[Humour] Phrases you never thought you would use

[Dick Swiveller]

I was rudely awoken this morning to be told that a cat posted as missing on Facebook is on our shed. Of course I have to do the Facebook stuff so I found the post and send them a message. Didn't twig until I had sent it. My message said

I think Elvis is currently on our shed

Status - currently awaiting the men in white coats

 

[Stat Brother]

Any sentences or phrases involving the words furlough, furloughed and furloughing.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

'Two courgettes please'

That'll teach me to go shopping for my 75 year old neighbour at the Open Market. Still, taking the positives, I now know what a courgette looks like

 

[Mellotron]

“Are you around for a online quiz tonight?”

“Sorry, already booked in for another one.”

My quiz life has never been so bustling. Imagine taking most snapshots of life now out of context, and playing them to yourself from 6 months ago. You’d be SO confused.

 

[Dick Swiveller]

Any sentences or phrases involving the words furlough, furloughed and furloughing.

My girlfriend is adamant she has been furlonged.

 

[hart's shirt]

I think Elvis is currently on our shed

Status - currently awaiting the men in white coats

You do sound all shook up.

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

'Two courgettes please'

That'll teach me to go shopping for my 75 year old neighbour at the Open Market. Still, taking the positives, I now know what a courgette looks like

Had the same, our elderly neighbour wanted fine green beans, no substitutes, fine green beans! Oh, and Shiraz, don't for get the Shiraz!

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

My girlfriend is adamant she has been furlonged.

There's is a "length" joke here but I don't know you well enough

 

[Dick Swiveller]

There's is a "length" joke here but I don't know you well enough

At least you didn't go with Short Head.

 

[hart's shirt]

My girlfriend is adamant

Does she Stand and Deliver?

 

[Pogue Mahone]

'Two courgettes please'

That'll teach me to go shopping for my 75 year old neighbour at the Open Market. Still, taking the positives, I now know what a courgette looks like

That's the most Scottish thing I 've ever seen you write.

 

[Dick Swiveller]

'Two courgettes please'

That'll teach me to go shopping for my 75 year old neighbour at the Open Market. Still, taking the positives, I now know what a courgette looks like

Gem lettuce and cherry tomatoes for MIL. Never knew she was that picky.

 

[madinthehead]

Does she Stand and Deliver?

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of..

 

[Dick Swiveller]

Does she Stand and Deliver?

Only for Prince Charming.

 

[Is it PotG?]

I was rudely awoken this morning to be told that a cat posted as missing on Facebook is on our shed. Of course I have to do the Facebook stuff so I found the post and send them a message. Didn't twig until I had sent it. My message said

I think Elvis is currently on our shed

Status - currently awaiting the men in white coats

Please be careful, I don't know if this is a scam or not, but I just had a phone call with a (clearly) recorded voice saying I've won a competition and could choose either £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute show, after a short pause it then said press one for the money or two for the show.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

I was rudely awoken this morning to be told that a cat posted as missing on Facebook is on our shed. Of course I have to do the Facebook stuff so I found the post and send them a message. Didn't twig until I had sent it. My message said

I think Elvis is currently on our shed

Status - currently awaiting the men in white coats

I think you'll find that by now, Elvis has left the building.

 

[Dick Swiveller]

Please be careful, I don't know if this is a scam or not, but I just had a phone call with a (clearly) recorded voice saying I've won a competition and could choose either £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute show, after a short pause it then said press one for the money or two for the show.

Don't worry. I have told the cat not to crap on my blue suede shoes. You can do anything, I told it. But keep your backside off of my blue suede shoes. I think it might have gone next door now so it is In The Ghetto. (Meow)

 

[Dick Swiveller]

Anyone have a contact for the Sunday Sport? Status is now upgraded to

Elvis is currently licking his balls on my shed

 

[Dick Swiveller]

I think you'll find that by now, Elvis has left the building.

Sadly, you are right. Elvis has left the shed.

 

[hans kraay fan club]

My girlfriend is adamant she has been furlonged.

Nobody likes a BRAGGART, Dick.