Student Graduation Ball speech - joke needed

[John Bumlick]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?






































A pilot, you racist b'stards.

 

[AK74]

This bloke said to me, "I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar." I said, "Is that a fret?"

(c) Tim Vine

 

[Bold Seagull]

Making this speech reminds me of how nervous I was when I had to recite the Lords Prayer in front of the whole school and I forgot the words. That taught me a valuable lesson in always writing things down [look down at speech cards, look up with a pause] Our father, who......

 

[BBassic]

It's been hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about

And now I have a line to use on friends I haven't seen for a while when they ask "how have you been?"

 

[crodonilson]

“NASA decided they’d finally send a man up in a capsule after sending only monkeys in the earlier missions,”

“They fire the man and the monkey into space.

“The intercom crackles, 'Monkey, fire the retros.'

“A little later, 'Monkey, check the solid fuel supply.'

“Later still, “Monkey, check the life support systems for the man.'

“The astronaut takes umbrage and radioes NASA, 'When do I get to do something?'

“NASA replies, 'In 15 minutes - feed the monkey.'”

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

What time does Sean Connery like to arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

 

[Mo Gosfield]

A chap was out playing golf with friends one day and played a wild shot, deep into the woods. " You'll never find that ball " said his mates but he trotted off and came back with it in his hand. " That's amazing " they said..." How did you find it ?...." Simple " he replied, " This ball lets off a bleeping noise, when it is hidden in undergrowth, allowing me to locate it "
On the next hole, he drove straight into the lake and the ball sunk without trace. " Bad luck " said his friends, " You'd better play another ball "...." No, wait a minute " he said and to their amazement, the ball popped back up onto the surface of the lake and floated to the bank. " How did it do that? " they asked...." It's got an inbuilt flotation device " he said. " That's incredible " said his mates, " You actually have a ball that is impossible to lose "..." where on earth did you get it from? "
" I found it " he said.

 

[Normal Rob]

What's a pirates favourite letter?

(after the inevitable Arrrrgghhhh)

Arrrrgghhhh you might think that, but their first love is the c.

 

[Moshe Gariani]

You've got to do an after dinner speech TONIGHT and you're on North Stand Chat asking for gags....

#Pray4Moshe

Thanks TCT... Luckily, given the quality of mirth making material on here, I actually spent the afternoon writing a proper speech ...

I might try the monkeys in the bath though.

 

[Easy 10]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist b'stards.

Thats the winner.

 

[Paul Reids Sock]

Thanks TCT... Luckily, given the quality of mirth making material on here, I actually spent the afternoon writing a proper speech ...

I might try the monkeys in the bath though.

How did it go Moshe?

Did they laugh, did they cry? Or did they leave?