[Humour] Recreate the Match-day Experience Whilst Watching the Game on Telly!

[GOM]

Blimey, the nostalgia.

I so cannot wait to do all the above for real again, such happy memories.

 

[Bry Nylon]

After the game I re-arrange the chairs in the dining room to resemble a train carriage. The kids and I stand at the end of the room and squash our faces up against the patio doors for twenty minutes whilst all the chairs remain unused and empty.

 

[banjo]

I get the big fat bald bloke next door to pat me down prior to entering the stadium (lounge).

 

[driller]

I went to bookers especially to buy instant hot chocolate cups
Does this make me sad

 

[RossyG]

Why just stop at the Amex? Why not recreate the Selhurst away experience in your own home too? Here’s how...

Draw a picture of how you’d like your house to look if you had millions of pounds to spend, but don’t make any improvements at all. Make sure your house remains the hovel it is.

Get your son to put on a black hoody, beat his drum monotonously for 90 minutes, and drone, “eee-ooooh-ahhh-oooooh”.

Rename your lounge after a former Palace player, then get the player to park in your driveway and have a Tommy Tank when your wife and daughter walk by.

Fill your basement with an inch of piss and install a trough to wee in at half time.

Lower your ceiling so it covers the top of the TV screen and install a metal post that further blocks your view.

After the game, get the local copper to walk you two miles to the station while neighbours throw empty Fanta bottles at you.

 

[Is it PotG?]

Phone your neighbour, ask him to stand in his garden periodically screaming 'STEPHENS FFS'.

 

[*Gullsworth*]

This thread is brilliant.....pure gold already....it also has the opposite effect you would imagine and it doesn't ask the question ' why do you go to games?' It just reinforces what we are missing. Example being going to the urine drenched floors at half time. The faces of the supporters are a joy to witness. The misery on the faces if we are losing, the joy of the happy smiling faces if we are (occasionally) winning. Blow me I miss that atmosphere.

 

[AmexRuislip]

Why just stop at the Amex? Why not recreate the Selhurst away experience in your own home too? Here’s how...

Draw a picture of how you’d like your house to look if you had millions of pounds to spend, but don’t make any improvements at all. Make sure your house remains the hovel it is.

Get your son to put on a black hoody, beat his drum monotonously for 90 minutes, and drone, “eee-ooooh-ahhh-oooooh”.

Rename your lounge after a former Palace player, then get the player to park in your driveway and have a Tommy Tank when your wife and daughter walk by.

Fill your basement with an inch of piss and install a trough to wee in at half time.

Lower your ceiling so it covers the top of the TV screen and install a metal post that further blocks your view.

After the game, get the local copper to walk you two miles to the station while neighbours throw empty Fanta bottles at you.

The Sheila Nipperley lounge you mean

 

[A1X]

If you're living with someone else make sure you sit a little too close to them next to each other, and every time either of you wants to go to the loo / kitchen you both have to stand up and shuffle past each other muttering "sorry...thanks...sorry". Every 4th or 5th go one of you has to kick something over.

 

[Icy Gull]

Eat a rancid burger about 30 mins before kick off and fill your room with a nice meaty fart and look around innocently

 

[The Rattler]

Why just stop at the Amex? Why not recreate the Selhurst away experience in your own home too? Here’s how...

Draw a picture of how you’d like your house to look if you had millions of pounds to spend, but don’t make any improvements at all. Make sure your house remains the hovel it is.

Get your son to put on a black hoody, beat his drum monotonously for 90 minutes, and drone, “eee-ooooh-ahhh-oooooh”.

Rename your lounge after a former Palace player, then get the player to park in your driveway and have a Tommy Tank when your wife and daughter walk by.

Fill your basement with an inch of piss and install a trough to wee in at half time.

Lower your ceiling so it covers the top of the TV screen and install a metal post that further blocks your view.

After the game, get the local copper to walk you two miles to the station while neighbours throw empty Fanta bottles at you.

... make sure the local copper insists you get on a train going in the wrong direction


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Questions]

Tell your neighbour in the house near to you that he is a cxnt and to fckk off and support Palace or you’ll knock the **** out., and then wait for someone in authority to arrive and talk with you. ( Accept your 3 match ban from the club with good grace)

 

[Eeyore]

Be mindful of how small movements can alter the course of a match in which Albion are winning (away match- don't worry about home games).

Only make yourself a drink if the previous incident didn't result in a goal for the opposition.

Do not adjust yourself on the settee if the opposition are attacking.

Evaluate the 'songs' you hum to yourself. 'Come on the Albs', a unique personal expression, has been ditched by the Committee For Personal Psychology. It's safe to try a new one as this weekend's match is a home one and it doesn't matter if it causes defeat.

 

[Jack Straw]

Go outside of your house to the nearest drain and throw a pound coin down it.
Get a piece of recycled blank paper about 75mm x 45mm. Write a random five-digit number on it and, the words "Win £ 1,000."
Get another piece of recycled paper at least A4 size, and make a traffic-cone type megaphone.
Give the megaphone to another member of your household and ask them to shout out the number, one less than the one you wrote down, a digit at a time.
Get more and more excited as each digit is announced.
When the last digit is read out, shout "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH F***! ONE OUT!!"
Tear your piece of paper in half and chuck it up in the air.

 

[zefarelly]

Run round the block as fast as you can (you are now at shoreham train station) call someone deaf to start debate about entry to platform, get the whole family into your own shed, add several heaters and stale beer/bad breath smells, padding wadding etc as required to ensure a very tight squeeze, shut doors whilst making beeping noises, turn on heaters. relax for 20 minutes whilst the seat build inside your jumper/coat. all pile out, up and down the garden ( narrow paths, railings if possible) and repeat.

walk fast round the block again and back to house. You are now at the Amex.

 

[dazzer6666]

I went to bookers especially to buy instant hot chocolate cups
Does this make me sad

View attachment 133146

To fully recreate the matchday experience you need to half-fill them with lukewarm water (definitely do not stir) before drinking the faintly-brown tepid liquid, finishing off of course with a mouthful of intensely-flavoured chocolate sludge that slides slowly down the inside of the cup.

 

[maffew]

Keep a close look out the window, for anyone in yellow hi viz. Traffic wardens and Faux Tour de France wannabes are perfect.

Let them know they are wankers, try and get the neighbours to join in.

Shower them with celery and bog roll

 

[Icy Gull]

I will be going into the garden and walking around for 20 mins to recreate my walk from the car to the ground. If it’s not raining hard I will get my wife to use the hose pipe. After 20 mins I will come in and take my seat in my dripping raincoat as I will be arriving only a couple of mins before kick off, so no time for a pre match pint. I will turn the heating off and open all the lounge windows and all doors, including the front one, hopefully it will be windy and cold too.

Now that is living the experience for me

 

[timbha]

Surely someone better than me (jack s?) can recreate a match day from the “war years” when something was always going to happen but only a few knew what, eg fan chaining himself to the goal, York at home (most fans knew), the butcher’s pitch invasion vs Orient, Bellotti being chased out the West Stand, “sack the board” carved on the pitch, Hereford firework, there are loads more

 

[Icy Gull]

Surely someone better than me (jack s?) can recreate a match day from the “war years” when something was always going to happen but only a few knew what, eg fan chaining himself to the goal, York at home (most fans knew), the butcher’s pitch invasion vs Orient, Bellotti being chased out the West Stand, “sack the board” carved on the pitch, Hereford firework, there are loads more

Burning burger van to enable you to chant “you don’t know what you’re doing” as people run around trying to put out the fire that’s escalating?