[Humour] Recreate the Match-day Experience Whilst Watching the Game on Telly!

[LamieRobertson]

Sit in the car after the game ...stay there for an hour (Bridge car park).. drive round the block then home

 

[Bry Nylon]

Before the game, leave your car many miles from your house and then navigate from that point to your home using public transport. Repeat the journey in reverse after the final whistle and drive back home.

 

[ManOfSussex]

Put a few layers on so you're warm/hot.
Take 1 bottle of bitter (Preferably Harvey's, but in tough times needs must so anything will do)
Put a baseball cap on and pour the bottle of bitter quickly into a plastic glass in front of a mirror.
Put the glass forward toward the mirror and say to yourself 'Anything else?'
Taking the hat back off again, look back at yourself and say 'no thanks, but you could you top that up please?'
Put the hat back on, say 'hang on' and wander off for 2 minutes for no reason before coming back and saying 'contactless?' to yourself in the mirror.

Close your eyes and you're in the West Upper.

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

On exactly 40 minutes, run to your fridge.
Stand by the fridge for 10 minutes before opening it and taking out two cans of lager.
Decant the lagers in to squashy plastic glasses and walk incredibly slowly to a shelf elsewhere in your kitchen where you can't see the telly.
Stand by the shelf and squeeze both glasses slightly causing a slight spillage on to the floor.
Shout "f****** stupid poxy glasses!"
Drink the lager as quick as possible, one after the other, whilst simultaneously apologising to imaginary people who have bumped in to you. Jolt forwards as you put you lips to the glass to enhance this part of the experience.
When you have drunk both glasses, throw them on the floor, belch loudly and run back to your seat in front of the telly saying "'scues me, 'scues me." as you squeeze past the other two people on your settee before you sit down.
The match should now be in the 47th minute.

Any others?!

Nope never felt the need to drink at halftime. I go to watch the football not pour endless shite down my throat. Sorry if this is wrong.

 

[Bry Nylon]

For those who don't have a ST but attend games 'as and when' with two young children, using the Ticket Exchange

When your kids get up and leave the room after 20 minutes to go and do something else, take £200 from your wallet and set fire to it.

 

[BN9 BHA]

My season ticket is in the WSU, my house has 3 floors.
Before the match starts - put tv in the garden.
Go up and down my stairs 10 times, not sure of the exact number of stairs to WSU but it’s a good climb.
Stay on top floor, open window and watch match on tv in the garden.

 

[Easy 10]

Have someone stand at your front door in a hi-viz as you do a 'star' in front of them while they vaguely pat you down. Walk in, and shuffle up and down your stairs for five minutes, before eventually arriving puffing in your kitchen. Pick up a lukewarm flat lager from the side that you'd poured into a wobbly plastic cup half an hour earlier, then saunter over to the window, lean on the side and peruse your phone for a bit. Clock another random lineup, heave a deep, weary sigh, drain your wobbly cup, wander into the lounge, sit in your armchair and watch us completely dominate as the opposition make off with a point or 3. Get up, go up and down the stairs again, then go out and stand on your driveway in the rain for half an hour.

Go back indoors, change out of your wet clothes, stare into the abyss and quietly begin to contemplate the point of your existence.

 

[Bodian]

On exactly 40 minutes, run to your fridge.
Stand by the fridge for 10 minutes before opening it and taking out two cans of lager.
Decant the lagers in to squashy plastic glasses and walk incredibly slowly to a shelf elsewhere in your kitchen where you can't see the telly.

Fridge?? - surely you should have taken it out of the fridge to let it get to that sort of lukewarm temperature quite some time ago? And maybe opened the can half-an-hour earlier so it was partly flat.

Or is that just at the northern grounds?

 

[dazzer6666]

When the final whistle goes and we’ve secured the three points,





......oh. Sorry.

 

[AmexRuislip]

Go and sit in car for 1 - 2 hours (the M25 experience)
Stand outside house queuing waiting to order drink and use loo.
Walk to sofa, stand up and down several times, to experience late arrivals.
Play Fat Boy Slim loud on home stereo.
Watch game, clap like a maniac.
Go and sit in car for an hour outside house (leaving Bridge St car park)
Sit in car for another 2 hours.....
Set the dvd recorder for 1 min to catch MOTD highlights.

 

[pasty]

My season ticket is in the WSU, my house has 3 floors.
Before the match starts - put tv in the garden.
Go up and down my stairs 10 times, not sure of the exact number of stairs to WSU but it’s a good climb.
Stay on top floor, open window and watch match on tv in the garden.

I think 10 times could be too many. I live in a 3 floor house too, and bottom to top is 29 stairs, and the WSU is somewhere around the 120 mark

 

[VAL1850]

Give the kids a bottle of coke each, Top off. Within two minutes they will be kicked over. Carpet will still be nice and sticky, stained ready for next match..

 

[Chicken Run]

I definitely won’t be recreating watching the match on tv at the Amex when we’re back as I’m likely to get a life ban, I broke the the remote control into a 1000 pieces launching it at the tv which missed( recreating a Brighton striker) after the third Wolves goal went in!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

 

[AmexRuislip]

Make a tasty vegetable pie in your oven, let it cool and then put it in a paper bag labelled "Steak and Ale Pie". An hour before the game take it out and reheat it in one of two ways - either using the heat of a candle or by putting it in a microwave on "full nuclear war" setting for four minutes. Consume this with one hand whilst drinking beer in a very similar way to that described above with the other.

Then give an actual steak and ale pie to a local vegan.

I cannot stop laughing

 

[Jack Straw]

Go outside your house. Get another member of your household to put an amount of fat-free Greek yoghurt in a tablespoon, and top it off with a small squirt of brown sauce. HP, Daddies - any make will do, although I find Reggae Reggae sauce the best. Your household member then needs to splatter the contents of the tablespoon all over the chair you intend to sit in to watch the match. You are then told to take your seat as kick-off is just minutes away. You shuffle quickly to your chair, only to find it smothered in "bird-poo".
"F******* seagulls!" you shout, feeling guilty whilst doing so, as they represent our Club. You then extract a crispy, gooey tissue from your trouser pocket and attempt to mop up as much of the mess as possible until said tissue has reached field capacity. Drop tissue on carpet. Sit on seat. Watch match.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

Have your family walk in front of you constantly as you try to watch the game, on the pretence that they need the toilet.

Pour a bucket of evil smelling water over your bathroom floor at least an hour before kick off to get that full urinal experience .

 

[BN9 BHA]

I think 10 times could be too many. I live in a 3 floor house too, and bottom to top is 29 stairs, and the WSU is somewhere around the 120 mark

* Off to count my stairs, back soon

 

[Jack Straw]

* Off to count my stairs, back soon

14 per floor?

 

[Pondicherry]

Get in car and drive to nearest racecourse (Plumpton in my case). Make sure your partner follows in your other car because they will need to pretend to be the bus on they way to back to your house (there is no actual Plumpton - Horsham bus). Do not talk to partner on the way back (they are the bus driver) and stand in the back if possible for added realism.
Once back at house, walk once around the house as per tradition.
Watch match.
After the game get family to stand in front of you on the stairs. Helps if one member pretend to be 106 and moves at appropriate speed.
Once down stairs, walk/run to join the back of a huge queue formed by your neighbors in front of your partners car.
Get someone to hose down the queue. Get partner/bus driver to drive car away round the corner and return several times.
Get in car/bus and return to nearest racecourse.
Drive home happy after another afternoons excellent entertainment.

 

[Invicta]

At the end of the game play GOSBTS loudly and trudge off despairingly walking about the garden slowly in the rain for 45 mins to create that P&R experience. Alternatively, play Praise you by Fatboy and remember the happy days when we won regularly.