Same line, every time, never funny.

[Lammy]

I hate beggars who ask "Any spare change?". I mean, yeah mate I've got shit loads of spare money I just can't find a use for, do us a favour and take some of it off my hands will ya. Twat.
I actually once said to a particularly smelly tramp, "Sorry mate I haven't any spare change but I could do with some, do you have any spare?". He gave me 5p bless him.

My reply is always "no such thing!"

But then I am a tight fisted mean bastard.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Another favourite is to take any wrapped present, shake it, and say "well it's not a jigsaw puzzle".

and if it rattles...."Well it's not a pair of socks"

 

[Simster]

Standing crap joke in our family when giving a present is to say "oh it's a CD" when it blatently isn't a CD sized or shaped present.

Absolute toss, but all of us embarrassingly take part.

 

[daveyboybhafc2]

when im at work in the pub, and there's two people standing together, one getting served, I ask the other one, 'are you together or you waiting?' Every time they find it hilarious to say 'errr yea mate but were not gay or nuffink' as if i've never heard it before i also get the one about the notes when they say just printed it this morning.

 

[Virgo's Haircut]

When I'm at work. Not so much funny, but f***ing irritating.

I'm standing at lets say, Worthing station, and on the screen it says the 1410 to Brighton is cancelled. Also at the same time an announcement is being made telling the passengers that the said train is cancelled.

Then some goon pipes up. "Is the 1410 cancelled then?"

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

One of my old mans favourite lines is "if your daughter wants to learn to drive - don't stand in her way".

With my daughter approaching her first lessons - I am looking forward to using that line. A lot.

 

[crasher]

Me and Mrs Crasher will plead guilty to the following..

Whenever one of us has been on the phone for about half-an-hour (especially if the conversation has been loud or raucous) it is traditional for the other one to look up at the end of the call and ask: "Wrong number?"

I'm not proud of this.

 

[Virgos Magician]

When I'm at work. Not so much funny, but f***ing irritating.

I'm standing at lets say, Worthing station, and on the screen it says the 1410 to Brighton is cancelled. Also at the same time an announcement is being made telling the passengers that the said train is cancelled.

Then some goon pipes up. "Is the 1410 cancelled then?"

happened to me the other day. Some bloke goes "Is the train to Littlehampton cancelled? (Yes) Oh how am i gonna get home then"

I turned to him and said thanks for sharing wat everyone else is thinking

 

[Lady Whistledown]

I bet plenty of you on here have had a few beers on a Friday night and then, when walking past a couple of coppers with your mates, felt the uncontrollable urge to shout (in pretending-to-whisper way)

"Oi, officer, it's this one you're looking for" (pointing to mate)

"Quick, hide the drugs"

"'Officer, if I get myself arrested, will you give me a lift homehahahah?"

etc etc

Gets me every time...

 

[Easy 10]

Some people seem incapable of giving an injection without warning: "now, you might just feel a little prick".

Oh my sides.

 

[O Lads]

Re: Re: Same line, every time, never funny.

WHAT?

NSC only EXISTS to constantly repeat predictable unfunny lines. I'm thinking, oh, off the top of me head:

- 'Ringtones'
- 'Fixtures'
- 'Ive always been a staunch supporter of Mark McGhee but...'
- 'Lets all get behind the team next saturday'
- 'Reality Check'
- 'That really shit player, the dud signing, hes One For The Future'

Who would have it any other way?

What about Kanchelskis

 

[Goring Gull]

Not so much a joke but damned annoying. You ask someone for something say a membership number or car reg - "I thought you'd ask for that ha ha ha!" then they haven't got the details or spend the next 5 minutes looking. If i ever win the lottery i will turn round to them and say " so if you knew i wanted it why the fcuk haven't you bothered to find out what it is before phoning you fecking gimp?"

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Whenever I open any card of any sort I hold it open, shake it and say "oh you forgot to put the money on it"

I know it's not funny but I cant help but say it

 

[Lord Cornwallis]

I crack myself up when I go into the dollar store and keep asking the price of things, some times it takes forever to wind them up.

 

[BensGrandad]

On here when people put

'we are punching above our weight'

We won the play offs at Cardiff and are in this division as a right not as a benevolent gift and as such we are entitled to be here and to have a go at staying in this division.

 

[Titanic]

Old people who repeat themselves at regular intervals... but it would seem a bit harsh to point it out all the time, so you just nod and listen and think 'I hope they shoot me if I get like that!'

 

[NMH]

I used to have a boss who had a standard joke that he thought was hilarious. If ever you had the misfortune to be stood next to him in the gents, he would inevitably say 'So this is where the big nobs hang out'. You could tell that he thought he was a comedy genius. I always wanted to correct him and tell him that he was a big prick, but didn't fancy being dismissed.

Do any other NSCers have a friend, colleague, family member who has a constantly repeated, predictable, unfunny line?

Perhaps he only said it because he knew you were too wussy to respond, and that you would, as it 'appens, give that fake laugh that says "I would like to suck your willy, sir".

It could be that your old boss was embarrassed to be in a toilet with someone who he wanted to shag up the arse.

 

[Sheikh Gull of Abu Dhabi]

All of the above is good.

What would the world be like without them?

On a scale of nought to one....I'd give 'er one - is my most used quip!

Howard and Hilda in Ever Decreasing Circles - I'm home, whose home? Our home!

Wrong number gag - Ade Edmonson in Mr Jolly lives next door

It is all good. It is all good