Student Graduation Ball speech - joke needed

[Moshe Gariani]

I have the unenviable task of making an after dinner speech tonight.

Some preparations have been made regarding comedic "Awards", an "Alternative Graduation Check" of satirical progression criteria and a sideways look back at some of their UCAS application personal statements ("good oral skills", "captain of the school speed stacking team" etc).

I am not a gifted joke teller but if I had one SUREFIRE WINNER OF A JOKE that not even I could mess up then I would like to include it...

Can NSC deliver...? (or only chicken and beef...)

 

[Wardy's twin]

the biggest joke (not best) is that students are walking away with£40k of debt and poor job prospects....stop the nonsense

 

[Moshe Gariani]

the biggest joke (not best) is that students are walking away with£40k of debt and poor job prospects....stop the nonsense

Yeah, thanks, that might dampen the mood a bit....

For what its worth, and if you want to hijack the thread, the vast majority of our graduates will not regret for one second taking up their opportunity to go to university. It isn't all about walking straight into a great job (although some of them do).

 

[Titanic]

I think [MENTION=31]El Presidente[/MENTION] might be your man here Moshe... depending on how attached to your current post you are?

 

[Moshe Gariani]

I think [MENTION=31]El Presidente[/MENTION] might be your man here Moshe...

Let's hope so. At the moment I'm going to have to run with "Farmer Gheddon" ....

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

You've got to do an after dinner speech TONIGHT and you're on North Stand Chat asking for gags....

#Pray4Moshe

 

[dazzer6666]

the biggest joke (not best) is that students are walking away with£40k of debt and poor job prospects....stop the nonsense

'You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate. So now you’re leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives: moving back in with your parents'

 

[Titanic]

'You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate. So now you’re leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives: moving back in with your parents'

Like many students... I rather suspect you have resorted to Google when seeking words of wisdom!

 

[Taybha]

Two Monkeys 1 clever 1 not so clever , sat in the bath , the not so clever monkey at the tap end says OO OO OO OO AH AH AH AH AH OO OO AH AH AH OO OO OO AH AH , the clever Monkey at the other end says FFS Kev if its that hot put some more cold water in the bloody bath .

(please note this is not that funny unless you actually make the OO OO AH AH noises like a monkey would

 

[jameswestport]

It's been hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about

 

[Buzzer]

I've got a racing snail and to make it go faster I took off it's shell but if anything it's just made it more sluggish.

 

[Nathan]

Bernard Righton joke;

How many refugees* can you fit in a Mini? Four adults and one small child, providing you have the correct safety seat fitted.

*his original joke said Pakistanis.

 

[FatSuperman]

Personally, once I leave here I'll be going back home to my parents place for a while. On the one hand I'm looking forward to seeing them again, but on the other I really don't want to face the locals from the village.

Over the summer holiday last year, I spent my days fixing all of the fences in the village. Did they call me fence-fixer Moshe? No. I also spent a lot of time weeding gardens for the neighbours. Did they call me gardener Moshe? No! I ****ed ONE goat...

 

[KZNSeagull]

Bernard Righton joke;

How many refugees* can you fit in a Mini? Four adults and one small child, providing you have the correct safety seat fitted.

*his original joke said Pakistanis.

What's the punchline?

 

[Triggaaar]

It's been hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about

love it

 

[Miximate]

I once started a speech (where I had been rather nervous) by saying "This isn't the first warm seat I've risen from today"

 

[Uncle Buck]

Congratulations to the Cambridge University Netball Team?

(stolen from a REMF quiz team name).

 

[Triggaaar]

I once started a speech (where I had been rather nervous) by saying "This isn't the first warm seat I've risen from today"

Yes, lots of people have.

 

[Easy 10]

My girlfriend got sick of my obsession with cop shows, and said we should split up.

"Good idea" I said. "We can cover more ground that way".

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

Not so much a joke but I good line.

Your journey has only just begun. Your graduation is undoubtedly a cause for celebration of success but remember this is just the beginning, not he end. You have just completed the first semester at the University of Life.

Partial credit to a Churchill speech about the end of the beginning, not the beginning of the end. Useful for wedding / best man stuff too.