tell me a joke

[steward 433]

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.

They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

5/10

 

[steward 433]

Clinton Morrisons new Croydon mansion

10/10

 

[steward 433]

Man goes into a Doctors...

Dr: How can I help you today?

Man: I don't know why, but I think I'm a moth.

Dr: You need to go & see I psychiatrist! Why did you come in here & waste my valuable time?

Man: Oh, your light was on.

*Taxi for one*

4/10 very poor

 

[steward 433]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white , and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Will need to send extra sauce!!!!

8/10

 

[steward 433]

Heres a Blonde joke.

A Blonde, a Brunette and a black haired girl go into a bar. On the bar counter is a placard that says 'speak the truth and you shall live'.

The Brunette goes up to the counter and says ' I am the cleverest girl in the world' and she dies.

Next, the black haired girl goes up to the counter and sayss ' I am the prettiest girl in the world' and she dies.

Finally, the blonde haired girl goes up to the counter. She says' I think..' and she dies.

8.5/10 wife was blonde when i first met her

 

[steward 433]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word toilet at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted....

8/10

 

[steward 433]

Three honeymoon couples in adjoining hotel rooms.

First couple getting ready for bed, wife takes all her clothes off. 'What massive tits you've got' says the husband. Wife is offended and sends him out onto the balcony.

Second couple getting undressed. Husband says 'What a huge arse you've got'. His wife also gets upset and sends him out onto the balcony.

The two blokes are out on their balconies when the door flies open and the third husband is sent outside. 'Did you put your foot in it?' one of them asks. 'No, but I reckon I could have done' he says.

9/10

 

[steward 433]

A teacher in a school in South London says to the class 'Anyone that supports Crystal Palace please stand up.' Everyone in the class stands up except one boy. The teacher goes over to the boy and asks why he is not standing up.
The boy replys 'I dont support palace I support Brighton Sir' the teacher then asks why he supports Brighton, the boy tells him that its because his Mum and Dad do. The teacher then says 'You dont need to copy everything your Mum and Dad do you know?! If your Mum was a prostitute and your Dad was a robber would you copy them then?'
The boy replys 'No, then I would be a palace fan.'

10/10

 

[footychick]

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
Outlaws are wanted.

 

[perseus]

We have had this one before. The luscious chick who insists on wearing a Pompey shirt in bed. What do you do?

 

[perseus]

A teacher in a school in South London says to the class 'Anyone that supports Crystal Palace please stand up.' Everyone in the class stands up except one boy. The teacher goes over to the boy and asks why he is not standing up.
The boy replys 'I dont support palace I support Brighton Sir' the teacher then asks why he supports Brighton, the boy tells him that its because his Mum and Dad do. The teacher then says 'You dont need to copy everything your Mum and Dad do you know?! If your Mum was a prostitute and your Dad was a robber would you copy them then?'
The boy replys 'No, then I would be a palace fan.'

If you live in a glass house, don't throw stones !

 

[imissworthing2]

whats black and slides down Nelsons column........................................Winnie mandela

Ricky gervais(2002)

 

[clapham_gull]

A man goes to the doctors with a snake stuck up his arse.

The doctor tell him to insert an apple, an orange then a doughnut up his arse once a day, for seven days.

The snake still refuses to budge so the man returns to the doctors.

The doctor prescribes another week of the apple, orange and doughnut treatment.

Still the snake won't move, so the doctor advises the man to follow the same treatment, but only to insert an apple and an orange

The man goes home, inserts the apple and the orange up his arse....

The snake jumps out and says "oi, where's my f***ing doughnut ?"

Sorry terrible...

 

[Alex Alex Dawson oo! oo!]

A man goes to the doctors with a snake stuck up his arse.

The doctor tell him to insert an apple, an orange then a doughnut up his arse once a day, for seven days.

The snake still refuses to budge so the man returns to the doctors.

The doctor prescribes another week of the apple, orange and doughnut treatment.

Still the snake won't move, so the doctor advises the man to follow the same treatment, but only to insert an apple and an orange

The man goes home, inserts the apple and the orange up his arse....

The snake jumps out and says "oi, where's my f***ing doughnut ?"

Sorry terrible...

As is the rugby club variant involving a tapeworm, chocolate eclair and a large hammer.

 

[Skidmarks]

There's a Cannibal standing next to a pile of shit looking rather depressed , a man walks up to him and asks "why the long face?" he replies " I've just dumped my girlfriend".

 

[SJ's Love Monkey]

Frank Lampard has asked Didier Drogba not to attend his Mother's funeral as he doesn't want him diving in the box!

 

[Normal Rob]

Frank Lampard has asked Didier Drogba not to attend his Mother's funeral as he doesn't want him diving in the box!

**** me. That's a red card offence!

 

[SJ's Love Monkey]

**** me. That's a red card offence!

Not great is it

 

[FalmerforAll!**]

Jack, Alex and Fred are washed up on a desert island. They are taken to the leader by the habitants of the island, who tells them to have their lives spared they must collect ten of one fruit and bring it back to him.

Jack brings berries, and the leader tells him to shove each one up his arse without showing any emotion, or he will be killed. The man can only manage five before crying out in pain and is killed.

Alex also brings berries, and is set the same task. He manages 8 berries, but as he goes to put the ninth in, he bursts out laughing and is killed.

Jack and Alex meet up in heaven, and Jack says to Alex 'Why did you laugh? You could easily have managed two more."
Alex replies "I couldn't help it, just before I took the ninth, I saw Rhys coming with pineapples."

 

[sod1]

Enid and Fred are both residents in the same old
folk's home and have become friends over
afternoon tea dances.One day while dancing Enid
remarks that she hasn't had sex since the death
of her husband 15 years before. Fred volunteers
that his sexlife has also been somewhat arid
since the death of his wife 10 years previously.
One thing leads to another and Enid invites Fred
to her room. While disrobing Enid says "before
we go any further I think I ought to tell you that I
have acute angina", Fred responds "well that's
lucky 'cos you've got 'orrible tits."