The Timekeeper
FAT BOY 'NOT' SLIM
With all the doom and gloom at the moment, I have found these letters sent to Viz Magazine from members of the public, they made me chuckle, so I hope you enjoy them too......
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees.
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd
make their minds up.
John
'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7..30.
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around
a 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would
trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She
was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live inTaiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but
the poor sod's face told a different story.
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off
buying the product.
'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the
Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see
that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her
you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like
they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in
the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's
not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison
population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the
world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
that kind of 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens
can only dream of.
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky
TV in my local.
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?
In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name
of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
show a little more imagination in this century.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always
be with us.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people
who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards
telling us motorists where the road leads to.
I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Strachan receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees.
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd
make their minds up.
John
'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7..30.
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around
a 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would
trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She
was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live inTaiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but
the poor sod's face told a different story.
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off
buying the product.
'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the
Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see
that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her
you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like
they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in
the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's
not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison
population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the
world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
that kind of 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens
can only dream of.
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky
TV in my local.
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?
In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name
of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
show a little more imagination in this century.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always
be with us.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people
who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards
telling us motorists where the road leads to.
I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Strachan receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
