Random Corporate b******s

[Norman Potting]

Possibly a sub category of the legendary "Bell Cheeses at Work" thread.

Recently received an email from the British Gas. Under the sign off there are the following examples of the above which I assume are meant to instill an air of confidence in the customer (or am I a client?):-

1. "Do What's Right".
2. "Love Simplicity".
3. "Be Extraordinary Together".
4. "Deliver Great Service"
5. "Transform to Grow"
6. "Engage our Stakeholders"

Of these only 4. seems to make sense in a "statement of the bleedin' obvious" sort of way. 3. is both intriguing and disturbing, when the engineer calls can I expect him to be dressed as a Napeolonic era cavalry officer or similar to demonstrate his extraordinariness?

Over to you fellow NSC'ers

 

[el punal]

Possibly a sub category of the legendary "Bell Cheeses at Work" thread.

Recently received an email from the British Gas. Under the sign off there are the following examples of the above which I assume are meant to instill an air of confidence in the customer (or am I a client?):-

1. "Do What's Right".
2. "Love Simplicity".
3. "Be Extraordinary Together".
4. "Deliver Great Service"
5. "Transform to Grow"
6. "Engage our Stakeholders"

Of these only 4. seems to make sense in a "statement of the bleedin' obvious" sort of way. 3. is both intriguing and disturbing, when the engineer calls can I expect him to be dressed as a Napeolonic era cavalry officer or similar to demonstrate his extraordinariness?

Over to you fellow NSC'ers

I'm sure those are the lyrics to Reading's unforgettable anthem "Come on the Royals" or similar turd inducing rubbish.

 

[jakarta]

We have certainly had some Extraordinary Bills from British Gas but I'm not sure I was that Engaged as a Stakeholder...

This sort of Corporate Cockwombling doesn't come cheap, I smell a Marketing Consultant.

 

[seagullsslimjim]

Well i'm currently dealing with Age UK and their laughable customer service - I guess that is why it is number 11 on their 10 reasons to use Age UK charter....

Ten reasons to choose Age UK Hearing Aids
1.PERSONAL: We will help you realise the full potential of your hearing
2.TRUST: The UK Hearing Care evidence based assessment provides a complete picture of your hearing ability.
3.FLEXIBILITY: We’ll help you where and when you want, including in the comfort of your own home.
4.HONESTY: We'll only recommend the latest technology appropriate to your needs and lifestyle.
5.CHOICE: You will be guided through your options at every stage.
6.VALUE: Free, no-obligation hearing assessment and low price guarantee* on all our products.
7.INDEPENDENCE: We are not tied to any manufacturer so we can offer you a complete unbiased choice.
8.VALUE: Free, no-obligation hearing assessment and low price guarantee on all our products.
9.INDIVIDUAL: We will tailor a hearing care pathway to your specific needs.
10.CUSTOMER CARE: We are always here to help whenever you need us.
11.SERVICE: Unbeatable customer service including free call-out warranty and service support for life.

 

[Grombleton]

I had an argument with my line manager yesterday, when he asked me a question and it didn't get the response he wanted. He claimed that he was told to "Manage the Process", which I took as BS for "Complain that things aren't done, yet to FA to actually help make that happen".

He's universally known to be a tosser though, so it's not unexpected.

 

[catfish]

Just like the removal of ticket offices at Worthing, Lancing & Shoreham railway stations will 'enhance the customer experience'.

 

[el punal]

Just like the removal of ticket offices at Worthing, Lancing & Shoreham railway stations will 'enhance the customer experience'.

I thought that only happened at Barnham.

 

[Sussex Nomad]

Just like the removal of ticket offices at Worthing, Lancing & Shoreham railway stations will 'enhance the customer experience'.

I've never been enhanced in a railway station, best start hanging out a little longer in them, never know me luck.

 

[studio150]

Just like the removal of ticket offices at Worthing, Lancing & Shoreham railway stations will 'enhance the customer experience'.

You are clearly not thinking correctly. At present if you arrive at the station and find that the ticket office is closed you are disappointed and mumble something like 'typical Southern' or if there is a long queue at the ticket office you are likewise disappointed, but now when you turn up st the station and there is no ticket office you are enhanced as you don't feel disappointed as you already knew there was no ticket office.

If however the customer service person is no where to be found on the platform that is of course a different matter.

 

[WATFORD zero]

A few years ago while working for a large high street bank, each division had to come up with a mission statement.

Ours was "We are not at home to Mr Cockup"

They never asked us again

 

[FatSuperman]

Fantastic place for us to post our respective company's corporate values, or whatever the hell they are called.

Ours are fantastic:

INSPIRATION
INNOVATION
INTEGRITY
IN TOUCH

I love it when they try and make them all start with the same letter, even though it makes no sense. We've even had all the meeting rooms renamed. So instead of room 1, we have room INSPIRATION. Brilliant.

 

[BHAFC_Pandapops]

Random Corporate Bollocks Defined:

I work in a Museum Gift Shop which has a café next to it. Occasionally companies from the area come and have meetings in said café. The shop fitters were in doing a refit one day and I was there helping the Manager oversee this. Someone from a meeting sauntered past all the busy shop fitters and loudly told us all off for being too noisy and to keep it down as our operation to keep the Museum fresh was interfering with their meeting (which by all count wasn't exactly being held in our interest).

Some people are complete bell-cheeses.

 

[Igzilla]

We had a whole BS thing last year of TRANSFORM (every letter means something which I have now expunged from my memory). Some shit about taking an idea and adding a constraint to it to make a realistic target. The soundbite was "Can...If". The downside was that the guy giving the presentation was South African, so saying "Can, If" in a South African accent just sounds like "Kenneth". We had a room named the "Can If Room", full of beanbags (I start pretend snoring whenever I go in and sit on said beanbags). Now, when anyone mentions "Can, If", I mutter, "Oooh, Matron." It's a joke that keeps on giving.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

I was asked to present a one page summary of plans for training and education in my clinical academic grouping (extended nebulous and unmanaged 'department' to you). I did it myself. Then one of the PAs to our leader emailed me to say the form had changed and would I put the info on a new form. I don't have a PA. How does that make any sense. I have a job to do . . . .

My job is teaching and research. Where I work about 70% of employees are support staff (administrators ranging from people who order equipment to librarians and vice principles of different activities). Some years ago I was asked by the PA of an administrator to go online and source something of no interest or relevance to me, but that was part of an initiative set up by the administrator. When I replied 'are you here for my benefit or am I here for yours' I was made to write a letter (it was some time ago) of apology.

I find the 'block sender' function a very gratifying button to click these days.

 

[Norman Potting]

We had a whole BS thing last year of TRANSFORM (every letter means something which I have now expunged from my memory). Some shit about taking an idea and adding a constraint to it to make a realistic target. The soundbite was "Can...If". The downside was that the guy giving the presentation was South African, so saying "Can, If" in a South African accent just sounds like "Kenneth". We had a room named the "Can If Room", full of beanbags (I start pretend snoring whenever I go in and sit on said beanbags). Now, when anyone mentions "Can, If", I mutter, "Oooh, Matron." It's a joke that keeps on giving.

That's the spirit, this sort of thing is made more tolerable if treated with the contempt it usually deserves. No longer in an office environment but it amazes me that this sort of thing seemed to infiltrate every job I did and was generally met with the same contempt by 90% of its target audience.

 

[happypig]

Following our (I say "our", I really had little to do with it) recent aquisition/merger, we've got a new set of corporate values :
Personal
Simple
Brilliant

My boss has emailed me to say he found the unveiling "very inspirational" and recommends I watch a replay. I won't.

I presume the previous values, the only one I can remember is "Trustworthy" no longer apply.

 

[GoldWithFalmer]

Deliver a superior customer service getting it right first time every time...

 

[Norman Potting]

Deliver a superior customer service getting it right first time every time...

Very '80's but b*****t will always stand the test of time!

 

[Dave the OAP]

Leveraging the continuum.


No me neither

 

[Faldo]

A few years ago while working for a large high street bank, each division had to come up with a mission statement.

Ours was "We are not at home to Mr Cockup"

They never asked us again

Similarly, I was asked to come up with a rhyme or limerick for another high street bank - it started "there once was a bank from Nantucket..."

A career in marketing seems some way off.