some huge bready ploppers dropped in recent times, can only be described as baritone at best. Out flew a rather vast table-shaker that completely hid the squeak that i had actually caused in perfect unison that only i could hear. There were only a couple of lads left behind in the office at that time, so my shame was relatively low, but it still existed and it was only later that evening that i found the scenario hilarious. Only yesterday, though, as a nasty pong seemed to come through the aircon i was blamed for the odour, so it seems my gagging gag might have backfired on me in the longrun and has me forever to be labelled the doer when any odd aroma approaches a nose i am within 10 metres of. The olfactory witnesses of my guttural humour have obviously spread word.

Very good, work can be a little like the school playground. 1 little slip or misdemeanour and it's continually brought up for years.
It looks like I started this thread purely to share my stories but here's another for you. This guy who I used to work with had a real attitude and looked like gollum from lord of the rings but would constantly brag about the latest "bird" he had pulled, which invariably would later turn out to be a lie. One day it seemed he was actually getting text messages from a girl. But he made the big mistake of going for a poo and leaving his phone on his bench. His text tone went off, so a few of the guys thought it would be funny to read his messages from her. Unfortunately it didnt just stop at reading. So in response to the girls text "what you doing tonight hon" mark decided to respond with " I'm putting on my spider man pj's and eating a bowl of eggs and a wank"
Funnily enough the attitude guy didn't see much of this girl after that day.

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

i was fixing a microwave in someones kitchen a few years back when a plastic ball rolled towards me.
i kicked it away, only for it to roll back again. i kicked it away again and it hit the skirting board...only to break in two.

then a rather dazed hamster ran out of it

 

[Johnnyboy]

This could run and run. So many funny things happen at work.

I worked for a Stairlift company. One of the engineers was called to a job on a Friday afternoon. He had a hot date that evening and this was his last call of the day. Getting to the job the door was opened by a young woman who told him it was her mothers Stairlift and her mother was talking to a neighbour in the garden. The daughter went to fetch her mother and the engineer had a quick look at the Stairlift. He switched it on and it drove up and down the stairs without a problem. The engineer is fuming at this point as he is going to be late for a hot date because he has travelled to a job that didn't need doing.

The daughter returns with her mother. The mother explains that although there is nothing wrong with the Stairlift she had been looking after the neighbours hampster and it had escaped and the only place they could think it was that hadn't been searched was in the workings of the Stairlift. And it was!! And it didn't survive!!

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Funniest thing I ever did see at work was when big boss was expecting a crucial call to confirm that he'd exchanged contracts on a house he'd been wrangling over for months. He returned from a meeting to find that our resident spaced out Welsh freak had randomly dumped his mobile in a cup of Bovril

 

[amexee]

Messaging my mate at work, talking about our gimpy boss, only to find out the wally was also logged on to a test machine, said boss was currently on.

That went down like a pile of shit