Made me chuckle

[Uncle C]

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry
about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it
eventually '

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

Chortle.

 

[Uncle C]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will
power.'

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

If it's jokes you be after, they don't come much better than this.

 

[Biscuit]

I went to McDonalds today.
The girl behind the counter said, "Can I take your order?"
I said, "No you f***ing can't .. get your own"

 

[Hove Seagull]

If it's jokes you be after, they don't come much better than this.

That is hilarious!!!!!

 

[8ace]

A guy signs to his deaf girlfriend, "when I'm feeling horny, I'll stroke your left breast. You pull my willy once for 'yes' & 150 times for 'no'"

 

[ees complicated no?]

There were three guys hunting in the forest.
They were then attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your ass without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his ass and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your ass without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"

 

[grawhite]

Frenchman who won the euromillions last night is said to be looking for new pond, but most amazing part is the person doing the decoration, Walter lily

 

[Garage_Doors]

Irishman who won the euromillions and went to the presentation to get his money and they hand him a cheque for 16 million.
WTF he says, i won ten time this ! yes we know paddy, we give you 16 million every year for 10 years.
Paddy says, if you going to f*** me about i 'll have my 2 quid back !

 

[The_Real_SussexSeagull123]

lol

 

[darters74]

That is hilarious!!!!!

What's the punchline? I can't understand what he's saying.............

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

What's the punchline? I can't understand what he's saying.............

"The other one is from the man that shat in my pants"

 

[darters74]

Excellent...................cheers.

 

[seagullmouse]

If it's jokes you be after, they don't come much better than this.

That is soooooo funny, still laughing a minute or two later

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

It's the one joke I have stored to memory and I can honestly say it's never failed to get a laugh. This bloke's delivery is sheer brilliance though.

 

[seagullmouse]

It's the one joke I have stored to memory and I can honestly say it's never failed to get a laugh. This bloke's delivery is sheer brilliance though.

I'm adding it to the joke vault, not many get in there but this is as good as it gets, agree delivery is superb!

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

I'm adding it to the joke vault, not many get in there but this is as good as it gets, agree delivery is superb!

Oh and I do have a more kiddie friendly one to memory:

What's E.T short for?

He's got no legs!

Gets them everytime.

 

[seagullmouse]

Oh and I do have a more kiddie friendly one to memory:

What's E.T short for?

He's got no legs!

Gets them everytime.

That is actually already in the vault, There are only a couple more,

- one from my youth (first told this 21 years ago)
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?
Because he was outstanding in his field

- and one I made up the other day
Why did the man want just steak on his pizza?
Because he wanted 'cows-only' (do you get it - calzone) well done me

- then the standard cheese jokes about bears/mirrors/small horses etc

I have now added this Freud joke to the vault!

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

Laugh out loud at the scarecrow one. The cheesiest ones always make me laugh the most.