steward 433
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tell me a joke
- Thread starter steward 433
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Jake Manthorpe
You anoy me
i scored a 8 
im happy with that!
im happy with that!Jake Manthorpe
You anoy me
Kukev31
New member
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Steven Hawkings after a house fire.
Steven Hawkings after a house fire.
Kukev31
New member
Have you heard about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned into a field.
It went down the lane and turned into a field.
Gully
Monkey in a seagull suit.
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
Tom Hark Preston Park
Will Post For Cash
- Jul 6, 2003
- 72,391
Steve McClaren to summarize for BBC in the Euros! 
Twinkle Toes
Growing old disgracefully
Man goes into a Doctors...
Dr: How can I help you today?
Man: I don't know why, but I think I'm a moth.
Dr: You need to go & see I psychiatrist! Why did you come in here & waste my valuable time?
Man: Oh, your light was on.
*Taxi for one*
Dr: How can I help you today?
Man: I don't know why, but I think I'm a moth.
Dr: You need to go & see I psychiatrist! Why did you come in here & waste my valuable time?
Man: Oh, your light was on.
*Taxi for one*
Lankyseagull
One Step Beyond
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white , and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Will need to send extra sauce!!!!
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white , and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Will need to send extra sauce!!!!
Tom Hark Preston Park
Will Post For Cash
- Jul 6, 2003
- 72,391
Man goes into a Doctors...
Dr: How can I help you today?
Man: I don't know why, but I think I'm a dog.
Dr: OK, just get up on the couch
Man: I'm not allowed on the couch.
Dr: How can I help you today?
Man: I don't know why, but I think I'm a dog.
Dr: OK, just get up on the couch
Man: I'm not allowed on the couch.
SeagullRic
New member
Heres a Blonde joke.
A Blonde, a Brunette and a black haired girl go into a bar. On the bar counter is a placard that says 'speak the truth and you shall live'.
The Brunette goes up to the counter and says ' I am the cleverest girl in the world' and she dies.
Next, the black haired girl goes up to the counter and sayss ' I am the prettiest girl in the world' and she dies.
Finally, the blonde haired girl goes up to the counter. She says' I think..' and she dies.
A Blonde, a Brunette and a black haired girl go into a bar. On the bar counter is a placard that says 'speak the truth and you shall live'.
The Brunette goes up to the counter and says ' I am the cleverest girl in the world' and she dies.
Next, the black haired girl goes up to the counter and sayss ' I am the prettiest girl in the world' and she dies.
Finally, the blonde haired girl goes up to the counter. She says' I think..' and she dies.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other 'how the hell do you drive these things?'
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word toilet at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted....
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word toilet at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted....
andybaha
Active member
Three honeymoon couples in adjoining hotel rooms.
First couple getting ready for bed, wife takes all her clothes off. 'What massive tits you've got' says the husband. Wife is offended and sends him out onto the balcony.
Second couple getting undressed. Husband says 'What a huge arse you've got'. His wife also gets upset and sends him out onto the balcony.
The two blokes are out on their balconies when the door flies open and the third husband is sent outside. 'Did you put your foot in it?' one of them asks. 'No, but I reckon I could have done' he says.
First couple getting ready for bed, wife takes all her clothes off. 'What massive tits you've got' says the husband. Wife is offended and sends him out onto the balcony.
Second couple getting undressed. Husband says 'What a huge arse you've got'. His wife also gets upset and sends him out onto the balcony.
The two blokes are out on their balconies when the door flies open and the third husband is sent outside. 'Did you put your foot in it?' one of them asks. 'No, but I reckon I could have done' he says.
Burgess Hill Seagulls
hmmmm...
A teacher in a school in South London says to the class 'Anyone that supports Crystal Palace please stand up.' Everyone in the class stands up except one boy. The teacher goes over to the boy and asks why he is not standing up.
The boy replys 'I dont support palace I support Brighton Sir' the teacher then asks why he supports Brighton, the boy tells him that its because his Mum and Dad do. The teacher then says 'You dont need to copy everything your Mum and Dad do you know?! If your Mum was a prostitute and your Dad was a robber would you copy them then?'
The boy replys 'No, then I would be a palace fan.'
The boy replys 'I dont support palace I support Brighton Sir' the teacher then asks why he supports Brighton, the boy tells him that its because his Mum and Dad do. The teacher then says 'You dont need to copy everything your Mum and Dad do you know?! If your Mum was a prostitute and your Dad was a robber would you copy them then?'
The boy replys 'No, then I would be a palace fan.'
steward 433
Back and better
- Thread starter
- #39
steward 433
Back and better
- Thread starter
- #40
8/10 heard many times before but still funny