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HAILSHAM SEAGULL

Well-known member
Nov 9, 2009
10,359
Question Rico1uk....what is the grimmest town you have visited? I'd value your opinion on this one:thumbsup:

Thats an unfair question.
The Window Lickers Sunshine coach only goes 5 miles from Hartlepool because the poor fuckers up there in Slumsville can only afford to put a fivers worth of petrol in the tank

:bhasign:
 


HP Seagull

Danny Cullip: Hero
Sep 26, 2008
1,801
Hartlepool - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Hartlepool (also known as Artlepuddle) is a nuclear shitstack of a town in the North East of England. It is located on the North Sea coast and has a thriving tourist industry centred on the Hartlepool World Famous Monkey Sanctuary. The town has a fierce and eternal rivalry with the nearby town of Darlington.

History

Hartlepool was founded around 640 as a breeding ground to provide children for the Hartlepool Abbey Paedophile Colony. The best thing ever to happen to Hartlepool was its complete destruction around 800 by angry Viking invaders.

Unfortunately for the people of the North East, Hartlepool was resurrected in the Middle Ages where it became an insignificant fishing town.

In the 18th Century a noted poet of the age wrote that "nothing could be saltier and bitterer and nastier" of the waters of Hartlepool. It is now thought that he was drinking from the communal sewer, this did not stop him from bottling the stuff and selling it to London ponces as healing tonic water.

In the 18th Century the people of Hartlepool lynched and hung a monkey mistaking it for a French spy.
[edit] Employment

Hartlepudlians (also known as Pooh-lies) were once considered by nobility to be one of the best kind of peasant, hard working, short lived and stupid. This made them ideal factory workers during the industrial revolution.

Most people in Hartlepool used to work on ships and in factories, but since these methods of employment were outlawed by the Evil Thatcher Junta unemployment has risen dramatically.

The current unemployment rate of 100% is above average for the North East region. The local people like to justify their workshy nature by claiming that their refusal to work is an act of sentimentalism to their heavy-machine-handling, coal-stained ancestors, although it is apparant to anyone unfortunate enough to have met one of these so called people that they are not intelligent enough to work in the only available jobs of call centre scunners, nuclear technicians, monkey keepers or other McJobs.
[edit] Amenities

In the 20th Century Hartlepool has suffered several phases of re-development, including the construction of huge swathes of council estates, the World Famous Monkey Sanctuary, and a town centre nuclear powerstation.

Hartlepool also benefits from a cinema, five McDonald's, England's largest Jobcentre, and over two supermarkets.
[edit] Language

Like many of it's North East neighbours the town of Hartlepool has it's own language. To those unfamiliar with the nuances of Hartlepudlian it has been known to sound like a long stream of incoherent gibberish comprised of very short words like ding, rarf, doyle, shan and gash.
[edit] People
Statue of former Hartlepool MP, Andy Capp.
English peasantAdded by English peasant

Hartlepool has had a number of famous residents, including:

* Andy Capp (former MP for Hartlepool)
* H'Angus the Monkey (Current mayor of Hartlepool)
* Peter Mandelson (Mandy pandy)
* Ridley Scott (Film director)
* Jeff Stelling (Hartlepool United club mascot)
* Des Barnes (former Coronation St bloke)
* exploding trousers (from Blackadder goes Forth)
* Wincey Willis (TV AM Weather watcher)
* Meatloaf (actually couldn't find a nice enough house so decided to rent for a bit)

In 1998 Hartlepool was left out of the annual 100 shittest towns in England list. It is thought that this was an administrative oversight, although it was celebrated in streets Hartlepool. It was decided that a celebratory monument should be erected, but before it was finished the news broke that Hartlepool had been re-included in the 1999 edition of 100 shittest towns. The monument remains a half completed reminder of the futility of hope to the people of Hartlepool.

Hartlepool holds the World record for the closest nuclear reactor to an urban area, being the only place in the World to have been stupid enough to plan one in their town centre.

Despite several radioactive leaks Hartlepool won all 15 editions of the World's safest urban nuclear reactor competition between it's inception in 1969 and it's demise in 1983 due to lack of participants.
[edit] Hartlepools United

Hartlepool has had a number of football teams, however they are notoriusly difficult to tell apart as they were all called Hartlepool United. For many years football statisticians avoided confusion by grouping the clubs results under the name Hartlepools United.
[edit] Local rivalry

Hartlepool has a fierce rivalry with the nearby town of Darlington which stems from Poolie jealousy of Darlington's track record of inventing things such as the public railway and the automatic shop.

Hartlepudlians have been known to vandalise and derail trains passing through the town out of misplaced spite against Darlington. In recent years the frequency of such attacks has fallen as Poolies have gradually come to realise that trains represent their only realistic chance of getting away from Hartlepool. In recent years Poolie vandals have boarded trains to Darlington and vandalised the automatic shop instead.

During the Napoleonic Wars a French ship was wrecked off the coast of Hartlepool. All hands on board were drowned except an extremely hursuit human type creature that was washed up on shore, the locals didn't understand it's peculiar dialect and assumed it was French. A hasty trial ensued and the "Frenchman" was hung as a spy.

It was later pointed out to the Poolies that this "Frenchman" was actually the sunken ship's mascot, a chimpanzee.[1][2]

This led to people from Hartlepool being called "monkey hangers", or "chimp-chokers", especially by the residents of Darlington and Redcar.
[edit] More monkey business

Hartlepool United named their mascot as "H'Angus the Monkey" as a sick joke at the expense of the lynched primate. The people of Hartlepool then elected this man in a monkey suit as their mayor as a misconceived act of penitence for the chimp lynching. H'Angus has since been re-elected three times despite reneging on his original platform of free Bananas for all school children.

I needed that after today's result. Hilarious.
 


Bean

Registered User
Feb 13, 2010
3,557
Hove
He's 42:laugh:. Deary me.
 


brakespear

Doctor Worm
Feb 24, 2009
12,326
Sleeping on the roof
Hey dickhead, there's been some real competition over the years but you win it handsdown. I hereby award you winning prize in the: "thickest, inbred prick" award.

That sentence says more about you than you'll ever imagine. Twat.

:thumbsup:
 




richo1uk

New member
Nov 13, 2010
12
Brighton's nude beach - saw a hunky bloke naked - lovely big helmet!!
All the students who never left because they couldn't make it in the real world. Now they pretend to be left wing tree-huggers and live in Hanover, but in fact they are boring, small minded fascists. It's rubbish and totally overrated and everybody is so smug and self satisfied. Hopefully the cuts in the public sector will mean that most of the pen pushing civil service do-gooders will be hurled onto the dole and have to move out of the town along with all the boring psuedo-hippies because they won't be able to afford the rent.
There's a lot of generalising from decidedly non-local people on this page.
too many students and non english speakers. this means that born and bred Brightonians cannot get work or find accomodation. brighton people should have priority over incomers when it comes to Council/Housing Assoc.allocations. basically there are too many people in this town, and the infrastructure is unable to cope
mz7zwG uineafdljcds, rtbttidnoyfd, [
The chip on the shoulder about London that Brightonians have. It borders on the comical.
when its windy on the beach
Brighton is full of junkies, tramps and hoodies just like any other provincial city. Hove to the West is full of middle aged estate agents and their bottle blonde, big haired, false boobed wives driving round in jeeps with blacked out windows thinking they look like gangsters. Don't buy into the hype - it's a toilet.
Brighton has many beauty spots ,with carparks but because of the so called dogging scene , if you now park near the devils dyke , in one of the parking areas , it is not safe , perverts prowl these areas , not safe for children, police are aware, be warned.
Having visited Brighton for the first time last week, I found it the most dissapointing town I've ever visited. Not the worst, just don't believe the hype about this place. It's like any other town except it happens to have a beach and a more appropriate name for it would be Hemel Hempstead on Sea.The parking is the most abissmal of any town I've visited and the majority of shops and eateries are a complete rip off. In fact this is capital of Britain rip off town. The pubs and clubs are decidedly average and full of chavs.
Too many:- Tramps, Taxes, Traffic Wardens and Tourists!
Contributors to Knowhere Brighton referring to the area roughly bounded by Trafalgar Street, Grand Parade/Old Steine, North Street and Queens Road as 'the north lanes' or �northern lanes' or even 'north laines'. The name of the area is �North Laine�. The area has nothing to do with The Lanes to the south and is certainly not a northern counterpart to it. The word laine has nothing to do a lane, a road, a path or a street. Laine is a 17th century term for field. In the days before ignorant folk determined to submit comments about their own town on a website North Laine simply meant the north field. As I suppose it still does. Come on, call yourself local. I�ve only lived here for a year, and I know this.
the seafront in winter too cold!!!
The Brighton Charter Hotel. Up four flights of ridiculously steep stairs only to find a bed so saggy it's like hippos have been shagged by rhinos on it nightly for the past 20 years. Whip off the sheets and encounter a mattress more full of sperm than Ulrika Jonnson. Seriously there must have been DNA from thousands of people right there. I was afraid I'd get pregnant sleeping on it - and I'm a man. Woke up in the middle of the night to find rainwater coming through the roof onto me. The bath running full tilt produced only a trickle of lukewarm water. Still, it gave me plenty of time to look at the shit caked all over the toilet bowl right next to the bath - not surprising really as there was no toilet brush. Dirty crockery sat festering on broken furniture blocking up communal dusty hallways. Staff were totally uninterested in any of the above, or, indeed, life, by the look of their zombie eyes. Breakfast was totally cack too. Sullen minge of a waitress refused to take uncooked fried egg back and bring me a cooked one. In conclusion, AVOID THIS FESTERING SHAGHEAP.
Wine
brighton in the winter may be one of the worst things on the planet, theres nothing more depressing than a sea side town in the winter
The horrendous expense of the place. It is more expensive than London to drink, eat out, etc. THIS AINT RIGHT. I blame the wave of dull white collar workers who moved here because they couldn't hack living in London.
Chavs seem to be rather abundant in central town...
The average aged 25 year-olds who think they know it all; drinking their livers into oblivion: let them look in the mirror in 30 years... Posers at pavement tables (enjoying the vehicle fumes outside Barney's in Western Road) and another lot of plonkers paying over the odds in the North Laines cafes... Karaoke drunks piercing the night air and drunken 40-something men shouting bravado remarks as women walk by. unsmiling, and I MEAN to the point rudeness shop assistants who shouldn't be let near the public: this town takes the biscuit. All the fakers in the pretend 'alternative' therapies (Taro cards et al) who are up their own arse without any real knowledge but ripping off the gullible public who need a quick fix: these people should be regulated.
The gangs of chavs that hang around West Pier at night.
Black bin bags left out for the seagull to make a mess with; not good.
CHAVS !
The walk up the hill to the station from Churchill Square where the buses seem to stop... especially in winter
Having a partner who thinks it's great and wants to visit every weekend.
Finding a place to live and rental prices!
the labour conference the council seagulls ripping all the trash up the bolshevic bin men the council dfl's ('down from london' pronounced as scumbagly as you can)
going out friday and saturday when all the chavs decend on the town
traffic wardens, and the council for introducing the most agressive parking control in the country. theres just no need for it.
The seagulls
townies, they just create pointless trouble and look like idiots, trouser too short for them, all wear hats TN?? whats that about?? (Total Nobs)! they si around all day smokin theyre stupid fags and wearin the most expensive repulsive clothes imaginable, dudes chill
centre of town on a Friday or Saturday night-drunken idiots throwing up everywhere.
Regardless of this deadend seaside town being rewarded city status. It is actually a inbred shit hole! It consists of small minded racist tossers who give Dick Van Dyke a run for his money on fake cockney accents. Decpred pensioners who are a constant pain in the backside. Fatboy Slim The Education authorities are secret members of the Nazi party, get the point. The girls are the biggest tacky tarts you will ever see.
pricks and prickettes
Stuck up locals and students with their heads up their own arses. Too much traffic and locals who can't drive.
empty shops opposite st peters london road
The Brighton Charter Hotel One bathroom on each floor and someone had decided to have a cr*p in the bath. There was urine stains on the carpet in our room and semen on the bed covers. All for the fantastic price of 60 quid a night, oh yeah and they had the cheek to ask us to sign a declaration that we wouldnt smash our room up. Looked like someone had beaten us to it when we opened the door...
All the tosspots who move there to study because they think it makes them alternative and interesting, as though they're living in a UK San Fran, with every intention of getting a nice safe job a mortgage and a couple of grandchildren for your darling parents.
Move to Brighton and work for �4 an hour with some late twenty something ex-graduate failed DJ/Actress because there are no decent jobs as big companies locate all their call centres there because the town is full of losers who only aspire to earn enough to pay for their squalid room in a shared slum, travis haircuts, beer and rizla papers.
Yuppies and their expensive habits.
Mondays
wetherspoons
west street saturday night bish bash bosh Barbies and kens
the vagrents
too many townie bastards!
Brighton has a reputation for two types of people: Gays and Tramps. You wouldn't notice any gays except for the Gay Pride festival every summer - it's not in your face like some people fear it would be. However there are bloody homeless people everywhere - I don't mind people who don't have a place to live but when they LINE THE !$#%ING STREETS asking me for money or parade up and down Western Road shouting abuse you start to wonder why the dogs haven't been called in. Also there are simply too many Big Issue sellers and people petitioning for money up North Street and Western road.
The tourists!
the down under hostel near the beach...as an australian tourist, i refute it completely as unrepresentative. full of the neds we send back to mother's hairy arm-pits...and what's more russell crowe is a kiwi!
Moulscombb. Its f***ing disgusting. The rotting council houses filled with pikeys who set fire to the police station and any passer by very frequantly are bloody mouldy. My gran lived 2 miles from it and now has to have councilling just because she walked near it a few times. Knock it down please, the whole estate was built in the 20s/30s and has been neglected ever since. And its only on the outskirts of town!
Fighting and drunk lads tussling on West Street at eleven on a Saturday night.
the fact that your partner will go there a nice normal person , become obsessed with the place for some unknown reason, become an alcoholic, develop homosexual tendancies and eventually dump you for some scummy minger because they are as deluded as each other that it is the best place in the universe. SAD!!
-The freshers -The water, unswimmable!
stupid f***ing groupies of the Levellers whos biggest dream is only to move to Brighton (because the levellers live here) and only then will they be "cool". Shoot them on entry, PLEASE!!!!!!!!
The townies looking for a fight on a saturday night!
Constantly getting stopped in the street by people collecting for charity,aggressive beggars, market researchers etc. Try getting a cab after 6 in the evening Fri to Sun. House prices/rent
Fake Irish pubs.
The council Parking in Brighton No Hungry Years No HVR
Seagulls. Students who actually left uni 5yrs before. Boy racers.
"S.I.T.A " the compant Brighton Council employ for rubbish collection - take a tip from the Continent - Shouldn't we invest in nightly street washing. Seagulls- open shooting season should be declared.
Brighton is a dirty, filthy place, with dirty, filthy people; a never-ending collection of crusties, drop-outs, drunks, beggars and worst of all, those people who were students once and have now decided they're going to be students forever - get a life! Ten years ago, Brighton was a nice, clean place - now the streets are littered with filth, rubbish and general scum. Brighton in the anus of the UK: all the sh*t ends up there, before dropping out. Move to an inner-city, northern location - it's cleaner and nicer, and there's no filthy people messing up the street as they stay at home (too scared to go out in case they get beaten up for being scum - good!!).
New Stein and Regency Square hotels all full up most summer Sats Suns. Even more full up during a triple conference week. Beach totally empty when skies are overcast
Hotels all full up all summer every Saturday Sunday. Big shortage of hotel space rest of time too unless you want to spend a grand.
Zel pubs. Full of vacuous Brighton trendies, and there are virtually no other pubs left.
dog shit - everywhere
damm tourists!!
an unending number of 'Big Issue' sellers and a very sex mad amosphere means if your girlfriend goes there she wont come back
Trying to rent a flat in Brighton or Hove off Satanic Estate agents.
Pollution on a hot Summer's day - and bird shit.
:lolol:
 


richo1uk

New member
Nov 13, 2010
12
ps admin wot a wank stain ur showing one of my emails lol havent u heard of blocking lol 3-1
 


richo1uk

New member
Nov 13, 2010
12
oh and i believe by showing my email your breaking site laws ty for the evidence :)
 






HAILSHAM SEAGULL

Well-known member
Nov 9, 2009
10,359
I feel another Jamie thread building, come on techi guys, sort it out.
 


fire&skill

Killer-Diller
Jan 17, 2009
4,296
Shoreham-by-Sea
Hartlepool

sm_6758_633287752832944685.jpg


The City of Brighton & Hove

brighton-the-lanes.jpg
 














HAILSHAM SEAGULL

Well-known member
Nov 9, 2009
10,359
He probably already subscribes to them
 












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