todays crap joke thread

[Gwylan]

2 English tourists drivin through Wales.
At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogog they stop 4 lunch.. 1 of the tourists asks the waitress, "B4 we order, could u settle an argument. Can u pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?" The girl leans over & says "burrr-gurrr-king"

Like this ...

I phoned my dealer yesterday but got the answering machine. It said "If you want to buy some marijuana, press the hash key"

... and this...

I told a long, distasteful joke whilst in the lift at work today. It was wrong on so many levels.

... and this.

High standard today

 

[Biscuit]

I told a long, distasteful joke whilst in the lift at work today. It was wrong on so many levels.

Yeah I heard that long joke this morning... it had it's ups and downs.

 

[Gwylan]

Yeah I heard that long joke this morning... it had it's ups and downs.

Personally, I wanted something more elevating

 

[Jonno]

probably been posted before but this one from Clement Freud is brilliant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvHOXiP9O_Y

 

[Alan Cundle]

The temperature in Motown is three degrees. Four, tops..

 

[Brownstuff]

Gareth Bale the other day made Maicon look like the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett shaved his missus's minge

 

[KNC]

The temperature in Motown is three degrees. Four, tops..

3 Degrees were a Philly group.

Owwwww

 

[Taybha]

On the bus home , "little amy screams Mummy Mummy , that Indian lady from our street in the opposite seat to us is dead ! " no darling shes just on standby ,how do you know that Mummy ? you can tell by the little red dot sweety .

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

I bet my butcher a tenner he wouldn't get me some meat down off his top shelf.

He said the steaks were too high.

 

[8ace]

i was sitting in a bar last night, and some fella was in there with a black top on, black shorts on and a whistle in is mouth, and i thought to myself, this cvnts gonna kick off in a minute...

 

[Kenneth Wattle]

I bought a gambling pigeon the other day. Loves a flutter.

 

[8ace]

I bought the missus some crotchless knickers for halloween - nothing sexual - just thought it would give her a bit more grip on the broomstick!

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

Who are the coolest people in the hospital?

The Ultrasound guys

Who takes over when they are on holiday?

The hip replacement team

 

[Jack Straw]

A man committed suicide by jumping in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

 

[bha25]

Roses are red
Viloits are blue
i got altsimerz
Chesse on toast

 

[Barrel of Fun]

What do you call a rubber toed Italian gent?

Roberto.


Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said, "Oo, oo, oo, aah, aah aah."

The other replied, "Well put some cold in it then."

 

[Cpt. Spavil]

Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said, "Oo, oo, oo, aah, aah aah."

The other replied, "Well put some cold in it then."

lol the best

 

[foul old ron]

Got a letter from my exorcist today.

Says if I don't pay my bill I will be repossessed.

 

[Spider]

What happened to the cannibal who arrived late to his dinner date?
He got the cold shoulder!

Thank you.

 

[cw00]

Roses are red
Viloits are blue
i got altsimerz
Chesse on toast

I bet my butcher a tenner he wouldn't get me some meat down off his top shelf.

He said the steaks were too high.