I think the whole point about trump cards is they have to be dealt, not bought!You’re right. We’ve got more chance of signing Donald Trump as a replacement for Ben White.
However, in a parallel universe where good things happen to good people, it would happen like this.
Messi would be obsessed with the ultimate challenge. Could he pick any EPL side and lead them to win the league? We’d be the prime candidate for this because we create so many opportunities and defend very well, our Xg would turn from -20 to +20, that would put us up there with Man City. Funding this would be tricky, our global merch sales would go off the chart as Messi navigated us to our first Premier League title, he would need a big cut of the that pie in addition to the White money split over two seasons (£25m per annum) and a generous portion of shares in the club.
This is an improbable dream though, I’m off to buy my new Trump card and see if he’s available in the hope that he solves our distribution and ball carrying needs from defence to attack next season with top level pace to make those last ditch tackles.
Sometimes a big splash with no return might be justified - for instance, Giroud for a £10M signing on fee, two years on £50K a week so as not to break our pay structure (equal to £5M over the two years) and a £10M Golden Handshake (Total £25M) could have been a good deal, even though there'd be no sell on value - but not at Messi levels of, frankly, obscenity.