[Humour] Private Eye Commentatorballs

[Mr Putdown]

That was a great line, always blamed on Coleman. it was actually Ron Pickering who said it.

Pretty sure it was Coleman, it’s certainly attributed to him.

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2002/oct/06/sixnations2008.features

‘The big Cuban opened his legs and showed his class'
Said by David Coleman
When Montreal Olympics, 1976

The man who gave his name to a commentary cock-up (the Colemanball) could sometimes be so bad he was good. Like here, for instance. As Cuban Alberto Juantorena - nicknamed 'El Caballo' (the horse) for his muscular appearance and nine-foot stride - powered to 400m and 800m gold medals in Montreal, Coleman began his fine foot-in-mouth tradition with this observation.

 

[Giraffe]

The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey

 

[Is it PotG?]

"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." - Ian Wright
"They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around." - Terry Venables
"Michael Owen to Newcastle is the biggest transfer of the season so far - and it will be until there's a bigger one." - Jim White
"I can learn as much from Darius Vassell as he can from me - but he can learn more" - Andy Cole
"I'd like to have seen Tony Morley left on as a down-and-out winger." - Jimmy Armfield
"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison, but they were great years." - Martin Hodge

 

[Blackadder]

Pretty sure it was Coleman, it’s certainly attributed to him.

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2002/oct/06/sixnations2008.features

‘The big Cuban opened his legs and showed his class'
Said by David Coleman
When Montreal Olympics, 1976

The man who gave his name to a commentary cock-up (the Colemanball) could sometimes be so bad he was good. Like here, for instance. As Cuban Alberto Juantorena - nicknamed 'El Caballo' (the horse) for his muscular appearance and nine-foot stride - powered to 400m and 800m gold medals in Montreal, Coleman began his fine foot-in-mouth tradition with this observation.

Interestingly the Telegraph disagrees with the Guaradian (Just for a change). Also it looks like Coleman hated Colemanballs (if true).

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/bbc/10824892/David-Coleman-hated-being-lampooned-for-Colemanballs.html

 

[Iovan The Sweeper]

All of these have been bellowed out by Jamie Redknapp whilst commentating. Literally:


“He literally chopped him in half in that challenge”

“The ball literally gave him a haircut”

“He’s literally just eaten the fourth official”

"He’s literally turned him inside out"

“Michael Owen literally turns into a greyhound”

“Scholes has such a great footballing brain. He’ll see a picture in his head and literally paint it in front of you”

“Centre forwards have the ability to make time stand still. And when Chopra got the ball, it literally did just that”

“Gareth Bale’s literally got three lungs"

“He had to cut back inside onto his left, because he literally hasn’t got a right foot”

"These balls now - they literally explode off your feet"

“The crowd behind the goal are literally going insane”

 

[Nathan]

All of these have been bellowed out by Jamie Redknapp whilst commentating. Literally:



“The crowd behind the goal are literally going insane”

He has been to the Amex then.

 

[AmexRuislip]

I quote the great Bobby Robson:

Jermaine Jenas is a fit lad. He gets from box to box in all of 90 minutes.”

When Gazza was dribbling he used to go through a minefield with his arm, a bit like you go through a supermarket."

 

[FamilyGuy]

Said by a now-forgotten commentator at 3:25 on a Saturday: "Rooney regularly scores goals like that"

(So I watched again the same time the following week and Rooney didn't score - what's going on?)

 

[vegster]

Used to get Colemanballs book every Christmas. One of my favourites was "Derby County are on the peak of a trough".

Another classic referred to a team being " On the crest of a Slump " !

 

[Normal Rob]

Father time's got him licked, his legs are spread.

 

[Gary Leeds]

That was a great line, always blamed on Coleman. it was actually Ron Pickering who said it.

Na, Ron Pickering said "do you know who I am?"

 

[catfish]

A Harry Carpenter classic: 'Isn't that nice - the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew'.

 

[Questions]

“Don’t tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let’s just have another look at Italy’s winning goal.

 

[Lever]

"I never make predictions and I never will.”
Paul Gascoigne, making a prediction!

 

[WATFORD zero]

I know it's not strictly in line with the OP but I wonder if someone should have published a Strachanballs column

32. On losing: "I tried to get the disappointment out of my system by going for a walk. I ended up 17 miles from home and I had to phone my wife Lesley to come and pick me up."

31. Reporter: "Gordon, do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?"
Strachan: "I don't care, I'm Scottish."

30. On Wayne Rooney: "It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

29. Reporter: "Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?"
Strachan: "No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah."

28. On illness: "Pahars has also caught every virus going except a computer virus and he is probably working on that even now."

27. Reporter: "There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?"

Strachan: "Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick. Down negative man, down!"

26. On Agustin Delgado: "I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado."

25. Reporter: "Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?"

Strachan: "You're spot on. You can read me like a book!"

24. On being attacked by a Celtic fan while an Aberdeen player: "It's always great fun getting attacked. One of the highlights of my career. The fella who beat me up got fined £100 for that but they had a whip-round in the pub and he got £200!"

23. On Sir Alex Ferguson: "He used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too, and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted."

22. Reporter: "Is that your best start to a season?"
Strachan: "Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure."

21. On the Pope: "He’s not a bad lad, to be fair. If it was ‘God bless Myra Hindley’, I might have a problem."

20. On the press: "People think I've got a problem with the press. Actually I have no problem with the press, but just like in football there are a handful who cause problems because they're disrespectful, they're lazy, and above all - and this is what really gets to me - they haven't worked hard to get there."

19. Reporter: "Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?"
Strachan: "No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said: 'No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.’"

18. On Alex McLeish: "We even competed for the acne cream when we were younger. Obviously, I won that one."

17. On society: "I’m afraid that this is me getting on my high horse now but we have yob television, yob newspapers, and funny enough whereas it was my mum and dad, school, police, church who used to set the standards, now it's tabloids and yob television who set the standards by which people live."

16. Reporter: "This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?"
Strachan: "You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there."

15. On how to deal with pressure: "I have discovered that when you go to Anfield or Old Trafford, it pays not to wear a coloured shirt because everyone can see the stains as the pressure mounts. I always wear a white shirt so nobody sees you sweat."

14. On being top of the table: "I'm going home now to get myself a Coca-Cola and a packet of crisps and I'll sit in front of the television and look at the table on Teletext all night."

13. Reporter: "So, Gordon, any plans for Europe this year?"
Strachan: "Aye, me and the wife quite fancy Spain in August."

12. On Claus Lundekvam: "When he was carried off at Leicester someone asked me if he was unconscious, but I didn't have a clue. He's always like that."

11. Reporter: "You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?" 
Strachan: "I don't take stupid comments lightly either."

10. On politics: "I get the feeling a lot of politicians are there to help themselves financially, first and foremost."

9. Gary Lineker: "So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?"
Strachan: "If I was English I'd top myself."

8. On his powers of recovery: "Sometimes to go forward you've got to go to the depths of your own personal despair and claw yourself back. From that point, no matter what happens, you know you can do it."

7. Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions”

6. On his managerial record: "I think what I've actually achieved as a manager does sometimes get a bit overlooked, because all people think about is the media side of things. They tend to forget I've not done so bad."

5. Reporter: "So Gordon, any changes then?"
Strachan: "Naw, still 5ft 6", ginger and a big nose."

4. On Eric Cantona: "If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he’s called a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap."

3. Reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?"
Strachan: "What areas? Mainly that big green one out there…"

2. On cooking: "It's embarrassing, I'm not proud of it. I can't even make myself anything to eat. I had to phone her and she said, 'I've left something to put in the microwave'. An hour later and I'm asking, "Where's the microwave?"

1. Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity."

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

Racist Ron Atkinson.
I never comment on a referees performance and I'm not going to change a habit of a lifetime for that prat.

 

[Lincolnshire Seagull]

I know it's not strictly in line with the OP but I wonder if someone should have published a Strachanballs column

32. On losing: "I tried to get the disappointment out of my system by going for a walk. I ended up 17 miles from home and I had to phone my wife Lesley to come and pick me up."

31. Reporter: "Gordon, do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?"
Strachan: "I don't care, I'm Scottish."

30. On Wayne Rooney: "It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

29. Reporter: "Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?"
Strachan: "No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah."

28. On illness: "Pahars has also caught every virus going except a computer virus and he is probably working on that even now."

27. Reporter: "There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?"

Strachan: "Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick. Down negative man, down!"

26. On Agustin Delgado: "I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado."

25. Reporter: "Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?"

Strachan: "You're spot on. You can read me like a book!"

24. On being attacked by a Celtic fan while an Aberdeen player: "It's always great fun getting attacked. One of the highlights of my career. The fella who beat me up got fined £100 for that but they had a whip-round in the pub and he got £200!"

23. On Sir Alex Ferguson: "He used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too, and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted."

22. Reporter: "Is that your best start to a season?"
Strachan: "Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure."

21. On the Pope: "He’s not a bad lad, to be fair. If it was ‘God bless Myra Hindley’, I might have a problem."

20. On the press: "People think I've got a problem with the press. Actually I have no problem with the press, but just like in football there are a handful who cause problems because they're disrespectful, they're lazy, and above all - and this is what really gets to me - they haven't worked hard to get there."

19. Reporter: "Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?"
Strachan: "No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said: 'No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.’"

18. On Alex McLeish: "We even competed for the acne cream when we were younger. Obviously, I won that one."

17. On society: "I’m afraid that this is me getting on my high horse now but we have yob television, yob newspapers, and funny enough whereas it was my mum and dad, school, police, church who used to set the standards, now it's tabloids and yob television who set the standards by which people live."

16. Reporter: "This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?"
Strachan: "You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there."

15. On how to deal with pressure: "I have discovered that when you go to Anfield or Old Trafford, it pays not to wear a coloured shirt because everyone can see the stains as the pressure mounts. I always wear a white shirt so nobody sees you sweat."

14. On being top of the table: "I'm going home now to get myself a Coca-Cola and a packet of crisps and I'll sit in front of the television and look at the table on Teletext all night."

13. Reporter: "So, Gordon, any plans for Europe this year?"
Strachan: "Aye, me and the wife quite fancy Spain in August."

12. On Claus Lundekvam: "When he was carried off at Leicester someone asked me if he was unconscious, but I didn't have a clue. He's always like that."

11. Reporter: "You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?" 
Strachan: "I don't take stupid comments lightly either."

10. On politics: "I get the feeling a lot of politicians are there to help themselves financially, first and foremost."

9. Gary Lineker: "So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?"
Strachan: "If I was English I'd top myself."

8. On his powers of recovery: "Sometimes to go forward you've got to go to the depths of your own personal despair and claw yourself back. From that point, no matter what happens, you know you can do it."

7. Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions”

6. On his managerial record: "I think what I've actually achieved as a manager does sometimes get a bit overlooked, because all people think about is the media side of things. They tend to forget I've not done so bad."

5. Reporter: "So Gordon, any changes then?"
Strachan: "Naw, still 5ft 6", ginger and a big nose."

4. On Eric Cantona: "If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he’s called a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap."

3. Reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?"
Strachan: "What areas? Mainly that big green one out there…"

2. On cooking: "It's embarrassing, I'm not proud of it. I can't even make myself anything to eat. I had to phone her and she said, 'I've left something to put in the microwave'. An hour later and I'm asking, "Where's the microwave?"

1. Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity."

These are not Strachanballs. They are pretty spot-on comments. I like him.